To leave my elderly mother without food shopping.

[TheoriginalLEM]

There is back story but it's long.

So my mother is pretty much house bound. She has carers 3 times a day. (Again, issues here). We do her shopping, i keep her bank card for this reason.

She got into a strop over something and demanded her card back at the beginning of the week. After a difficult week i persuaded her to give me the card on Friday so dp could fetch the shop on Saturday. She called DP on Saturday morning just as he was going ibto the shop telling him to bring the card back, she doesn't want/Will do her own/will find someone else to do it. So DP returned the card before doing the shopping.

I had s call from the care agency yesterday telling me she has no food and can i "rectify the situation"

Firstly, she does have food but not really sufficient/appropriate.

Secondly, i now don't have her card and I cannot afford to do her weekly shop.

Aibu for simply not doing it I should I just shop from my own (tight) budget?

from x date, unplug the phone (or whatever), ignore emails/ communication. if you need thats the time to "disappear" from SS etc. That will also put the rocket up their backsides to show you absolutley mean it when you have relinquished ALL RESPONSIBILITY to your mum.

or do you want to lead this life forever more. you`re worth more than that. put your big girl pants on.x

please do not back down as you have done. thats what the ss/ mum expect. why do they need to sort it out properly.....when you`ll come back ?

what sort of sad little existence are you living?? its your time, your life. your mother will never change. as a stranger youd walk away. there is no legal obligation for you to be her carer (which you are). some people just cant be helped and there comes a point where you you need to tell all the agencies enough is enough. you need to call them and TELL in a firm assertive voice, you relinquish all care (shopping everything). then disappear from all communication . then all of a sudden things will happen Ill bet! things will be put in place, your mumll realise youre not there. so shell HAVE to accept help . no one died of being dirty. she`ll be fed and watered so to speak.....

but you have to stop being an utter doormat to everyone. they are ALL using you.

I wanted to just tell her to get on with it but i took the path of least resistance

Oh god, not again ...

OP as I keep saying every new thread....

LEAVE HER TO IT. TELL SS etc YOU ARE NO LONGER INVOLVED!!

NO FURTHER COMMUNICATIONS WITH DM OR AGENCIES?GP`S INVOLVED!!

but you dont want to hear it....its "lalalalalalala"!!! and then you whine here lol! ooooh you frustrate me.

The battle between reclaiming your mental health and managing the sense of guilt from not 'doing your duty' is incredibly difficult. It's not simple to drop contact after years of responsibility. It's not as simple as just stepping away unless you have excellent support for yourself.

@TheoriginalLEM regardless of how you deal with this current situation please self-refer to your local IAPT for counselling. You will need to find a way to manage your reactions, anxiety and sense of guilt and to set some clear boundaries.

@norfolkforever. It's all very well saying these things from the outside but this is the OP's mother she is talking about here. Yes she is difficult and the OP is conflicted but don't expect people to be able to just cut off their emotions, sense of duty and guilt because something seems logical to you.

There is a current thread about empathy. Have a little think about this. Just because there is a response that is logical to you doesn't mean it sits right with another person to act like this .

Don't be too tough on norfolk.

OP cannot change other people's behaviours, only her own.

It is difficult, really difficult, however it is a case of if you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.

I am starting to wonder why OP does not acknowledge constructive posts. The elderly parents board is where the knowledge and understanding lies. Quite often advice will include getting some sort of therapy so that you can move beyond the "parent-child" into something more useful.

Social services are the people to speak to. As a PP suggested they get several calls a day with people outlining similar problems. OP perhaps should write down the problems and what she would like to happen and send it to SS.

Repeated threads on AIBU? A refusal to acknowledge some of the more practical suggestions?

Yes it is really tough, and OPs distress is obvious. However norfolk's advice seems about right. The mum is not going to change, indeed the more difficult aspects of her character are likely to become more obvious with age. OP needs to reflect and decide what she wants to do, what she can do, and then set boundaries.

FWIW when dealing with my own oldie I used my husband as an excuse. She would have been happy to have me running around after her, regardless of the emotional, physical and financial cost to me. However she did listen when I suggested DH was putting his foot down. He wasn't. However she came from a world where men did put their feet down, and deep down she was terrified of me withdrawing my support.

What a brilliant post, Needmoresleep

If he was at the shop why didn’t he just go in anyway and then take the card back? I couldn’t leave a housebound person with no food.

Sorry read full updates, I don’t understand why people are saying to leave her to it.. she has MH problems.. has she always treated you badly? Or is it because of her MH issues? If it’s because of the MH then I wouldn’t abandon her as it’s the MH not her.