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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed at husband regarding cleaning

493 replies

User40465 · 08/12/2019 09:05

My husband works away 4-6 weeks at a time and around a week before he comes home he sends me lists of everything in the house he wants cleaned. He basically wants the house to look like a show house.

Just to point out i am clean but just not as squeaky OCD clean as he is. I work and have 2 children under 5 so think it’s abit unfair for him to expect it when he could help me when he comes home?

Aibu?

OP posts:
IamtheDevilsAvocado · 10/12/2019 12:24

He's abusive....bully... Perhaps a narcissist too
As someone said... He's straight out of the abusers play book.....

Seriously... Who put him in charge?? Of you, of how and when things are done / of being able to dictate to you /to be all powerful and not speak to you if he displeases you... Fuck that..

Why does he belive it's OK to treat you like this?

I just coukdbt have a relationship where someone treated me so badly. Please please get out.. He won't change... A pal of mine was treated like this in year 1 of her relationship. He promised he would change... He didn't.. Or he would for a couple of weeks.....she eventually left 14 years later.... Her mental and physical health worn down by this man...

I think you need to have some focused psychology input to escaping men who think this is OK?

Did you grow up with men who treated women as slaves?
Are you surrounded by women who's partners treat them like this....

No one I know... (Apart for women who were in a refuge)

MarianaMoatedGrange · 10/12/2019 12:31

a couple times before if I tell him I’ve finished cleaning a room he would ask me to send a photo

Him not doing any of the Xmas stuff didn't surprise me, as this is normal for this type of controlling arsehole who mistakes his wife and mother of his children for a skivvy - but your update about the photo.....the blood drained from my face. Seriously. This man is unhinged.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 10/12/2019 12:34

Yes the request for a photo was jaw dropping....

user1480880826 · 10/12/2019 12:38

This can’t be genuine?! You’ve been doing this for three years?!

I can’t believe you didn’t tell him to fuck off the first time he did it. You work AND you raise two children single handed. It’s you that should be making demands of him. He must be living the life of luxury having months to himself every year.

Herocomplex · 10/12/2019 12:45

I’m just coming along to say he’s done you a huge favour - you already know you can manage beautifully without him.

I’m not normally a LTB’er but seriously I’d see a solicitor if I were you. And do some homework on coercive control.

Good luck for the future, it’s got to be brighter than your present.

Also, WHO, IN THE NAME OF FUCK, DOES HE THINK HE IS!!?!?

addictedtotheflats · 10/12/2019 12:46

This has got to be some sort of wind up!!! Posts like this make me realise my DP isnt actually that annoying. Tell him to fuck off and change the washing machine filter himself!! What an odd thing to do

CoalTit · 10/12/2019 12:55

OP, stop cleaning. Start clicking on the links that previous posters have created for you. If you won't do it for yourself, consider that your children need you to be healthy and happy, not bullied, coerced and miserable.

MarianaMoatedGrange · 10/12/2019 13:00

consider that your children need you to be healthy and happy, not bullied, coerced and miserable.

And utterly worn out and old before your time.

KatharinaRosalie · 10/12/2019 13:15

He shoudl be immensley grateful you have been solo parenting for weeks and weeks at the time, while he has been relaxing in the evenings, doing only what he himself wanted.
The lists and photos are so. so far removed from what most people would consider normal and acceptable. And the passive-agressive 'fine, I won't even talk to you then!!' reaction shows you clearly that he still thinks he's right.

Call Women's Aid. It does not mean you have to also immediately make plans to leave, but it might be helpful to talk to someone.

TheHootiestOwl · 10/12/2019 13:16

He asks you to send a photo?? Can you see how fucked up that is?

Marmablade · 10/12/2019 13:25

Oh OP! You're so used to his controlling behaviour you're doing the cleaning because his silent treatment/guilt trip has persuaded you to.

Call Women's Aid. You don't have to do anything just talk to them.

Gemma2019 · 10/12/2019 13:37

Abusive arsehole can't even spell "hoovered"

constantreader · 10/12/2019 13:46

Thanks @messolini9 and @RhinoskinhaveI !

Someone else pointed out something very relevant - you living alone with your DC for much of the time is actually a very big deal. You are showing yourself how independent you are - you can work full time, raise 2 children and keep a household running? Hats off to you! And this will stand you in such a strong position if you do decide to leave. You don't need him.

