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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It's not that hard to feed a baby

180 replies

ohfucksake · 08/12/2019 09:04

Hmm
OP posts:
thespellhasbeenbroken123 · 08/12/2019 10:39

Why did he split up with his ex?
I would bet my house on it having something to do with his shit parenting....

TheMustressMhor · 08/12/2019 10:40

Oh, OP. I am glad that you've put his cashmere jumper on at 90 degrees. It is interesting that he can make pastry from scratch but cannot make a baby's bottle up correctly.

Is he good to the baby otherwise? Because all this fucking about with the bottles is neglectful and puts the baby at risk.

I wouldn't just be angry - I would be very, very worried with regard to the safety of the baby.

harrypotterfan1604 · 08/12/2019 10:41

I hate all the people that come in threads and immediately say LTB but today I’m one of them! Pack his shit or take your baby and go far away from him.
He’s doing it on purpose so you don’t make him do it again and that’s a dick move! He’s a parent just as much as you are and for me he’d either have To step up or get out!

Monsterinmyshoe · 08/12/2019 10:43

Probably a bit of being useless and strategic incompetence (I'm keeping that phrase in my lexicon now!). He needs to understand that there's a reason why you make up bottles in a certain way and you can't just chuck it together. So yes, clueless with the bottle making, but strategically incompetent with not changing the baby (a "look how crap I am at this, please can you do it instead mummy?" suggestion).

He is only going to get better with practise. Treat him like an idiot and go through the whole process with him. Also, write it down for him, so next time he does it badly, you can really tell him he is just being plain lazy as you have demonstrated it to him.

If he wants a nanny, he pays from his own money.

TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup · 08/12/2019 10:43

Bloody hell, good enough would be getting up, feeding and changing his child. He's not anywhere near good enough. At this point an au pair or nanny would be so there is another adult who can safely ensure the baby's needs are met while he huffs about like the useless prick he is pretending to be.

I always go for the "don't make marriage altering decisions within the first 18 months of having a baby" rule of thumb but tbh I'd probably break that before he does something that seriously harms your child just so he doesn't have to get up in the night.

minipie · 08/12/2019 10:45

I wonder why he and his ex split up Hmm

What did he say when you told him how dangerous the old bottle was OP? Surely he was at least ashamed of that?

minipie · 08/12/2019 10:47

Au pairs and nannys don’t do nights. Or weekends.

Maternity nurses do but they are £££ £££££

FenellaMaxwell · 08/12/2019 10:49

What is the point of being with someone who doesn’t care enough about your child to look after them, or enough about you to pull his weight?

MrsBricks · 08/12/2019 10:50

This morning I asked him to get up with the baby at 0600 as I'd been up loads in the night. He's made a bottle. No fresh milk powder. Not a clean bottle. Just more water in a bottle that had some left in from the night.

This isn't a mistake, it's pure neglect! Is he trying to hurt the baby to make a point or get back at you?

Bluerussian · 08/12/2019 10:52

ohfucksake Sun 08-Dec-19 10:28:19
Prick. I've just told him not acceptable and he needs to step the fuck up. His response "well we will get a nanny or an au pair if I'm not good enough" que sulking face and a stroppy huff
...........
Excellent if he is prepared to pay for them!

Seriously, he has been a prat but there is no reason why he cannot learn to make up a bottle. Get him to do it in your presence. I presume he knows how to change a nappy.

Purpleartichoke · 08/12/2019 10:58

Giving diluted, old formula isn’t just sloppy, it’s dangerous. Freshly made but diluted formula is dangerous. He needs to understand that it’s not a parenting decision or your way of doing something. There are a million little decisions we make for our kids that could be made differently or things done differently and they would be just fine. Proper formula preparation is not one of them. The closest equivalent I can think of is mixing medication. It has to be done right every single time.

IfNot · 08/12/2019 11:09

Nah. Even my ex could follow instructions to make up a bottle when I left the baby with him, and he was actually incompetent in pretty much every other area.
He certainly couldn't make pasty from scratch...
This man gave the baby off milk on purpose. That's terrifying. Honestly I would take myself and my baby as far away from him as possible.

SleepingStandingUp · 08/12/2019 11:13

YANBU. Typical male behaviour I'm afraid. only if you're with a total dick. We came home with a child on tube and bottle feeds, plus o2. DH could do feeds and cares from before we left hospital. He does his share of mine, his and DS's washing. He'll do whatever he cane when the twins arrive (hoping to bf) because he has respect for me and respect for himself.

