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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave my elderly mother without food shopping.

135 replies

TheoriginalLEM · 08/12/2019 10:36

There is back story but it's long.

So my mother is pretty much house bound. She has carers 3 times a day. (Again, issues here). We do her shopping, i keep her bank card for this reason.

She got into a strop over something and demanded her card back at the beginning of the week. After a difficult week i persuaded her to give me the card on Friday so dp could fetch the shop on Saturday. She called DP on Saturday morning just as he was going ibto the shop telling him to bring the card back, she doesn't want/Will do her own/will find someone else to do it. So DP returned the card before doing the shopping.

I had s call from the care agency yesterday telling me she has no food and can i "rectify the situation"

Firstly, she does have food but not really sufficient/appropriate.

Secondly, i now don't have her card and I cannot afford to do her weekly shop.

Aibu for simply not doing it I should I just shop from my own (tight) budget?

OP posts:
snowybaubles · 08/12/2019 12:36

He no longer had permission to use it. In the States thats financial fraud and prison time

Realistically though Hmm

Anyway, we are way past this point.

TheMustressMhor · 08/12/2019 12:38

HunnyMummy's advice is perfect, OP.

Your own mental health is deteriorating now, and has been for ages.

It is absolutely time to step back and let someone else deal with your mother and her methods of controlling other people.

If she has insufficient food, too bad. She is not actually starving.

She has brought this situation on herself. I do not blame your partner for abandoning the shop when she demanded the card back again.
We all have our breaking points.

Poissonpoison · 08/12/2019 12:41

Please look into Wiltshire farm foods. She selects what she wants and can phone it in, they then deliver it on a nominated day. Carers just stick it in the oven/microwave. There are a few similar businesses that offer this.

reginafelangee · 08/12/2019 12:46

My mum has been going through this with a friend she has ended up caring for (family won't).

It sounds like she is beginning to need more care. Now is the time to starting pushing for social services to take on the shopping.

Its really hard for you and very frustrating but you can't leave a vulnerable elderly woman without food. No matter how annoying it is.

Put up with the short term situation whilst sorting out a longer term solution.

Fluffycloudland77 · 08/12/2019 12:54

I think your going to get the same advice as last time.

Sparklybaublefest · 08/12/2019 12:57

Or Meals on Wheels, she gets to choose weekly, they deliver, hot or cold

Fr0g · 08/12/2019 13:07

the regular standing order to you, that you account for spending with receipts, sounds a good option. Some months maybe more or less - but try and choose a sum that covers - you'll need to wait until you Mother is in a more reasonable frame of mind though.

I did my Fathers shop online for the last few years of his life - once the card was saved on the account, no access issues - not that he was difficult about it.

If you haven't already, do look at setting up both financial and medical power of attorney so that it is in place if/when she deteriorates.

Fr0g · 08/12/2019 13:14

the other thing I did with my Father was set up a milk delivery - I think it was called "milk and more".
He didn't really need milk deliveries separate to the tesco delivery, but once the account was set up it meant he could call and order basics to be delivered - bread, butter, I think there was quite a range. I think it was a direct debit payment.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 08/12/2019 13:15

You know that you are being abused and manipulated, right? I would guess that this has always been the case and you see it was pretty normal.

There is no happy ending here, all you can do is not allow the worst to happen (a total breakdown after possibly years more of this, with your child's needs being neglected because your mother has completely drained you). Your health is suffering and your daughter needs you.
I think your idea of dropping off bread and milk today is a good one, but I also think you need to make it very clear to everyone (in writing) that your role as support for your mother is over. Then will come the hard part- actually sticking to it and not giving in when the pressure is applied (by SS, by everyone else she complains to about your "cruel, heartless" behaviour).

I'm usually very in favour of elderly people being given all possible support, but where a relationship is already abusive or controlling, it really isn't a good idea.

MitziK · 08/12/2019 13:20

Stepping back from having any involvement in her finances would be most sensible - had the card been used, your DP could have found that she'd reported it as stolen at the checkout - or that she then claimed he was using it to buy your own groceries whilst leaving her with nothing.

Same with the medication. She's likely to claim that you're deliberately withholding it or stealing/selling it.

You HAVE to step back. You CANNOT continue having any involvement with her in respect of anything that could be interpreted as Elder Abuse.

returnofthecat · 08/12/2019 13:23

You should not be using someone else's bank card! Ever! If there are any issues, the bank will not pay out for fraud and it sounds like that would be a financial disaster for you.

Either your mother needs to transfer you money, or add you to her bank account. The current arrangement exposes you to all kinds of risk.

Online shopping seems like a possible solution - and one that the carers could help her with.

