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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed at husband regarding cleaning

493 replies

User40465 · 08/12/2019 09:05

My husband works away 4-6 weeks at a time and around a week before he comes home he sends me lists of everything in the house he wants cleaned. He basically wants the house to look like a show house.

Just to point out i am clean but just not as squeaky OCD clean as he is. I work and have 2 children under 5 so think it’s abit unfair for him to expect it when he could help me when he comes home?

Aibu?

OP posts:
steakandmantoo · 08/12/2019 09:41

My husband did this for a few months, however I come from a childhood where my dad cleaned, my mother didn't, when they got divorced, my mother turned the house into a pigstye and didn't teach me how to clean, and it showed when me and my husband started living together. I just couldn't clean/know how to do anything. He would teach me to clean and leave list like the note you just posted.

I'm now a domestic goddess  and don't need reminding or telling I love to clean.

Is there any chance that he's subtly reminding you because otherwise the house wouldn't be clean?

Or ignore me, and if the house is reasonably clean when he comes back, then he's a massive control freak. But thought I'd give you another perspective.

steakandmantoo · 08/12/2019 09:42

What I mean is, have you asked him, why he feels the need to remind you or demand you?

Daisy7654 · 08/12/2019 09:43

I think you should leave him asap and possibly contact the police. In my opinion this is abuse.

ferrier · 08/12/2019 09:43

Blimey OP. That must be the first time in all my years on MN that I've let out a yelp of disbelief when I opened your attachment ShockShockShock

Minky35 · 08/12/2019 09:43

I’d text back, I can’t do this I’m too busy. See you soon!
Why does he get to instruct you to do this?

Josephinebettany · 08/12/2019 09:44

Sorry that YABU was me. I clicked it without thinking cos I meant yabu for ever participating in this!
You will need to speak very seriously about this. Prepare in advance what you are going to say. He needs to understand how very wrong (and weird) this is.

Rezie · 08/12/2019 09:46

WtF? Your husband is a controlling team what happens if it's not done? Can you just text him saying that you assume that is a to do list for him when he get a back. I'm really worried about you and how it can escalate.

Original poster
User40465 · 08/12/2019 09:46

He doesn’t have military background but he is an only child.

He is tidy, when he is at home he cleans a lot, not because I don’t but he just likes it to be a certain way.

If I said no he would probably just sulk and not speak to me for a few days

We would maybe have enough money for a cleaner but we did have one a couple of years ago to come in and help a little bit but I don’t like someone else cleaning my house for some reason, id rather just do it myself Sad

OP posts:
Angie6868 · 08/12/2019 09:46

I honestly hope this is a joke. If it's true, you need to make him realise it's not acceptable. You're not a child.

Seriously, what would happen if you didn't do it and just said that you didn't have time and that he shouldn't be telling you what to do anyway?

Fortheloveofscience · 08/12/2019 09:47

I normally read all the OP’s posts before voting in case of a massive drip feed but there was literally nothing you could say after your first post that would make this ok.

What would happen if you just said no to doing it, and refused to help him the day after he got back?

Sistercharlie · 08/12/2019 09:48

I couldn't believe my eyes reading this Shock Angry

If you are in any doubt at all op, no this is definitely not normal. Sad

If the man has any redeeming features at all - which I doubt - agree with pp's strategy. Pack a bag for yourself ready for his return. Hand him a list of child related chores as he walks in the door and leave him to it for at least a fortnight. Use the time away to consider whether you want to be still married to this entitled arsewipe of a man.

And just in case you don't know, a decent and kind man would be coming home and getting stuck in with all household and childcare tasks and giving you a few days off of his own volition.

Angie6868 · 08/12/2019 09:48

I have just read your update. I wouldn't do it and just let him sulk. It will be uncomfortable for a few days, but he needs to realise that he just can't treat you like this.

Original poster
User40465 · 08/12/2019 09:48

No the house is reasonably clean so no reason for him remind me incase the house would be a tip, the house is never unclean.. maybe abit messy but we have 2 young kids

He says he just likes knowing it’s clean so he has nothing to do when he comes home

OP posts:
dementedpixie · 08/12/2019 09:50

Do you not do most of the things on the list anyway? Just tick them all off whether you did them or not

dementedpixie · 08/12/2019 09:51

Surely bits need doing in the weeks he is home anyway. Is he going to inspect the filters to see if they are clean enough?

Loopytiles · 08/12/2019 09:52

Sulking and silent treatment is emotional abuse.

Loopytiles · 08/12/2019 09:52

What does he do to ensure that YOU have nothing to do?

Seriously, seek help for yourself.

NormaLouiseBates · 08/12/2019 09:53

What the actual fuck am I reading here?

OP, please, PLEASE read the replies you're getting here and tell this man to fuck off, that you are his wife, his equal, his partner FFS, not the fucking housekeeper.

Oh and who the fucking FUCK are the 2% who have said the OP is being unreasonable?

I don't think I've ever used so many 'fucks' in one post but I am just stunned at this.

Ash39 · 08/12/2019 09:54

Op what's your husband like the rest of the time? Does he help with the kids when he's home? Does he give you a break or encourage you to have time to yourself? Does he cook?
Does he take over the housework when he's home? Are you afraid of his reactions? Has he got OCD in any way?
It's difficult to say if he's been totally unreasonable ( although he probably is) without knowing a little more background.

Justaboy · 08/12/2019 09:55

Well feck me!, where ever did you find this prize one?, at some sort of Robot convention as I reckon he thinks you are one !!

CallmeAngelina · 08/12/2019 09:55

He says he just likes knowing it’s clean so he has nothing to do when he comes home
Oh, isn't that nice for him!

Where does he live when he's away? In a hotel with room service?
You are home alone, holding the fort and running the house being a single parent for 4-6 weeks at a time whilst he only has to think about himself and he has the GALL to send you a list like that? Angry
Sounds to me as if he's just adding a whole massive layer on to your already stressful existence. Would it not be better if he didn't come home at all?

Quartz2208 · 08/12/2019 09:55

He has no understanding does he of your life when he is away if he thinks that you have the time to do this to save him from having nothing to do when he gets home

I would make it very clear that your life when he is away does not give you the time or space to do this and you keep the house clean to your standards

If this bothers him he needs to deal with it. And if he is going to sulk about it that may become something you need to deal with

GabriellaMontez · 08/12/2019 09:56

Who the fuck does he think he is? Let him sulk. Totally ignore him.
What does he do when he's at home for 2 weeks?

SweetPetrichor · 08/12/2019 09:56

To play devil's advocate here...he works away for considerable lengths of time, is it so hard to have the place nice and welcoming how he likes it when he comes home? The list isn't difficult tasks, it's just basically having the place clean and pleasant.

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 08/12/2019 09:57

He likes knowing its clean so he has nothing to do when he comes home? So you need to run yourself ragged on top of looking after two kids 24 7 so that he can have a complete break? Wow.

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