OP sounds like your IP needs to watch you make every bottle and help with every night feed until he can do it.

BertieBotts · 08/12/2019 11:14

Kevins you can't stay around in that crap situation for another 7 years! Honestly if he's that workshy he will probably make excuses never to have her alone for very long, so I wouldn't worry about that as a reason not to leave. Most blokes of that calibre seem to fuck off entirely as soon as they get the chance, and good riddance. (Despite vague threats to "go for 100% custody")

Cornettoninja · 08/12/2019 11:18

well we will get a nanny or an au pair if I'm not good enough" que sulking face and a stroppy huff

Aw poor baby, his feelings are hurt Sad

No, no, no. The correct response is ‘oh shit, I didn’t realise the consequences. I’ll be more on the ball from now on’.

Nothing you don’t know OP but I’m reinforcing that you are completely correct here. I bet he would be raging if paid for childcare had done the same.

PettyContractor · 08/12/2019 11:20

So I had to get up and change entirely and fed a whole another 5oz bottle. When I washed the bottles in the morning it was full of powder he said yes couldn't shake it properly as was leaking

So you took over to fix a mess his incompetence had caused, instead of letting him deal with the consequences.

Him not understanding that the bottle leaking is a sign he's done something wrong means he truly doesn't know what he's doing.

I don't agree with other posters that this is strategic incompetence, I think it is actual incompetence based in inexperience (and ignorance in the reusing bottle scenario.) You can either instruct him or not, but you need to leave him to do it, and deal with the consequences of doing it wrong, so he can learn.

It may be an easy task, but it's possible for anyone to be incompetent at an easy task if it's not something they've learned how to do.

BrokenWing · 08/12/2019 11:21

His response "well we will get a nanny or an au pair if I'm not good enough"

Omg that would not happen here, he would not be allowed to strop off. He would be told (as calmly as possible) of course he is good enough because it is piss easy but he is actively choosing not to learn how to care for his child adequately and safely and that is unacceptable, frankly pathetic, you thought more of him and needs sorted. If he doesn't know how to do it he mans up and ask for help until he gets it.

EKGEMS · 08/12/2019 11:23

Don't know how you're not referring to him in the past tense because I'd want to slap the shit out of him! Honestly what a stupid fucker

Onesnowballshort · 08/12/2019 11:25

Four months is a long time to wait before expecting him to make a single bottle. Does that mean he hasn't been in sole charge of his baby for more than an hour since the baby was born?
Give him one lesson in how to prepare the bottle and then he can do it for a couple of days till he can manage. I think he is being totally unreasonable but I also don't understand why in the first weeks you weren't side by side making up bottles together a few times so you both had the knowledge.

Limpshade · 08/12/2019 11:25

If he can make pastry from scratch, he can bloody well mix a bottle, can't he?

Let him sulk. It sounds like he has swallowed up enough of your energy already today.

WhatsNextMrsLandingham · 08/12/2019 11:31

Lampshade - I think the OP was being facetious at another poster who questioned why she was with him in the first place. I don't think he can make pastry.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 08/12/2019 11:32

Im willing to bet a degree of this is resentment at your choice to use bottles, eg him being a sod about doing this because he feels it is a job that never needed to exist.

Show him how to do it once and only once.

Thuglife · 08/12/2019 11:39

Agree with the comments already. Does he work? I presume at work he’s able to master & perform basic tasks Hmm.
Unfortunately there are men who use the old strategic incompetence to get out of tasks that they deem to be below them.
As a pp said, it doesn’t get any better.
My ex pulled stunts like this, I breastfed and he used that as an excuse to never move his lazy arse when she cried in the night.
You need to sort this out because as someone else said this will only get worse and eventually just leads to the most enormous resentment
It makes me so angry lazy fuckers.

IfNot · 08/12/2019 11:40

I think it is actual incompetence based in inexperience
No. The first few times I had to make up a bottle I was inexperienced. So I very carefully followed the instructions. Just like everyone else! Don't make excuses.

Pinkblueberry · 08/12/2019 11:40

YANBU. Typical male behaviour I'm afraid.

I feel hugely sorry for any woman who genuinely thinks this is typical or normal. There are a lot of very good men and fathers out there. I don’t know why some women think they need to settle for this type of incompetence as though there’s nothing better to be had Confused

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