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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed at husband regarding cleaning

493 replies

User40465 · 08/12/2019 09:05

My husband works away 4-6 weeks at a time and around a week before he comes home he sends me lists of everything in the house he wants cleaned. He basically wants the house to look like a show house.

Just to point out i am clean but just not as squeaky OCD clean as he is. I work and have 2 children under 5 so think it’s abit unfair for him to expect it when he could help me when he comes home?

Aibu?

OP posts:
Ash39 · 08/12/2019 10:15

I like the idea of sending a list back

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 08/12/2019 10:15

I just wouldn't do it. So what if he sulks for a few days. Make sure you're busy with work and the kids anyway and ignore the sulking.

Who does maintenance around the house? If its him does he do all those little jobs when he comes back?

ByAppointmentTo · 08/12/2019 10:15

OP, that's awful! Do not do anything that you don't want to do. You carry the load for the children and running of the household whilst he's away, do not pander to his unreasonable demands.

My Dh also has a similar working pattern. I do run myself ragged before he comes home making sure the house is as clean and tidy as possible and all beds have clean sheets etc. However this is something I choose to do as I want DH to come home to a nice, relaxing home. He would never ask me to do things or expect them to be done - he is just pleased to be back home!

glitterbiscuits · 08/12/2019 10:16

Do you get any messages like

"I can't wait to see you and the children"
@User40465

I just read your post to my DH and after he finished laughing he said
'Tell him to fuck off and change the locks.'

billy1966 · 08/12/2019 10:18

OP, you poor woman.
Awful to be you.
You are doing it all and you get a list like that.
Does he tell you at all how great you are to be juggling it all.

Abusive prick.
What exactly does he bring to the table....beside his list.

My husband worked away for a time.
He'd have been told don't bother coming back....not that he would ever dream of it .....being a decent, good man.

Have a good hard think OP.

💐💐

JasonPollack · 08/12/2019 10:18

What the fuck.

If he's not coming home to give you a break from parenting two young kids by yourself, and is instead adding to the jobs! This is incredibly selfish, possibly abusive depending on the rest of his behavior. Does he normally tell you what to do?

SandyClawsIsComingToTown · 08/12/2019 10:19

What the actual fuck? What an appalling way to treat your wife.

MissMoiselle · 08/12/2019 10:21

@Yetanotherwinter I'm not saying it's an excuse. My DH got lists from his DM as she's a list-maker herself, then the military had a set of checklists for their living quarters and he still makes lists for himself now. Just not for me because I nipped it in the bud when we started living together.
OP, if you haven't spoken up about it for years, there's no time like the present! Yes, he works away for a long time but that does not mean he has a right to expect a 1950s housewife and showhome when he returns. Does he usually help with the kids and housework when he's back? Does he stay in a hotel while he's away? His expectations are wrong if he's expecting the same level of cleanliness/tidiness when you have 2 young DC AND work full time, then he's wrong. Could you speak to him directly about this? How would he react if you gave him a "to do list" on his return?

mousemousse · 08/12/2019 10:21

Say you'll forward it on got the cleaner once he's arranged one

PepsiLola · 08/12/2019 10:22

If my "D"H gave me a list like yours did, I would shove it so far up his arse!!!

What generation did you wake up in? 1950s much?

Ponoka7 · 08/12/2019 10:23

"If I said no he would probably just sulk and not speak to me for a few days"

That's abusive behaviour and you don't have to live with it.

I worry when your children are older how he is going to be. You've chosen to live with this, but they don't have a choice.

CallmeAngelina · 08/12/2019 10:23

Send it back to him with a note saying, "If you value me and our marriage, please do not ever send me a list like this again."

DarlingNikita · 08/12/2019 10:27

Tell him he seems to have sent you the housekeeper's list in error.

Jesuisclaude · 08/12/2019 10:29

‘Well, tbh darling you’ve had nothing to do in the domestic front while you’re away, so I’m expecting you to really pick up the slack and give me a break while you’re here. I’m afraid if you want professional deep-clean standards, you’ll have to get on with that yourself while you’re here - I’m too busy working and carrying all the usual domestic load on my own to do extras.’

My DH works away in the week, he basically walks in the door and starts doing laundry etc at the weekend.

LastInTheQueue · 08/12/2019 10:29

Initial reaction is that he’s a total knob.
However, I also kinda get where he’s coming from. He has the right idea, but is being a total dick in his communication.

I used to work away 3 out of 4 weeks, and would feel really resentful that I’d come home to clean when DP had been home all along, and it was his mess (no children). Part of the issue is that I was living in hotels for those three weeks where things are always clean and it’s not real life.

However, I was essentially spending my down time not having quality time but instead cleaning and tidying before leaving again.

Yes, it’d nice for him to have it be all “clean” for when he comes home. It’d be lovely for you too.

So, he can make it nice for both of you. Next time he’s home he can sort out a cleaning company to come on a weekly basis, and then do a slightly bigger clean when he’s due to return. That way you can ALL enjoy it.

SourAndSnippy · 08/12/2019 10:31

I predict this will be in the Daily Fail.

euphorbian · 08/12/2019 10:34

Well it made me laugh. My DH is the opposite. If he gave me a list it would be a list of his stuff not to touch. He lives in a total mess but appears to know where everything is.

Are there any normal people out there.

BarbaraofSeville · 08/12/2019 10:35

Last

That's a totally different situation. She is cleaning, just not to his standards, plus she's looking after their 2 DC singlehandedly plus working full time.

Your DP was basically doing fuck all except making a mess by the sounds of it. In your case, I wouldn't be cleaning up for his benefit, which it was as you weren't there. He was thinking 'I don't need to do anything as Last will do it when she comes back'. He then had the benefit of a clean house to enjoy and slowly destroy while you weren't there.

OP, it's not normal, and you need to take the advice given on this thread. Flowers.

Boredisboring · 08/12/2019 10:36

FIL was in the navy. After he got married, he came back from sea and tried to carry out a house inspection to make sure that everything was "ship-shape". MIL told him where to stick it, thank God.

TheReef · 08/12/2019 10:37

Send it back to him with a note saying, "If you value me and our marriage, please do not ever send me a list like this again

This with bells on it!

Original poster
User40465 · 08/12/2019 10:37

Sorry I am reading all of the replies, I just don’t really know what to say, I’m just embarrased

I told my work colleague about the lists a few months ago (she has seen my house when my husband is away to confirm it’s clean) and she looked at me in absolute horror but I never understood why she was so shocked, but after reading these messages I understand why her reaction was the way it was

OP posts:
AlwaysCheddar · 08/12/2019 10:39

As above!!!

AlwaysCheddar · 08/12/2019 10:39

It is absolutely appalling behaviour. Controlling and vile.

Celticrose · 08/12/2019 10:40

So he is working away from home. What are his hours. I am assuming that he goes from his workplace go a hotel where he gets to relax of an evening. Also his room is cleaned by housekeeping, bed sheets changed maybe even a laundry service. So he only gets to concentrate on his work whereas you OTOH work clean house and do childcare 24/7. When do you get the time to chill out. Do you do school/nursery pickups and drop offs. Are you up during the night with the kids. Do have any help at all.
Personally I would let him sulk or leave for a few days and let him see what you have to do though the work bit would be missing

CallmeAngelina · 08/12/2019 10:41

So, what are you going to do, OP?
When is he next due home?