It's not that hard to feed a baby

[ohfucksake]

Every household will have their own way of doing things and will determine what is acceptable for them.

There is no flat out right and wrong with the division of responsibilities as everyone has different circumstance.

I don't understand how people get themselves in these situations, surely the discussion of expectations (especially the basics like this) is had before the child is conceived or during the pregnancy.

But op you are obviously furious with his behaviour and expect better? I would have no idea how to make a bottle up or use a prep machine, but he should educate himself on how to do this. I think both your expectations need aligning before baby gets much older.

I cant believe people are actually inferring that the husband would soak his child on purpose to avoid helping out in the future.

their priorities aren't the same as ours (not saying that's wrong) just stating facts

This is absolutely not a fact. My husbands priorities are exactly the same as mine...... as are the vast majority of men i know. Those that have different priorities are often the ones that choose to opt out of parenting responsibilities.

He's a piece of shit. YANBU

This reminds me of a friend who said that her DH’s reason for not changing nappies was because his hands are too big - they are the same height and he does not have extraordinarily big hands

Just because my husband has different priorities doesn't mean he's opting out of parenting. I suppose I've used the wrong word in 'priorities'
We are two different people who have different opinions on things, yin and yang and all that business and I'm glad we are like that because he knows how to defuse my anxiety etc, if we were the same we wouldn't get very far
Each to their own and at the end of the day as long as the kids are safe and healthy isn't that all the matters

What a useless bastard, to put it bluntly. He's not even trying.

OP I'd honestly just patronise the hell out of him. Literally watch him make a bottle, be really over the top when showing him how to do it, etc. He needs to grow up. Anyone with an ounce of common sense knows when something isn't screwed on right. He'd hardly take a swig of Fanta and leave the lid screwed on wrong so it leaks all over him, so why do it to a baby .

Sheer laziness.

I cant believe people are actually inferring that the husband would soak his child on purpose to avoid helping out in the future.

How could you possibly not know that the child was soaked if you were parenting properly?

Also what are all these comments asking if he knows how to do a bottle? It says it on the side of the formula. Also it's not difficult to find out stuff these days. I didn't know shit about babies before I got pregnant so I just did a lot of research. Anyone can do that

Also, @speakout & @lavalamp08, your partners sound absolutely useless and pathetic, tbh.

Stop excusing men being shit because insert stupid excuse. If you're a decent dad, you get up in the night. You do feeds consistently and properly (expressed/FF obviously). You change nappies throughout the day. You get on the floor and do tummy time play. You take your child out on your own to give your partner who's on maternity leave a break. You can dress your baby. Bath the baby. Prepare meals for baby when weaning. Wash bottles properly. Use the steriliser. Cuddle baby. Sing to baby. Read stories to baby. The list goes on...

I'd be absolutely embarrassed if I'd had DD with a partner who was utter shite because 'he's a man they don't think the same'. Any man who is happy to leave their baby wet, hungry and potentially sick from a dodgy bottle is no man I'd want. Similarly, any man that wouldn't cuddle his own baby... vomit.

But we're talking about parenting a child - surely that is the priority for all parents ( or it at least should be)
yes we all play to our strengths and have different personalities but opting out of providing basic care for your child because of your sex is a complete cop out and accepting this is a result of socialisation and unconscious bias.

@PepePig when did i say my husband did nothing??

@CosmoK

Exactly. Parenting isn't about preferences. Everything is an absolute need. Babies need to be fed, kept clean, dry, warm, feel loved and be mentally stimulated with games, etc. They can't do it themselves. It's a reach to call their behaviour abusive, but if their failings continued over a long period of time, it would be neglect. Some people really need a reality check.

PepePig

Bu that depends on your parenting style.

I breastfed my babies, never expressed, never used bottles- what's the point in my OH getting up in the middle of the night?
No bottles to steriise, no formua to prepare- and weaning required no special food.
I did BLW- so straight onto family food- no special baby stuff to make.

I guess by the time you've had a child with one of these misogynistic dinosaurs, you've got two choices really:

• realise that he is a misogynistic dinosaur, and take action (or not) accordingly

• justify it by believing that its just a 'man thing', that is got nothing to do with how he feels about you, or your child, but it's that they are wired differently and set expectations accordingly.

