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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave my elderly mother without food shopping.

135 replies

TheoriginalLEM · 08/12/2019 10:36

There is back story but it's long.

So my mother is pretty much house bound. She has carers 3 times a day. (Again, issues here). We do her shopping, i keep her bank card for this reason.

She got into a strop over something and demanded her card back at the beginning of the week. After a difficult week i persuaded her to give me the card on Friday so dp could fetch the shop on Saturday. She called DP on Saturday morning just as he was going ibto the shop telling him to bring the card back, she doesn't want/Will do her own/will find someone else to do it. So DP returned the card before doing the shopping.

I had s call from the care agency yesterday telling me she has no food and can i "rectify the situation"

Firstly, she does have food but not really sufficient/appropriate.

Secondly, i now don't have her card and I cannot afford to do her weekly shop.

Aibu for simply not doing it I should I just shop from my own (tight) budget?

OP posts:
Gamble66 · 08/12/2019 10:41

No if she has agency enough to control her own finances then the care company need to discuss it with her - if you suspect she is getting beyond handling her own finances then she needs a SS assesment asap

Floralnomad · 08/12/2019 10:42

Poor you , I’m sorry to hear you are still having problems with your mother and her care . All you can do is go round and collect the card and then go to the shops , if she won’t let you have it you take it then ring the agency back and tell them that you cannot get her shopping personally I’d just drop off a loaf , eggs and a couple of ready meals if your budget allows . Are you prepared to tell the agency / social services that you will no longer have any responsibility for shopping etc and then they can sort something out for her .

FairyBatman · 08/12/2019 10:44

If she is with it enough to make the decision that she doesn’t want you to do it then you can’t force her.

I would be really clear with the care company that she is refusing to let you shop for her so that she can’t play you and the carers off against each other.

FoamingAtTheUterus · 08/12/2019 10:44

Aww, it must be hard for your mum as well. I'd hate someone else doing my food shop. She sounds frustrated at the situation and getting older in general .........could someone sit with her with a laptop and do it online ??

JacobReesClunge · 08/12/2019 10:45

For the future, if you would prefer to continue shopping for her, why doesn't she keep the card and you have her online banking details? That way if you go and spend £30 on her or whatever, you can log on and transfer it once it's done. Or before if you're really stretched. I know you're not really supposed to have someone else's online banking details but you're also not supposed to have the card so not sure this would be any worse really.

Sparklybaublefest · 08/12/2019 10:45

is it too late to sign any sort of forms that you are in control of her finances?

BenevolentEzza · 08/12/2019 10:45

Tricky one.

I'd be inclined to call the care agency to enquire about extending her services to include a food shopping and preparation visit.

Get the info about how much extra visits will cost then go to your mother to present this option.

For the time being though, is there any way you can manage to get some basic shopping for her without putting yourself at a disadvantage? Would she accept meals cooked by you, if you were able to cook an extra portion of whatever you cook at home?

viccat · 08/12/2019 10:46

I think it matters hugely whether she is "just" being difficult or if she for example suffers from dementia and her behavior is difficult for that reason.

What happens if you call her and tell her "we had made arrangements to help yesterday but as you insisted on the card being returned, I now can't afford to do your weekly shop out of my own money. If you need our help, we need to find a way to make this work for all of us."?

NoSquirrels · 08/12/2019 10:46

Tell the care agency she’s refusing to let you shop for her as you cannot access her funds.

Can you set up an online shop using her card whilst the carers are there?

Apolloanddaphne · 08/12/2019 10:47

You have to be very clear with the care agency that she no longer wants you to do her shopping and has removed from you any means of paying for it therefore you cannot do her shopping. If they believe she has no food and cannot get it herself then they need to report to social services so they can re assess her care package.

Akire · 08/12/2019 10:48

All you can do is offer to take her card and get cash out so her carers can go shopping. My agency can use cash but not cards. It’s that or you get or she starves. If she is still refusing to do anything about it then as above poster said she needs an assessment about her ability to look after herself.

