It's not that hard to feed a baby

[ohfucksake]

I wouldn't have a clue about bottles either.
My OH didn't get involved at the baby stage very much. The odd cuddle , but never fed or changed them.

That's a real shame speakout.
Have you every challenged that behaviour.

CosmoK

It worked for us.

How old is your baby? This is potentially very dangerous. Does he realise his incompetence could be harming his child?

Okay speakout I 100% would not have tolerated that type of shitty behaviour and avoidance of parental duties but each to their own .

The difference here is the op doesn't want to do it alone and expects (quite rightly) the child's father to be a decent parent.

CosmoK

I don't see it as "shitty" behaviour.

Not feeding or changing you own child is unacceptable. You might have been happy to put up with it but it doesn't mean it's not shitty behaviour

Not feeding or changing you own child is unacceptable.

To whom?

He couldn't feed as I was breastfeeding.
He did all the cooking, most of the housework, all the shopping and worke to put a roof over our heads.

I fail to see how that is bad behaviour.

What about actually interacting with the child? An occasional cuddle as you described it is pretty poor. Most people manage to do all you describe and be a hands on parent.

I don't think it was "pretty poor". OH found it easier to engage when they became a little older.
I don't see anything sad about it at all.

Each to their own I guess. And I suppose we all have different expectations. It would make sad and potentially quite angry. I would have lost a great deal of respect for my DH if he'd have behaved like this. I don't think our relationship would have survived.

Yes each to their own. My Oh felt quite awkward around babies, and they were very attached to me as a SAHM anyway- so plenty love and attention.
Relationships developed with OH as they grew, and they formed close bonds. They still have close bonds with him- even though they are now young adults.
Worked perfectly well for us.

speakout

I'd have started divorce proceedings within the month if my husband was like that with our babies.

@speakout I know a lot of men like this my dp and father included. My dad doesnt like picking them up until about 6 months an if he holds the baby you have to pass him the baby when sat down and take baby off before he stands up. He gets VERY nervous around baby's and a lot of men are incase they hurt them etc my dads amazing he truly is and he has 5 kids and 15 grandchildren aswel but the baby stage- it's never got easier for him

If it works for you it works. Same as my situation wouldn't work for many others. I do find a lot of men bond more the older the children get as they find it easier to do things with them as it's more manageable and they won't break"" as they say.

Xx

Sweetpeach3

Exactly. My Oh is very "old fashioned", has almost no experience of family life himself growing up has ASD, he found tiny babies hard to fathom.

As the children grew and stated to play and run about, he was very hands on, taking them places with or without me, happy to spend hours with them and loved to be a really involved father. That continued as they grew, and he still has a great relationship with them.
But in the early days he found babies very "fragile".
He best supported his children by supporting me, he would cook when he got home from work, do all the laundry, clean the kitchen every night before going to bed, do all the shopping.
Thayt meant I had very little to do when our babies were tiny, except feed and change them.
All this talk of "shitty behaviour" and " divorce" is nonsense.
I hardly lifted a finger on the domestic front when my babies were small. OH took care of that.

As you say Sweetpeach3 - if it works for you it works.

Absolutely. OH and I felt it was fair, babies were loved and cared for, I can't see the problem.

Nothing to add here other than whatever balance works, for each of us... it's clearly not working for the op

Not to mention how really, really dangerous his mismanagement of formula is.

Babies have died from incorrectly prepared/handled formula (Google what happened in France about 3, maybe 4? Years ago). Bacteria found in the formula needs to be killed by 70 deg or above water and it needs to be thrown out when it gets old (formula tub or WHO advice etc).

Honestly I couldn't rest easy knowing that my husband was putting DC at such risk. Aside from the shitty behaviour around wet clothes etc!

Funny how women never find babies more interesting as they get older, or worry about accidentally hurting them when they're little. Or maybe they do sometimes feel that but get on with caring for their infant anyway because it's the absolute bare minimum requirement to be a reasonable parent? I cannot begin to fathom a mindset of 'my OH just didn't bother with our children for years on end, but he's a great dad!'. I honestly don't know what men have to do to not be 'great dads' in the eyes of people with expectations that low.

Also, I'm sorry to point out the brutal truth here, but a man who considers you to be some sort of domestic drudge who does all the work that's beneath him, and who doesn't bother because with his children unless he finds them entertaining, doesn't actually love any of you.

Throwing a curve ball in here, has he actually been shown proper how to prepare a bottle??
I've not read all the thread cos I can't do with all the 'what a tool, leave him' shite, you've said his ex wife breastfed so to me it sounds like he doesn't know what to do, and probably is too worried to ask you due to a potential shit storm that he will face due to the over tiredness that we've all been through.
Last point - he's a man! He doesn't think lie we do, none of them do, I think you need to start working as a team rather than balling him out

Funny how women never find babies more interesting as they get older, or worry about accidentally hurting them when they're little. Or maybe they do sometimes feel that but get on with caring for their infant anyway because it's the absolute bare minimum requirement to be a reasonable parent? I cannot begin to fathom a mindset of 'my OH just didn't bother with our children for years on end, but he's a great dad!'. I honestly don't know what men have to do to not be 'great dads' in the eyes of people with expectations that low

100% this!!

he's a man! He doesn't think lie we do, none of them do

i've just rolled my eyes so much at this they actually hurt. What a load of rubbish

Why is 'Men don't think the same as us' such an eye roller for you??

Because it's used as a way of excusing poor behaviour.....basically saying it's not their fault because they think differently.

I also am a bloke.
I also can make pastry from scratch.

AND
GUESS WHAT

I managed to figure out how to make bottles up when DS1 was tiny (2005/6)

AND AND

I managed to remember how to bloody do it when the DTSs came along in 2017.

It's not difficult, you just need to not be a twat.

I weren't excusing his behaviour by saying it's cos he thinks different but I stand by what I've said, I do think men think different to woman, their priorities aren't the same as ours (not saying that's wrong) just stating facts

No...a decent man will step up to be a father and think “what can I do for my child”

Not “if I fuck up my wife will take over”