To be annoyed at husband regarding cleaning

[User40465]

My husband works away 4-6 weeks at a time and around a week before he comes home he sends me lists of everything in the house he wants cleaned. He basically wants the house to look like a show house.

Just to point out i am clean but just not as squeaky OCD clean as he is. I work and have 2 children under 5 so think it’s abit unfair for him to expect it when he could help me when he comes home?

Aibu?

OP I second the pp saying it's not as easy as "just tell him to fuck off" or "just leave". And please please don't be down on yourself or embarrassed for being in this situation. It happens so gradually it's hard to pinpoint. The last thing you need is to feel bad about YOURSELF. You sound absolutely lovely and are doing a staggering job holding down the fort at home AND working etc etc etc. You're amazing and this is a positive step to making yourself happier

I can only imagine the 2% yabu clicked in error

No there was an idiot upthread who couldn't see a problem with it and thought it was nice to make an effort for when he got home.

@User40465 I think you've had a lot to take in with this thread, I hope you're ok as you're getting your head around it all.

I know that you haven't made any decisions one way or another yet, and as good meaning as MN people are its going to take a while for you to decide what to do, don't rush.

In the meantime though, while you do have the house to yourself, there is no harm in getting together a few bits of information together, financials etc just in case. He doesn't need to know, and if you chose to carry on as before, hopefully being better treated, it can just stay hidden.

I do wish you the very best.

Oh OP. This isn’t right at all. Are you naturally a people pleaser? I hate conflict so tend to bend easily but he’s using techniques to get you to capitate to his will. He is always right and he will do anything to keep you in your place. This isn’t an equal relationship and isn’t anyway to live. Have you got anyone close you can talk to?

@Comtesse - I started realising that I was so content and happy when he was far away and dreaded him coming home. I NEVER looked forward to seeing him. I'd try to steel myself and put on a happy face when he walked through the door but within minutes I'd be miserable again. He sucked the joy out of anything and everything. He was self-centred and self-obsessed, a true narcissist. I couldn't stay like this and couldn't face the thought of spending the rest of my life like that.

He knew I wanted to separate but literally refused to leave. So I got the kids and ran away to a friend's house. It's a long story which ended with him attacking me - police were called and bail conditions meant he couldn't come near me which was my saviour. It was hideous for a while but it all calmed down eventually and we're four years down the line now. Divorce will be finalised soon. Haven't spoken to him since and my life is indescribably better. I have incredible friends who have been a huge support. Women's Aid were wonderful, as were the children's schools.

There is support out there OP. You don't have to live like that.

Tell him not to bother coming home.

Good point upthread about the photo: asking for proof of your cleaning is not about his standards for a clean house or him being OCD. This is about him controlling you, keeping you busy and under his surveillance so you won’t get a minute to lift your head up, look around and think, ‘what the hell am I doing taking orders from this asshole?’

What he’s asking you to do is irrelevant. It could be the gardening or the way you are dressed or making you submit a detailed budget for expenditures. He just wants to keep you under his control, that’s all there is to it. And that’s why you need to contact Women’s Aid and get yourself some help, as soon as it is safe to do so and you feel ready.

@constantreader thank you so much for sharing.. I can relate to a lot of what you have said!

He’s home at the end of this week and I’m dreading it everyone keeps asking me if I’m happy he’s home for Christmas and I just have to try and change the conversation or tell them “yes the kids are happy”

I'd sent him a photo of my middle finger with a computer page showing divorce solicitor phone numbers behind it. What a fucking wanker you've married.

@User40465 nice to 'see' you & you hang on on there.

The first step of realisation, then getting confirmation from others, can be a bit of a rollercoaster. It's good to be validated, BUT ... it means it's true, all those thoughts & feelings we have been supressing - & that can be scary.

Please keep posting, & keeping MN as your outlet to vent, gain support, advice, & I hope have a few much-needed laughs too.
There are so many "of us" out here, & once you the situation is managed, it is SO easy & clear to recognise the pattern of abusive control.
Very, very hard to unpick it all when still living in it though.

I hope you soon feel able to take such steps as you feel best suit you, in contacting professionals or agencies to help you get what you need - or leave what you don't need. I won't bang on with advice or contact links now, because you've had plenty of that, so this is just to say well done again for starting to recognise & assess your marriage for what it truly is.

PM offer stands if you wish to take it up. No pressure, no scolding, just ... a lot of recognition of your circumstances. Look after yourself :)

Op my heart absolutely goes out to you. I hope you’re ok and really take the things PP have said.

Is this the life you want to live? Can you see yourself living like this for the next 50 years?

OP. There is a support network you here. I know we're strangers, but I'm sure I echo many other pps in saying I have been thinking of you a lot over the last few days and I'm so glad you posted. We're here for you OP. Keep messaging when you can.

There has been so much brilliant support here and some really powerful and thoughtful posts.

@User40465 I hope that you can keep posting here for support and use us as an outlet and somewhere to check in and sanity check.

How long is your H due to be home?

OP, that dread is telling you a lot.
Can you plan to visit family or friends, to get away from being with him so much.

How long will he be home for?
Please contact Women's Aid for advice on how to manage his visit.

Please try and get Real life support.

I really feel for you.

Well personally I would be telling him he can take the list and ram it up his arsehole but that may be difficult now that you've got into a pattern of doing it.

Why on earth did you even do it the first time he sent it?

You're basically married to a mysogynistic armchair dictator

that dread must be awful, you can end this marriage please get some RL support.

What he’s doing now is gaslighting you.

Op have you read about coercive control and the different types of emotional abuse?

Holy shit, he sounds awful.

OP, I cannot emphasise more your need to do the Freedom Programme. You can do it online for a tenner. Please do it.

Whilst he totally deserves that middle finger photo I would suggest that you do not tip him off, make your plans silently in the background and don't give him any opportunity to thwart them

I would suggest that you do not tip him off, make your plans silently in the background and don't give him any opportunity to thwart them.
Very sound advice. Worth repeating in bold.

Thank you😊 with people like this the time to teach them a lesson is when you have retreated to a safe distance not when you are still living with them and are subjected to them

☑️Fuck off

Just a little list for him. Glad you've appreciated that this is not normal or healthy.

Don't be micro managed like that. It isn't normal. His first thought should be "yippee I haven't been home for weeks and I miss my family and can't wait to see them" Not "well she better have hoovered under the beds" This is so ridiculous surely it can't be true?

Apologies for suggesting it isn't true. What would happen if he were at home all the time? I hope you have support.