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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave my elderly mother without food shopping.

135 replies

TheoriginalLEM · 08/12/2019 10:36

There is back story but it's long.

So my mother is pretty much house bound. She has carers 3 times a day. (Again, issues here). We do her shopping, i keep her bank card for this reason.

She got into a strop over something and demanded her card back at the beginning of the week. After a difficult week i persuaded her to give me the card on Friday so dp could fetch the shop on Saturday. She called DP on Saturday morning just as he was going ibto the shop telling him to bring the card back, she doesn't want/Will do her own/will find someone else to do it. So DP returned the card before doing the shopping.

I had s call from the care agency yesterday telling me she has no food and can i "rectify the situation"

Firstly, she does have food but not really sufficient/appropriate.

Secondly, i now don't have her card and I cannot afford to do her weekly shop.

Aibu for simply not doing it I should I just shop from my own (tight) budget?

OP posts:
Redact · 08/12/2019 10:58

Have been there too, it's difficult. There was always arguments around this and money. I do all her shopping and banking and her current account is far healthier now so goodness only knows what she was doing with her money/card. This period of control and money obsession lasted for what felt like an eternity and I just had to roll with it. My DM was eventually diagnosed with dementia. We did have POA in place well before this, which was a blessing. Now she doesn't even remember about money or bank cards. She does sometimes ask where her purse is now but only very rarely. We're still managing to keep her in her own home, she has carers 4x day and someone who pops in mid morning to tidy up, clean and get her a cup of tea. The bulk still falls to me and I'm out and in all the time. It's not easy and unfortunately not sustainable, inevitably she will end up in a nursing home.

flouncyfanny · 08/12/2019 10:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AutumnRose1 · 08/12/2019 11:00

Hi LEM
given the backstory, you know this is just an attempt to manipulate you?

Could you go, take the card, get enough shopping to cover a couple of weeks and then that’s one thing off the list?

cptartapp · 08/12/2019 11:00

Tell them you are unable to do her shopping. She has made a choice and now must live with the consequences. If you lived 100 miles away what would they do? She may well have dementia so this will only get worse. She needs more help and ss will not act if you're filling the gaps. You're at breaking point so get the wheels moving by stepping back, sometimes it takes a crisis.

Babymamamama · 08/12/2019 11:01

I don't think you can keep her bank card against her wishes and get her shopping against her will unless she doesn't have mental capacity. I would ask for a social care capacity assessment. Also do you have power of attorney?

Original poster
TheoriginalLEM · 08/12/2019 11:01

@snowybaubles I know!!! I was not best pleased with him however he was tight for time as needed to pick DD up and made a bad call but he said that it's her card and she specifically told him she doesn't want him to shop for her.

She used to have us running to the shop every single day (We both work long hours) and we'd have to collect her card each time, draw money out or buy from our own money and she would pay us back. She would always give us way more than the shopping had cost. I asked to have the card to make things easier but also to stop that.

I cannot cope with being spoken to like shit on her shoe.

OP posts:
Honeybee85 · 08/12/2019 11:03

Op, poor you.
She’s using the agency to guilt trip you.

Just explain to them what happened.
Your mother is an adult, she’s responsable for her own life and has refused your help. You don’t owe her anything.

PostNotInHaste · 08/12/2019 11:06

I’ve seen the backstory and you are saying you are at breaking point. I’ll say to you what my GP said to me, you need to stand back now for the sake of your health.

Send an email to SS saying you have been contacted by care agency and explain the situation. Say that you are unclear as to whether she has mental capacity currently and that obviously if she doesn’t this is a safeguarding issue. Add that you are now no longer able to be involved in her care as you are heading for Carer Breakdown .

Send the same to the Care Agency and stand back. You’ll think you can’t do that but actually you can. Put it all in writing. If your Mother wants your involvement when you feel more recovered then she will have to stop being so manipulative.

MillicentMartha · 08/12/2019 11:06

I used to do an online shop for my mum, using her card details. Once you’ve got past this issue, perhaps you could try this?

She lived 50 miles away so I couldn’t just pop around. She’d give me a list over the phone, and I’d run through her ‘favourites’ for her. Would your mum allow you to do that? She’d still have her card, you’d only need it once to store the details on the shopping app. She might feel she was more in control. And it’s quicker than doing the shop for her.

She’d have to put the stuff away herself. My mum had dementia, and we’d find cans in the freezer and frozen products in the fridge so had to stop doing this eventually.

Elodie2019 · 08/12/2019 11:07

I had s call from the care agency yesterday telling me she has no food and can i "rectify the situation"

Speak to the care agency and tell them that she is refusing to give you her bank card, has told you that she doesn't want you doing her shopping and that you need them to talk to her in order to 'rectify' the situation.
Tell them that you are ready and waiting to go shopping for her but cannot do so as you don't have the money unless she gives you her card.
Do you think she's told the care workers half a story? That you won't go shopping for her anymore?

rhubarbcrumbles · 08/12/2019 11:07

That's really tough LEM, don't feel bad about it - if you can't do the shopping then you can't, it's not as if you haven't tried.