Mix56 · 08/12/2019 13:27

She mustn't give her card to the carer.
My M had a dozens of agency carers over the years. several stole from her while she was still "in charge", also buying steak for themselves whilst giving her sandwiches, getting cash back etc.
Unfortunately by the time we found out one carer had left the country with enough to buy a house in her home country My mother was even paying for her driving lessons....

fedupandlookingforchange · 08/12/2019 13:29

As others have said try wiltshire farm foods, cuts out the whole meal planning and cooking, just microwave. They have differently priced ranges to suit different budgets.

EffYouSeeKaye · 08/12/2019 13:46

Ah LEM, this is so tough for you, give yourself a break. Loads of good advice here. I think your options put simple could be:

  1. Drop bread and milk so she won’t starve so that you don’t worry about her but she gets the message that these shenanigans = very boring diet.
  2. Online shop with her bank details, possibly delivered when the carer is present if that’s necessary.
  3. Go non-contact.
Puzzledandpissedoff · 08/12/2019 13:51

If you come up with a solution (another card, online banking, online shopping) she’s only going to fk it up again. Deliberately. It’s not solutions she wants, its attention. At this point, any help you give is only enabling the situation

Beautifully put

Aycharow · 08/12/2019 14:13

Banks really frown on people using someone else's bank card, and for many very good reasons.

If she is being abusive towards you then tell social services that you are refusing to accept responsibility for her any longer, and leave her (and them) to it.

SmudgeButt · 08/12/2019 14:27

Sorry to hear you're having such problems. Unfortunately it sounds too familiar to me and I think you need to be prepared for it to get worse.

First - you or your OH using her card with or without a pin would be considered theft by many - the police may understand but still take a dim view. So would her bank. That she gets nasty to you means she may accuse you of theft - and cctv from the shops would essentially back this up.

Second - you need to either get 3rd party authority including your own card on her account - but she will need to agree to this, possibly in person with her bank. If she is willing to agree her bank may be willing to visit her at home and do all the paperwork to put this place. I needed to do this with my MiL when she was in a care home.

Finally - she MUST get a power of attorney in place. If she is house bound, possibly declining into dementia then she is going to need help managing. If you can't help, if she won't let you then SS will need to do so but for your peace of mind I would suggest you help get something set up with her now before there is a real crisis (when it will be completely out of your hands). She'll need to do 2 - one for finances and one for health - but the finances one sounds most urgent at this time. If her income is fairly low (under £12k I think?) both can be do-able with an online application for about £150.

Good luck. Wrangling the elderly is not a fun thing.

RedPanda2 · 08/12/2019 14:36

OP I really feel for you. My mums mum was like this. No dementia, just a total bitch. She'd always been like it, near the end my mum had to go low contact as she was so ill with it. Please put yourself first.

diddl · 08/12/2019 14:54

I wouldn't want to be using someone else's card tbh.

So she will find someone else-who?

NOT saying that Op should step back in btw.

If you regularly shop for her it's hard to see that she really needs a shop doing right now tbh.

independentfriend · 08/12/2019 15:01

I think it's time to stop accepting her bank card - it's something you're really not supposed to have and while you might go with it as quick/convenient with someone who behaves sensibly/non-abusively, it's not safe for you to carry on doing this way with her.

If she were more reasonable you could ask to be a third party signatory on her account and/or set up a joint account for shopping, but that won't really fix the problem when the problem is her behaviour.

In addition to phone calls to the care agency and social services, it's worth putting as much of the situation as you can in writing to them and to her GP.

DontBiteTheBoobThatFeedsYou · 08/12/2019 15:05

You poor bastard. You can't do right for doing wrong.

I pressed YABU just because I couldn't leave even an arsehole without bread and milk but I saw straight away that's what you intended on doing.

The bare minimum so she doesn't starve, because what else can you do? She has a strong mind of her own.

IFartGlitterAndTinsel · 08/12/2019 15:19

Could you get a joint bank account with her?? That way she has a card and you have one to do her shopping with too

lynzpynz · 08/12/2019 15:41

Tell them you are happy to organise an online shop to be delivered to her if they can persuade her to give you her bank details as she is refusing to give them to you and there's not a lot else you can do as you can't afford to shop for her too as on v tight budget.

That's making them aware of the issue and providing a solution they can facilitate themselves.

Needmoresleep · 08/12/2019 15:43

Also find your way over to the elderly parents board on MN. Lots of experience and kindness there.

It will get worse, sadly. You will need to develop boundaries and assertiveness if you are going to be able to support your mother without sinking yourself.

rededucator · 08/12/2019 15:48

You're really considering leaving your clearly unwell mother without sufficient food? The mind boggles.