To be annoyed at husband regarding cleaning

[User40465]

My husband works away 4-6 weeks at a time and around a week before he comes home he sends me lists of everything in the house he wants cleaned. He basically wants the house to look like a show house.

Just to point out i am clean but just not as squeaky OCD clean as he is. I work and have 2 children under 5 so think it’s abit unfair for him to expect it when he could help me when he comes home?

Aibu?

Oh OP, your last post made me truly sad.

I'm sure your parents would want to know how truly awful you're feeling, and yet again, you're putting others needs and wants above your own.

Please, please tell someone how you are feeling and how much you're dreading your 'DH' returning.
Your mental health is absolutely your first priority for both you and your kids. All the faking and lying and contorting yourself to ensure everyone else's happiness HAS A COST.

I truly understand how you want to keep the peace and keep the wheels of 'normal life' turning, especially over Christmas, but you NEED to vent to someone. Maybe the anonymous phone lines e.g the samaritans ? You can call them and cry, scream, vent and talk about everything, but without any risk of 'upsetting the apple cart' meantime ?
At least you can chat to someone who is totally impartial just so you don't either implode, explode or cave in.
You are questioning your whole way of life, realising it is not 'normal' and as also not working for you in any way. All that is HUGE, and will take time to think and to plan and to decide what you want to do and how you will do it.
Doing cleaning now is both avoidance and capitulation, so STOP CLEANING and use the time you have to speak to someone.

I'm hopeful that just voicing your concerns and feelings to someone (even anonymously), will release some pressure on you, and give you the strength to get through the holidays.
You are at a crossroad in your life, and once your DH has left for work again will be soon enough to begin any changes you're thinking about.

I wish you peace (strength you have in bucketfuls, but you need to obtain peace). My thoughts will be with you over the holidays. x

I think if I was to tell someone I would just burst out crying and I don’t really want to do that.

@User40465, thank you for the personal reply, (very kind with the hundreds of responses for you to take in), & I completely understand - & remember! - the not-wanting-to cry thing.

Again, from a very gentle place of experience & advice ... this is certainly why I, & probably many, many other PPs have been suggesting e.g. Womens' Aid. For you, WA could simply be another resource, much as you are doing now with MN - but real life.

Please do not feel pushed into any any response that you either do not want or do not feel ready to make.
However ... none of us got here (i.e. to freedom) without help.
You do need a real life outlet, & WA could be your confidential, experienced & knowledgeable "safe pair of hands" where anyone you speak to has seen it all before, will not be surprised or startled if you need to cry, & knows how to tactfully assist women who are still dealing with the embarrassment, fear, & 'revelation-shock' that are all part of the process.

You are coming over as very thoughtful, smart, & amazingly calm by the way. The last thing you need is any more externally-imposed pressures. Keep taking the thinking & processing one day at a time, & have fun with your kids :)

excuse me what?!

ok... so my DH is not perfect, and he works away for 4-6 weeks at a time. when he comes home he is aware i've been here working and looking after our kids alone and therefore

oops, got climbed on by a toddler (am not cleaning)... THEREFORE ... the house, washing, a load of other jobs may well not be up to date. now don't get me wrong, he is pretty bloody useless with many things and he only helps with what he deems important/wants to, but he would not dream of even passing comment and certainly would not send me A LIST. seriously this is batshit. you are working and looking after kids alone. he should be paying for a twice weekly cleaner and being bloody grateful that you don't make his life working away problematic (H will often remark on how many people in his industry have marriage problems, unhappy wives, cheating wives, third fourth marriages etc, cos it's a bloody hard life of feast and famine!).

what a pure twat I'm livid for you.

Am feeling pretty awestruck by PP's excellent responses - especially @KizzyWayfarer & @nowayhose.

You nailed it. OP must look after her own MH, & I trust forgive some of us for "kindly robustness" in urging her to do just that.

Here is to self-care & self-esteem, sisters

@ messolini9

Here is to self-care & self-esteem, sisters wine

CHEERS !

xx

@MissMoiselle nice; standard mumsnet “all on my children are pricks” prejudice. Get a grip.

You are an amazing person @constantreader!

OP... there’s been some excellent advice on this thread , particularly from a few posters who know exactly what you’re going through.
I doubt that Women’s Aid will not listen to you and they will have heard stories like yours many times before.
You need to really think about what is best for you and your children and think about whether you can carry on with the status quo.
My heart goes out to you.

@1Morewineplease that's very kind, but honestly I'm not! I really feel for what the OP (and others on here) have been dealing with and just wanted to throw in my two cents' worth - there IS hope to escape this type of relationship and live your own life on your own terms.

@User40465 can I just say again I totally understand what you're feeling just now. Please, please let the people closest to you know how you're feeling. As @messolini9 pointed out, none of us got out of here without support. I know that no matter how much I was struggling in my own life I would never have thought twice about helping a family member or friend who needed help - in fact if I found out after the fact that they need support and hadn't come to me I'd be truly devastated. WA is there for you and your issues are no less valid than anyone else in a domestic abuse situation.

I know this feels completely overwhelming for you. It's up to you to decide what you feel you want to do, and you can take comfort in the fact that there ARE organisations that will offer support if you choose to take the first steps towards taking your life back into your own control. My offer of PM'ing stands now, and will stand indefinitely. Please think about taking PP's up on their offers of support.

You wouldn't be wasting the time of Women's Aid or the Freedom Programme if you wanted to contact them.

Is any of the rest of this familiar? It's not about ticking every single possible example of controlling behaviour; any coercive control is too much and people will want to help you.

He's not in charge of you. He seems to see himself as head of the household, and you as someone who's there to facilitate his life.

It sounds like you're no longer happy in the relationship (and who can blame you). Take some time to work out what would make you happy.

You should say no to the next photo. You have told him about the lists and not being happy that he does that. So you are beginning to put boundaries in place. You need to keep doing this. If he gaslights you refer back to the fact he sends lists. Small steps but he needs to know and be pulled up on these things. If he gives you the silent treatment, pull him up. I know what it's like being a child to one parent who can be controlling and one who just do anything for a quite life (mostly). It's not right, I pull up my parent up who can be controlling everytime, and he doesn't like it but I definitely get respect off him after the initial confrontation. I wish my mum wouldn't let him get away with it. I know it's not easy to confront these things but don't let him treat you like less of an equal.

@User40465 good luck this weekend, do you have family and support close by if you need them.

When will he be home?

If he doesn’t like the cleaning you have done don’t stay around for him to force you to clean together. Go out for the day.

Take the kids with you then he cannot argue you aren’t doing anything.

You are providing childcare.

If he wants the house cleaned to his standard then he needs to clean it to his standard

OP is on my mind.
Hope you are ok💐

Is he home now OP? Was the house up to his standard?

I hope all is ok💐

Are you ok op? 💐

Wait, he's away for 4-6wks at a time then home for 3-4? OP you're the second family.

@Andysbestadventure no she's not he's probably in the merchant navy/military/many other lines of work.

This has made me so sad. OP you don’t have to live like this. If your DH won’t see the error of his ways and change please leave him. You will cope and you will be happy again.

I'm the adult child of a man like this....very similar... Expected my mum to DO EVERYTHING....

It was just accepted... Of the way things are...
She wasn't happy and would push back ocassioanally, and then he'd do the bad tempered treatment for days at a time...

All controlling... All shit...

It gave me completely skewed ideas about;

Families
Relationships
How women should be treated
Men/women :tasks'...

Please don't let your kids grow up with this

Thinking of you OP, do let us know how you're getting on if you can x