Thingsdogetbetter · 08/12/2019 11:08

Get card one more time. Take the details and set up online shopping for her. Her name, address and card details, your email. You don't enter the card number each time, just the security code on the back. Then when she has nothing in, you shop online and arrange a delivery when a carer will be in. If your mum objects to this you new to back off and contact AND chase SS.

You know she's manipulative, and sometimes the only way is to get manipulative right back!!

The agency cannot force you to shop and pay for her, they are just trying to pass the buck. If they have concerns THEY should be contacting SS, but I presume they are worried if they do they'll lose money if SS say the care isn't enough anymore.

Nearlyalmost50 · 08/12/2019 11:09

The care agency won't know the arrangement has changed. Call them and tell them your mum has her own card and she doesn't want to give it to you. If guilt gets the better of you, have a small online shop delivered or just leave her. Ask the care agency for a SS reassessment (as SS cannot leave her to neglect herself).

I think Farm Foods or online is best, discuss with the care agency boss, I would spend as little time engaged with your mum as possible, she is impossible and you are driving yourself into stress anxiety and depression over her which is not worth it.

snowybaubles · 08/12/2019 11:11

@JacobReesClunge

The OP was saying it would be a financial problem for them to do the shop for her from their own funds, so he may not have had enough money himself at that point for that to be an option.

He had the mother's card.

Emeraldshamrock · 08/12/2019 11:11

When she settles down can you arrange to have 2 cards, can the bank duplicate it.
Set up a tesco online account for her shopping, you wont need the card weekly.
They deliver and unpack for the elderly.
I know it is frustrating my own DM is getting on and throws a angry annoying attitude sometimes.
She is probably giving out to the carers about you. Flowers good luck

Nearlyalmost50 · 08/12/2019 11:11

PostNotInHaste I agree with your approach, otherwise you are making yourself ill for the sake of your mum who won't care/be appreciative or in any way be better off. You cannot be responsible for your mum's care if she won't let you anyway.

AutumnRose1 · 08/12/2019 11:11

LEM, I would also write to social services, carers, GP, with a copy of the same letter saying about how she turned up at your work last week.

Say also that you are no longer a point of contact for her. I know that won’t stop her turning up though.

Is there any possibility she could be sectioned? Based on your back story I just wondered.

Thehop · 08/12/2019 11:12

She’s bloody horrible to you.

Tell the agency she’s refused to let you do her shopping.

snowybaubles · 08/12/2019 11:12

@TheoriginalLEM

I'm after reading your further posts, I do understand more about why and how it's happened.

AutumnRose1 · 08/12/2019 11:12

Re copies of cards, I have a copy for mum, but she had to sign for it and I doubt LEM mum will agree.

Emeraldshamrock · 08/12/2019 11:13

He had the mother's card
She asked him to return the card before the shop.

ChristmasCroissant · 08/12/2019 11:13

It does sound like it's time to take a step back for your own health, OP.

Drama llamas are often more reasonable for a third party so I'd hand this over to the Care Agency - if they ring you again, push it back to your mother/the agency.

Wiltshire Farm Foods (or similar) might be a good option here, as your mother could order it herself even if she's not on the internet. You could ask them to send her a brochure and then leave it up to your mother to sort out.

But do push back on any calls you get - 'she's asked me not to get involved so you'll have to speak to her about it' - and try not to get drawn into any drama (easier said than done, I know).

salsmum · 08/12/2019 11:14

Can do set up mobile banking on her phone? She could set up a regular transfer of money into your account for food shopping that was she will feel like she still has control and you can then help her but make it clear if she falls back on the regular payment you will not be able to support her with shopping. I'm a Carer for my Dd and in the community and sometimes when a disabled person acts this way it's because they have lost so much with their disability that they try and 'micro manage' other things. Being bed bound gives you lots of time to think and turn things over in your head and resentment can easily build up... small comfort I know but usually it's the person they feel closest to that suffers the most. Thanks

snowybaubles · 08/12/2019 11:15

She asked him to return the card before the shop.

Yes I know. My point was he could have just done it on that occasion since he was at the shop. Anyway, I get it now. End of tether.

Original poster
TheoriginalLEM · 08/12/2019 11:15

@postnotinhaste that is good advice. I told SS I was heading for carer breakdown on Thursday but i couldn't get past "customer service" operator. They said they would send someone to assess on Friday but nobody went.

Gp has reffered for emergency psychiatric assessment but says that they are likely to pass the buck back to physical health.

Ironically the physical health is improving.

The strop was about her medication and us tweaking her prescriptions so her (multiple) medication inly needs to be ordered once a month.

I get it - she's losing control but i cannot do this anymore. She speaks to me like she hates me. I'm on medication for anxiety and im struggling

OP posts:
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