To leave my elderly mother without food shopping.

[TheoriginalLEM]

There is back story but it's long.

So my mother is pretty much house bound. She has carers 3 times a day. (Again, issues here). We do her shopping, i keep her bank card for this reason.

She got into a strop over something and demanded her card back at the beginning of the week. After a difficult week i persuaded her to give me the card on Friday so dp could fetch the shop on Saturday. She called DP on Saturday morning just as he was going ibto the shop telling him to bring the card back, she doesn't want/Will do her own/will find someone else to do it. So DP returned the card before doing the shopping.

I had s call from the care agency yesterday telling me she has no food and can i "rectify the situation"

Firstly, she does have food but not really sufficient/appropriate.

Secondly, i now don't have her card and I cannot afford to do her weekly shop.

Aibu for simply not doing it I should I just shop from my own (tight) budget?

Postnotinhaste is bang on. Back off and leave her to it for your own sanity. She has the capacity to make this decision so can live with the consequences. The care agency will make sure she is not neglected. You need to look after your self.

LEM, I also support your decision if you need to step back.
Some people like to bite the hand that feeds them, sadly.

My mum is pretty much housebound, has a Wiltshire Farm Foods catalogue, and phones through 14 dinners a week and some puddings from them. She has two dinners a day. The hospital started this two meals a day routine with her when she was in and she enjoyed it. They only need microwaving - could your mum do that? The company can hold the card details, I think, so she'd only need to give the three digit security code over the phone. That way she could choose what she wants from a book each week, tell them over the phone, and retain control. You'd only need to top up with bread, milk, teabags and maybe some biscuits.

As pp asked, what was the strop about re getting her card back? That might be relevant.

You're fine to step back. No care agency will allow someone to starve.

The first way to stop being bullied and abused is not to enable it.

She'll be just fine.

Does she have capacity to make financial decisions?
Are any other services involved?

Also, you aren’t leaving her without food. She’s doing that herself. Deliberately. To get at you. This will just go on and on and on until you can break the cycle. I do feel for you.

It sounds like it is time to start discussing power of attorney for both her health and welfare and her financial affairs.

((((LEM))))

Try not to be cross with your DP, I do understand where you’re coming from and personally I’d have just done her shop anyway, but I can see his POV and he’s a lovely bloke.

YOU need to do whatever makes coping with her the easiest on you. She’s a master manipulator who doesn’t doesn’t deserve you. YOU are important here! YOU need to look after you, first & foremost - because if you go under that’s bad for you, DP & your DD.

People that don’t know the back story will offer solutions & might think you’re being harsh. Those of us who do know the back story know that no matter what you put in place she will just keep trying to manipulate you until you don’t know which way is up.

It’s SO hard because the sane thing to do would be to hand her over to SS & refuse to have anymore to do with her, but irrespective of how fucking awful she’s been to you , there’s still that ‘but she’s my mum’ and you still want her love & approval. Despite common sense telling you that you’ll never change her!

Big hugs my lovely. Have real hugs with DP & DD & remember who the important people are in all of this. 💕🌷

Follow all phone calls in writing, think paper trail at all time. She needs to know that you are prepared to walk away and at the moment you have to for the sake of your physical and mental health.

Don’t forget that a key part of the whole capacity thing is that people have the right to make decisions that others deem to be unwise. She will come up with thing after thing to have you jumping through hoops until she sees that you won’t. Now is the time to stop, I really feel for you

Prioritise yourself. You're no use to anyone if you aren't in a good place, but especially yourself. You have to prioritise yourself and your immediate family.

If she is being manipulative then it'll do her no harm to realise that actions have consequences and she can't treat people like dirt and expect to get the luxury of staying in her own home being attended to. Harsh but true.

However, if it's because things are getting medically worse, the reality is you need to look at other options. The current set up isn't working. You can't continue to do this and honestly, no child of anyone deserves this to be their life for 10, 20 plus years. Perhaps a home would be better for everyone. She'd get more care day to day and you won't be run ragged. It'll mean you can actually visit and spend quality time rather than be abused daily.

Definitely consider some different options, though.

Ring social services, ideally her social worker and tell them you can no longer care for her in any capacity. She doesn't want you to shop anyway- how can you shop?

But reading your latest updates I agree you need to step back a bit. I think the loss of control is a big thing for them. Dsis gets a lot of requests to pick up prescriptions when they have enough left to last weeks but if you say you can't go until x day they panic and get very upset. They won't see reason that they have plenty spare as they "don't want to run short". I can imagine the ordering once a month would cause trouble in our family too. I can't see why it's an issue except they get set in their ways, want it done how theyve always done it and are scared of losing that control over their lives. You do have to be firm sometimes and try not to feel guilty over it. You are being more than reasonable.

Leave her to it, you have done all you can and she has taken it out of your control. She does not have dementia and has told you she doesn't want your help. What else can you do? And why should you do anything else?

Funnily enough my relative with MH difficulties is also obssessive about medication (has been really controlling about their spouse's meds too previously!) so I can well believe that would be a trigger!

SS may listen to the carers more than you, so my previous advice of pushing back still applies!

OMG LEM, you have to step back. I second everything Post has said. I know your mum doesn't have dementia, my mum did and she was incredibly hard. It's so hard to protect yourself but you have to. And that means forcing the issue with SS, everyone will pass the buck if they can. Get the rottweiler from the care agency to back you up.

Good luck

Leave her to it!

Phone adult social services now. (There will be an emergency number.)

Explain the problem and say it needs someone outside the family to broker a solution.

They will not let her starve on their watch. They will be very used to awkward elderlies.

Just wishing you well LEM. In practical terms I think (like others) that an online shop would be easiest, since you only need to input the card details once. My M has similar issues though is younger and generally self-sufficient, but I find the most helpful thing is toddler-like options: "We can keep your card and do your food shop, or you can sort it for yourself. Which would you prefer?"

I worked in a supporting role for adult social services, this sort of thing played out several times a —day— week. It’s so, so common. And the poor family who are trying to help gets in a spin when it happens, often over and over again. If you come up with a solution (another card, online banking, online shopping) she’s only going to fuck it up again. Deliberately. It’s not solutions she wants, its attention. At this point, any help you give is only enabling the situation.

Step back. For everyone’s sake step back and let the balls drop. Someone else can pick them up.. the professionals know how to deal with this. Let them do it.

This advice is spot on:

You have to be very clear with the care agency that she no longer wants you to do her shopping and has removed from you any means of paying for it therefore you cannot do her shopping. If they believe she has no food and cannot get it herself then they need to report to social services so they can re assess her care package

You've had lots of good ideas here. I agree with those saying that it's OK for you to step back. Let the care team and social services know what's going on.

Moving forwards, another option could be meals on wheels.

I was going to say the same about paper trail. I always recommend this. No one can argue with email or letters but phone calls can be denied.

I’d suggest power of attorney on a good day if possible so no more nonsense re finances.

@snoweybaubles......He no longer had permission to use it. In the States thats financial fraud and prison time

Set up online shopping, save the card details on there and you'll just need the three digit number from the back of the card each time you order.