And yes, who the hell put him in charge? You are NOT his staff. You are being abused and controlled and you truly do not have to live this way. Do you actually love him? Do you even LIKE him any more?

As aside - to the posters who I know are well-meaning and telling you to just stop, tell him to fuck off etc - it's just not that simple. I tried everything over the years to make him change his behaviour and it doesn't work like that. It's so difficult to explain this to people who are in a normal, equal and loving relationship. His behaviour won't change just because he's meant to love you. This isn't about love, it's about control, and by the time you realise what's happening it is much, much harder to get away from it, especially when you have children. It comes to be easier to just do what they expect/demand instead of standing up to them. I hated my life spent arguing. I hated the lectures I would get about how I just wasn't doing well enough. I could spend the rest of my life regretting the time I was with him but I have 100% custody of my fab kids and I've removed his toxic presence from their lives to a large extent. We're all happy. I'm probably too laid back now, but I'd rather be like that than living under his shadow.

MzHz · 10/12/2019 13:52

I can only agree with the comments above, we’re unanimous and horrified.

Please please know that the peaceful feeling you feel when he’s not there is how you can live your entire life if he’s not your husband anymore.

You and the kids will blossom

Don’t allow him to do this to you.

Oliversmumsarmy · 10/12/2019 14:08

Yes he is working but the difference is his work is for a finite number of hours.

You are working, looking after children and doing all the life admin whilst he isn’t around.

You are working, looking after and doing all the life admin when he is around.

Apart from divvying up a few quid each month and acting like your personal manager. What positive things does he bring to the family table that make him so great you wouldn’t be able to live without him or you can’t pay someone else to do.

He is probably filling your time so you don’t have time to go out with anyone else

If he does stop filling your time, pound to a penny he will start accusing you of sleeping around or having a bf.

Thedeadwood · 10/12/2019 14:39

I can only echo what others have said. Please do read that "why does he do that" PDF.

MsTSwift · 10/12/2019 14:53

My dh has never once mentioned cleaning not once and pitches in when he can and is here. When I started working after dd2 started school he booked a cleaning team to come every Friday.

MsTSwift · 10/12/2019 14:54

I can only imagine the 2% yabu clicked in error

puds11 · 10/12/2019 15:01

So he cannot deal with criticism then.

ratsnest · 10/12/2019 15:03

Thanks for you OP.

A few people have rightly suggested having a chat with Women's Aid - they can help you in many ways, it's not just for those who need to flee to a refuge so please have a look at their website or call them to discuss your options:

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/about-us/contact<a class="break-all" href="http://go.mumsnet.com/?xs=1&id=470X1554755&url=www.womensaid.org.uk/about-us/contact/" target="_blank">/
0808 2000 247

Zaphodsotherhead · 10/12/2019 15:04

I agree with constantreader - when you are deep in a relationship like this, 'just tell him' doesn't work. You've become so deeply entrenched that you literally cannot stand up for yourself. You know that any attempt to speak up will result in an emotional battering down that you just can't take.

These men know exactly what they are doing and they are usually well practiced at it.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 10/12/2019 15:08

he just likes knowing it’s clean so he has nothing to do when he comes home

Yes, because he expects you to do all the fucking work! What a cheek.

Stop putting up with this crap. Life is too short.

KatharinaRosalie · 10/12/2019 15:25

I would also love to have nothing to do when I go home. This does not mean I'm sending detailled orders to my DH and demand reports, with photos.

billy1966 · 10/12/2019 15:27

He's a lazy tyrant. He's the time to send you lists 'cos he's fxxx all to do in the evening, unlike you OP.

Anyone who has had to look after children on their own, with an away spouse etc., knows how challenging it can be at times.

To be sent a list of jobs to do, would have completely sent me into an absolute rage of indignation.

What an awful excuse of a man.

He sounds so deeply unpleasant in his reaction to your response.

I mean this kindly OP, but there is absolutely NO WAY he loves you, or really cares about you, and behaves in that way.

Absolutely NO WAY.

You are a single parent, doing it all, supremely successfully, with a visiting tyrant every 4-6 weeks.

He needs to be well and truly ousted.

💐💐

Comtesse · 10/12/2019 15:32

I gasped out loud when I saw the update about having to send him a photo of the cleaning. OP he has done such a number on you Flowers

@constantreader is it ok to ask what was it that changed to allow you to call the shots and start the separation?