To be annoyed at husband regarding cleaning

[User40465]

My husband works away 4-6 weeks at a time and around a week before he comes home he sends me lists of everything in the house he wants cleaned. He basically wants the house to look like a show house.

Just to point out i am clean but just not as squeaky OCD clean as he is. I work and have 2 children under 5 so think it’s abit unfair for him to expect it when he could help me when he comes home?

Aibu?

OMG.... he literally sends you a tick off list for him to check! This is so very very controlling.

Does he work in a job where he barks orders at people and then checks they have been satisfactorily done? If so he needs reminding that at home you are PARTNERS - he is not the boss.

How would he react if you said no?

If my DH sent me a list like that he would be getting divorced so bloody quick. But he wouldn’t, because he’s nice.

Drawers? are you serious??

What a miserable arse. I feel for you, OP! This just isn’t normal, never mind loving or respectful.

Just don’t do it! He can do it himself.

Reply with a hyperlink to a cleaning service, and if he doesn't like it he has the option of doing it himself. He will probably come back with an arsey reply because you have danced to his tune for 3 years, but stand firm and DO NOT help him do these tasks on his return, if he feels so strongly about it he will do it himself.

If that's just 1 page, how many others are there?

WHAT

This is not normal. It's controlling and disrespectful.
He's sees you as his housekeeper

You hold the fort with two preschool dc and a full time job and he thinks he can dish out lists like Mary Poppins on crack?

Nah.

He can either do it himself or hire a cleaner if he doesn’t like your standards.

He MADE you do it? Oh no. That's just all kinds of wrong. Are you afraid of him? Don't have to answer here but answer honestly to yourself.

He has NO RIGHT to boss you like this or MAKE you do a damn thing.

Send him a tick list back of recognizing controlling characteristics, how to live equally with your partner and ask him to ensure he's fulfilled all the criteria of being a pleasant human being before he returns home.

What does he do on his 3 weeks when he is home?

That is awful.

I would ignore it, and if he tried to make me do it the next day, I would go out for the day and leave him with the children too.

Dude, come on. He's treating you like shit. Like an unpaid slave. And I bet he's nasty with it.

Do you like being married to him? I bet it's heavenly when he's away!

If you've been going along with this for years, you probably need to start with something like replying (gritted teeth) "no need for instructions sweetheart, I know how to clean the house. I'm not staff"

Wow, so he’s facilitated by you to be a parent and work as though he has no DC, does no parenting or domestic work at all for weeks on end, you do it and work out of the home, and he thinks he can instruct you like a member of staff he considers isn’t meeting his standards.

Get some counselling, alone, to work out why you’ve put up with this kind of shit.

New plan. Pack a bag, when he walks in the door hand him the list, say your turn & I’ve added all the things you need to do for the children, and go away for a couple of nights.
I can’t believe you think that’s normal. A normal marriage would explode if the husband did that even once.

This is abuse.

Please call women’s aid and speak to someone about what emotional abuse/ coercive control is.

You need the freedom program.

Your dh is a controlling, rude, overbearing wank badger who doesn’t love or value you much.

I would honestly leave. I couldn’t live with someone this shit.

If he’s otherwise wonderful then you cold try sending a link to a cleaning service or writing him a list of the million jobs you do a day all ticked off, and tell him to fuck off with this power trip.

In the meantime something like “if you want the house to be cleaner, clean it yourself when you get back” would suffice.

I'd E mail him back telling him that this is yours and your dc home and is not a show house and if he doesn't like then I would suggest he stays elsewhere.

You need to have a conversation with him about his unrealistic ideas of what a family home looks like. And going forward you will be continuing as normal as you do when he is not there. But he is more then welcome to spend his free time cooking and cleaning rather then actually parenting and catching up and bonding with his children and if this doesn't suit him then he needs to look for an alternative place to stay while not working. And he can have visitation with his children.

Omg what an idiot!

• pour crumbs all over surfaces
• find out of date milk bottle and add yoghurt
• splatter sauce all over hob
• drop an egg on kitchen floor
• fingerprints all over TV

• flour on taps

• empty Hoover bag on carpet

Well, first of all I’d tell him I’m unable to hover anywhere never mind on the landing , then I’d tell him to get a grip or a solicitor.

Bloody hell OP, that's awful. Why doesn't he do it himself? There's not a chance in hell I'd be cleaning anything if my husband TOLD me to. That's ludicrous.

Do you like being married to him? Is he otherwise a good husband?

He can't make you do things, even cleaning. I'm assuming your house isn't filthy top to bottom and you generally keep on top of cleaning and tidying anyway. Does he help when he's at home? What would happen if you float out refused to do the cleaning for him coming home, or refused to do it once he got home and seen it hadn't been done?

Right so you do all the cleaning and childcare and all the other wifework while he fucks off for a few weeks at a time then he wants you to spend the days before he gets back making sure everything is up to his standards?

HAHAHAHAHA. Tell him to fuck right off.