I can totally see why number two is much more palatable to some women. It's really hard realising your partner doesn't love and respect you as an equal. Because not engaging properly with a child because its boring does show a huge lack of respect for the partner who does not get that choice.

Ffs
I wish I'd never bothered saying anything. I actually felt sorry for OP husband seeing as though he's been called useless idiot, f*ckin idiot, prick and lazy arse, which I'm sure he'd highly appreciate on this be all and end all forum
I've stated my husband doesn't have the same opinion as me (god help me - should I leave him as the majority of these threads end up stating) and ended up being accused of having a pathetic useless husband - which he is far from it, good on you fellow Mumsnetters! Enjoy your afternoon

What an idiot. Does he not realise he could make his own child really sick by not properly making up the bottles or is it a case of him just not giving a shit? I'd print off and laminate instructions and stick them everywhere in house. Make him feel like the incompetent fucking twat that he is. Plus there will be no excuses for him to not care for your child properly and safely when the 'how to' instructions will be everywhere in his face!

cant believe people are actually inferring that the husband would soak his child on purpose to avoid helping out in the future.

I categorically do know that someone would be this abusive, a family member of my husband basically admitted it while tipsey! Maybe said more than he intended but the piece of shit actually said that it doesn't matter about changing the nappies while wife's off because the nappy rash is a good incentive for her not making too many trips out. It's disgrace - this man would seriously not prevent sore bits on his own child so that his wife doesn't start thinking she can get a monthly trip out e.g. to the hairdresser?;?!! It's completely neglectful and then to admit that logic to your in law's? I called him on it and apparently I was the arsehole for telling him his behaviour was awful

But lava...we aren't talking about an opinion here. You stated men and women have different priorities when it comes to childcare and think differently. You can't post incorrect, sweeping generalisations like that and not expect kick back. There's no need to flounce

The OPs husband did come across as pathetic and lazy. In now way was his behvaiour acceptable. it had nothing to with his sex just him opting out of parenting effectively.

@lavalamp08

He is a useless prick, though. If he actually did things properly there wouldn't be a thread. You insinuated that men were all rubbish because "they don't think the same" and actually defended a man giving a child a dodgy bottle out of laziness... because he's a man so obviously doesn't know how to do childcare.

It's time to get real. The whole point of being a parent is making sure your child thrives and has everything they need. Both parents. Men are just as capable at following a routine as women. Just as capable at asking for help. Just as capable at googling how to do something. How else do you think these men do in work? You're just giving them an out based on them having a knob, which is laughable. And let's be real- using a perfect prep machine is hardly difficult. It's not brain surgery.

@speakout

That's fine, but surely it's then even more important that the man does other things. Bedtime routine, cuddles, bath, reading, playing, etc. They should definitely be able to hold the fort for a day on their own. I think this whole mentality of two people having a baby then it just being the woman that does stuff with the kid pathetic. It's just very poor parenting.

@PepePig

They should definitely be able to hold the fort for a day on their own.

Well no actually.
He couldn't breastfeed.

@speakout

Unless you breastfed until the child was 10, I'm sure there was a point when you had a baby/toddler who was no longer BF and they could look after them without you there and they were still small. Like, when you returned to work, for example.

PepePig I thought we wer talking about babies?
My OH was very ands on with our toddlers, would happily look after them for a whole day.
A toddler is not a baby.
I never did get back to work though!

I don't think my then husband made up one bottle for the entire time ds was bottle fed. We were able to make up multiple feeds then & put them in the fridge. I put one load of clean bottles in the steriliser before we went to bed & then next morning made up all the bottles, put them in the fridge before washing all the bottles used during the night & putting them on to sterilise ready to make up more bottles in the evening.

I don't think it actually matters who does what- as long as work is shared fairly.
There are lots of things I never do in the house.
I never clean out the fridge, I don't clean toilets, I don't take out rubbish, I rarely shop. I don't clean the kitchen. I don't clean out litter trays.

There are lots of things my OH doesn't do- he never hoovers, he does no laundry or dusting he doesn't take the cats to the vet.

We share all burdens- but that doesn't mean every job needs to divided equally.
So what if one person is making up all the bottles?