Sparklybaublefest · 08/12/2019 10:49

Otherwise, the care company should be able to do her food shopping

Hellbentwellwent · 08/12/2019 10:49

I was just going to suggest setting up online shopping for her. Does she have internet access, is she computer literate?

NoSquirrels · 08/12/2019 10:49

You shouldn’t be keeping her bank card, really - so you all need to find a different way to manage it.

A set amount transferred weekly via standing order. You provide receipts.

A joint bank account for shopping purposes, funded by standing order.

Online shopping using her card.

Blackbear19 · 08/12/2019 10:49

Get her do shop online with Tesco.
Or get a joint bank account so her shopping money is transferred into it by standing order, you have one card she has the other.

Shops are entitled to refuse to deal with you if you have a card which isn't yours.

SquareAsABlock · 08/12/2019 10:50

Hi @TheoriginalLEM, sorry to hear things are still difficult. It great to hear that your mum actually has carers now though - has she actually been given a diagnosis? If shes unable to get her own food, how about setting up an online shop to be delivered when you or her carers are in to help out it away?

snowybaubles · 08/12/2019 10:51

He was at the shop though. He could have just done the shopping and taken it, even if that was the last time. If you don't want to continue helping her I think it's vital that you do so until something else is out in place for her. She is vulnerable.

I know you probably want people to tell you that you are right here but there is a possibility that she is in the early stages of dementia, this kind of behaviour is commonly seen.

notnowmaybelater · 08/12/2019 10:51

It depends whether she's cognitively impaired for whatever reason I think.

If she has full cognitive abilities and capacity then yanbu to comply with her wishes and not do her food shopping.

If she isn't really capable of understanding the consequences of her decision any more due to dementia or another condition it's a rather different situation, and she can still make decisions of course but can't be allowed to decide to have no access to food.

Original poster
TheoriginalLEM · 08/12/2019 10:53

Viccat - there are MH issues but not dementia.

She is a queen manipulator and wants everyone dancing to her tune. You are right though I will drop In bread and milk and leave her to it.

She is verbally abusive to myself and the carers. I had reason to call OOH ss earlier in the week who refused to help. Said they would send someone round on Friday and it didn't happen.

The care agency manager is a bit of a rotweiller so I'm waiting to talk to her on Monday as on the occasion that she's stepped in before she seems to have more clout than me.

I am at breaking point.

OP posts:
wonkylegs · 08/12/2019 10:54

Perhaps go and visit your mum and say that she needs to either give you cash or the card and then you will go shopping, if this doesn't work then be clear with the carers.
Does she have a social worker? If so it may be worth having a chat with them so they can add food shopping to the care plan so that the carers can sort it out.

We online shop for my mum & my brothers prepare her meals and freeze them so carers just heat them up, carers then do top up shops for milk, bread etc but take mum with her card. I have power of attorney over her finances as she has dementia so I can pay directly from her account but she still has her own card. It's the easiest way as I live 300miles away so can still do the majority of her finances but she still has access when she needs it.

Akire · 08/12/2019 10:54

Most care agencies will not let staff use cards so her holding the card will not make any difference. When I’ve been housebound I’ve had the same problem.

BillHadersNewWife · 08/12/2019 10:54

It sounds like the onset of demntia OP. Seen it in my own Mother. She hated my sister having her card because it reminded her she wasn't free any longer.

Try to do her shopping online? Keep the details at home so you can use her card to pay for it....arrange delivery for when there's a carer present.

YABU not to do it at all though...unless the care agency will?

Poissonpoison · 08/12/2019 10:55

What about Wiltshire foods or similar? She could phone her order.

JacobReesClunge · 08/12/2019 10:56

He was at the shop though. He could have just done the shopping and taken it, even if that was the last time.

The OP was saying it would be a financial problem for them to do the shop for her from their own funds, so he may not have had enough money himself at that point for that to be an option.

churchandstate · 08/12/2019 10:58

What was her “strop” about?