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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed at husband regarding cleaning

493 replies

User40465 · 08/12/2019 09:05

My husband works away 4-6 weeks at a time and around a week before he comes home he sends me lists of everything in the house he wants cleaned. He basically wants the house to look like a show house.

Just to point out i am clean but just not as squeaky OCD clean as he is. I work and have 2 children under 5 so think it’s abit unfair for him to expect it when he could help me when he comes home?

Aibu?

OP posts:
Goldenchildsmum · 08/12/2019 10:42

If I said no he would probably just sulk and not speak to me for a few days

Silver lining time

cstaff · 08/12/2019 10:42

Fucking hell OP. I know it is nice to come home to a tidy house but he is taking this to a whole new level. I am sorry but this sounds like you live on an army base.

ddl1 · 08/12/2019 10:44

YANBU at all! Why should it all be your job? And who has a show house with two children under 5? If he's that concerned, he can do the extra cleaning himself, or pay for a cleaner.

Aycharow · 08/12/2019 10:45
Shock
jellybeans44 · 08/12/2019 10:46

I am in genuine shock at this!! I'm so saddened for you that he's made you believe this is normal behaviour.

If I were you I'd completely ruin the house so he came back to a messy and EMPTY home. Absolute prick.

rowrowrowyaboat · 08/12/2019 10:46

So now you have read the replies op what are you going to do? Carry on or change things?
If your scared to change things then theres your answer of if your in an abusive relationship or not.

churchandstate · 08/12/2019 10:46

To play devil's advocate here...he works away for considerable lengths of time, is it so hard to have the place nice and welcoming how he likes it when he comes home? The list isn't difficult tasks, it's just basically having the place clean and pleasant.

Nooooooooooooo!

BuckingFrolics · 08/12/2019 10:49

Goodness me OP you've married a right fuckwit.

Mummyshark2018 · 08/12/2019 10:51

Honestly you should be sending him a list (if anyone was sending lists!) of the household takes that you haven't had time to do because you're looking after his children, working and running a household. Is he controlling in other ways?

Bluerussian · 08/12/2019 10:54

Does he pay for a professional clean? If he is prepared to do that I'd go with it and be delighted. If he expects you to do it he has a bloody cheek!

MarianaMoatedGrange · 08/12/2019 10:55

Are you afraid of him OP?

Teenangels · 08/12/2019 10:55

I would send a message back thanks for the list, but do not ever send me a list like this again if you value our marriage.
As a compromise I have employed a cleaner and given them the list, if you are unhappy with this you can do the jobs when you get home.

CoolcoolcoolcoolcoolNoDoubt · 08/12/2019 10:59

Who the fuck does he think he is? He’s not supporting you for weeks at a time whilst he’s away - he should employ a cleaner.

PriscillaTheHun · 08/12/2019 11:00

Another vote for doing this

Send it back to him with a note saying, "If you value me and our marriage, please do not ever send me a list like this again

And when he's home you need to have a good chat about how hard it is for you doing everything on your own while he's away and that you keep the house as clean & tidy as possible.

Justaboy · 08/12/2019 11:00

He is tidy, when he is at home he cleans a lot, not because I don’t but he just likes it to be a certain way

I reckon from one who lives in a structured chaotic way here, theres cleaning and obsession, seems to me the latter, and an only child and male.

I do know some like that they allways seem to have a "way we must do things" about them!.

vitadolce2015 · 08/12/2019 11:01

Wow. This is unbelievable. Marriage is meant to be an equal partnership, not one dictating chores to the other (who also happens to be singlehandedly caring for two children in his absence). He's treating you like his maid. Do you do it because the idea of "disobeying" him worries you? The sulking and silent treatment is really unhealthy as well... If my partner stopped talking to me for a few days I'd be in pieces (regardless of the reason). This honestly gives me a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach.

QueenoftheBiscuitTin · 08/12/2019 11:05

I'd tell him where he can shove his list. If he wants something done in his own controlling way, he can bloody do it himself. Let him sulk all he likes.

JinglingHellsBells · 08/12/2019 11:05

You need to end your marriage.

Have you always allowed him to dictate how you behave and jump when he asks?

Do you do this for anyone else or just him?

Where is your self respect that you allow him to treat you like this- like a slave?

Are you from a culture where women are traditionally subservient to men?

If not, you seriously need counselling and to either try to repair this relationship so it's not dysfunctional, or leave him.

This is NOT a normal marriage and the fact you have had to ask shows you have very skewed boundaries of what normal is.

Sorry.

Lex234 · 08/12/2019 11:05

Send him a message telling him how you feel "for the past 3 years, you have been sending me "to do" lists for when you come home. I don't think you realise how busy life is when you are not around or how shit these lists make me feel. I keep the house clean, do the washing, ironing, cooking, raise our child, manage the house and hold down a job. Your issuing orders to me before you return makes me feel like I am failing in your eyes to uphold your exacting standards. I am not doing it anymore. If you want those specific jobs doing either do them yourself when you return or hire in help. I deserve to be valued and appreciated for everything I do, not issued with a to do list by my supposed equal partner."
And you will find out everything you meed to know from his answer. He should be mortified he has made you feel this way.

AlexaAmbidextra · 08/12/2019 11:07

is he an only child, by chance?

MissMoiselle. This isn’t the behaviour of an only child thanks very much. It’s the behaviour of a fucking controlling wanker.

Topazance · 08/12/2019 11:08

Nothing to do with him being an only child. He's a control freak. Do you tell him how do his job? He's undermining you.

EKGEMS · 08/12/2019 11:12

Send back a list of shit hot divorce lawyers or ask: Burial or cremation?

recklessruby · 08/12/2019 11:14

OP I used to be a cleaner. That is a list like a boss would email me. Including the little circles to tick off! Maybe he should get a cleaner and send it to them not his wife who is not his employee.
By the way the landing bit is fine. All he wants you to do is go and "hover" there a bit.
Don't do it. 2 dc are hard enough work without a list like that.

Original poster
User40465 · 08/12/2019 11:15

I don’t know what I’m going to do to be honest.. not in a great place mentally or emotionally so I just don’t know. There’s nobody I can talk to either.

OP posts:
SlatternIsTrying · 08/12/2019 11:16

I am shocked. Truly shocked. And that doesn’t happen very often.

By way of contrast, my DH worked away for a month recently. Despite having a cleaner, the place was a tip when he got home, all my energy was used up keeping everything going and the state if the house was way down the list of priorities. When DH got home, he mucked in, tidied away and acknowledged how difficult it was for me doing everything when he was away.

Please, please reconsider your relationship.