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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed at husband regarding cleaning

493 replies

User40465 · 08/12/2019 09:05

My husband works away 4-6 weeks at a time and around a week before he comes home he sends me lists of everything in the house he wants cleaned. He basically wants the house to look like a show house.

Just to point out i am clean but just not as squeaky OCD clean as he is. I work and have 2 children under 5 so think it’s abit unfair for him to expect it when he could help me when he comes home?

Aibu?

OP posts:
Cornettoninja · 08/12/2019 09:57

He says he just likes knowing it’s clean so he has nothing to do when he comes home

WTF! Wouldn’t we fucking all!?!

Honestly he’s taking the piss out of you.

Provided there’s nothing else of concern to you (and he sounds the type to be intimidating in some way in which case my advice would be far more cautious for your safety) stop pandering to him immediately. Your kids see this (no matter how much you think it’s hidden) and will grow up thinking it’s normal and healthy.

dementedpixie · 08/12/2019 09:58

But if OP keeps it clean already, why would she need a list? Cleaning machine filters makes no difference to how the house looks but is on the list

TeachesOfPeaches · 08/12/2019 09:58

I feel really sad for you OP

Scarydinosaurs · 08/12/2019 09:58

I’d take the sulking.

UnaCorda · 08/12/2019 10:00

Does he think you're his employee?? That list is ridiculous (plus ask him to show you how to "hover" on the landing).

Tortoiser · 08/12/2019 10:00

So other than write you a list of cleaning requirements, what does this gem of a man actually do to practically help when he’s back?

Iamnotagoddess · 08/12/2019 10:00

He sulks if you don’t do it?

OP I think you are in a really abusive relationship Sad

TheHootiestOwl · 08/12/2019 10:01

Oh he’s a sulker!

Whatelsecouldibecalled · 08/12/2019 10:01

Fuck me that’s unbelievable. My husband works away (military) and would never dream of doing that. And If he ever did I would tell him exactly where to shove his list. You’re his WIFE not a slave!

Ibloodylovewomen · 08/12/2019 10:02

This has to be a joke.

So many posts on here this morning from women with complete dicks as "partners". He needs to get a grip. This isn't even about the cleaning, it's about the complete lack of respect that he is showing towards you.

BiblioX · 08/12/2019 10:02

I hope you find the strength to rediscover your self-respect. This is so wrong. A partner is meant to enhance your life, do you feel cherished? Respected? Your input into caring and keeping safe HIS children valued? Either he can do it himself or pay somebody, if you do not want to you do not have to!

MarianaMoatedGrange · 08/12/2019 10:04

Ah, he's confused, poor lamb. He actually thinks you're his staff, not his equal partner. Bless.

enjoyingscience · 08/12/2019 10:04

Dear god. What an absolute twat your husband is.

frazzledasarock · 08/12/2019 10:05

He likes knowing it’s clean so he doesn’t have to do it himself?

Seriously OP?

Do you and your dc like having him home? Is it nicer when he’s away?

I’d go see a solicitor first thing and plan my exit.

You’re not his own personal slave.

HugoSpritz · 08/12/2019 10:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lurkingattheback · 08/12/2019 10:08

This is not a relationship. You're his house keeper. Unpaid.

GunpowderGelatine · 08/12/2019 10:08

My husband works away 4-6 weeks at a time and around a week before he comes home he sends me lists of everything in the house he wants cleaned

I would honestly do the following:

  • print off the list
  • write "haha fuck off" in red sharpie on big letters over it
  • post it to his hotel with a microfibre cloth, which he can use to clean the house himself when he's back
Straycatstrut · 08/12/2019 10:10

Is this a joke OP?!!

If mine had been working away that long I'd do this anyway and give him a lovely welcome (if he was a decent partner) but if he demanded it I would not!! so flipping rude.

Yetanotherwinter · 08/12/2019 10:10

@MissMoiselle being an only child doesn’t necessarily make you a controlling twat.
OP is this the tip of an iceberg. This is extremely controlling behaviour and not at all normal. How is he in other ways. You must be on absolute pins when he comes home. Does he go round and check your progress. I would send him. The following list:
Show appreciation for caring for our children whilst I’m away.
Buy some nice flowers for wife to show her I’ve missed her.
Ask wife to send me list of shopping she needs as soon as I get home.
Take wife out for meal to show how much I love her.
Stop being a controlling twat.
Think myself lucky she’s not divorcing me for being a controlling twat.

Serin · 08/12/2019 10:10

I'm picturing an army sergeant used to bossing others around.
He is trying to control you OP.
Dont let him.

Ringdonna · 08/12/2019 10:11

Come on.,, this can't be real.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 08/12/2019 10:11

To play devil's advocate here...he works away for considerable lengths of time, is it so hard to have the place nice and welcoming how he likes it when he comes home? The list isn't difficult tasks, it's just basically having the place clean and pleasant

I can't believe how much you have missed the point!

Baboomtsk · 08/12/2019 10:12

It's nice to have things looking nice if possible when someone returns home but this is ridiculous.

My father used to work away for weeks at a time but when he came home, after relaxing for a couple of days he'd get to work on whatever needed to be done (as well as things that probably didn't need to be done). Anything from gardening to DIY to polishing the silverware to doing a deep clean. Not saying your DH has to do all of that but what he's asking for is ridiculous. Tell him to do it himself, you've got enough on your plate.

DrivingMsCrazy · 08/12/2019 10:12

@SweetPetrichor you can be a domestic slave surrendered wifey if you want but don't try to make out this demanding list with tick boxes is in ANY way normal behaviour, because it most certainly is NOT.
If and it's an IF, OP chose to give the house a good clean before he got back, of her own volition, yes fine. But he is TELLING her and will be emotionally horrible if she doesn't comply to his demands. THAT'S what everyone is finding so ridiculous and controlling. It shows absolutely no understanding, respect or care for what she already does, work and raise 2 young kids, while he's away. He's a nob, a potentially abusive and certainly controlling one at that.

OP yaNNNNNNbu to tell him where to get off. I really hope this thread has opened your eyes to his behaviour. It's SO not normal!!

Zaphodsotherhead · 08/12/2019 10:14

Tell him all you managed to do was 'hover' on the landing because you were so busy.

He's not only controlling, he's a sulker too (all that 'not speaking to you for days because you dared to disobey the Great Man).

It's not work. He doesn't employ you. He's not leaving you these lists because maximising your productivity is good for business. It's only good for HIM, because he doesn't care how much stress you are under. He is the Great Man and you must care for him and bow down before him (as, I am willing to bet, his mother did).

Stop. Do the basics, or as much as you can manage. Anything else is HIS PROBLEM, not yours.

Except the hovering of course.

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