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i don't like my in laws dropping in unannounced AIBU?

167 replies

ConnectFortyFour · 07/12/2019 21:01

my in laws have a habit of dropping in unannounced and I find it a bit intrusive. They live about half an hour away and are often 'passing'

They went through a phase of calling in advance which i found much better, but that seems to have stopped. This weekend they dropped in, no call. DH and I were trying to do something else but had to stop all of that in order to provide cups of tea and conversation.

i think we need to speak to them about it but i just want a reality check on what is seen as 'normal' these days.

AIBU to expect them to always call in advance?

OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?

769 votes. Final results.

You are being unreasonable
You are NOT being unreasonable
Sexnotgender · 07/12/2019 21:03


LolaSmiles · 07/12/2019 21:04

YANBU at all OP!

It doesn't take much to call and say "can we pop round" or "can we stop off and collect...".

Turning up unannounced, unless you're a family where that is the norm AND everyone is happy with it, is rude and shows lack of boundaries.

BendingSpoons · 07/12/2019 21:07

If they live half an hour away they could at least give you that much notice.

thistimelastweek · 07/12/2019 21:08

'dropping in ' is rarely ok. Best of you can agree an approach with your husband. Something along the lines of 'wish we knew you were coming cos we're just on our way out'. Two fruitless visits should fix it

Disfordarkchocolate · 07/12/2019 21:08

Even if they are passing they can call. Next time keep doing what you're doing, ask them to make you tea because you are busy.

OhioOhioOhio · 07/12/2019 21:09

If you can't tell them you need to be unavailable. That's bad enough when you really get on.
I had this with my stbxh family. I was the only one lumbered with them. Fk that.

soapboxqueen · 07/12/2019 21:09

It depends what's the done thing in your family.

Loads of my family drop in unannounced, most have keys. Though I don't entertain them. If they want tea they make it themselves. Same the other way around.

However, this isn't acceptable for everyone. If you don't like it and find it intrusive, then your dh must speak to them about it.

NomDeQwerty · 07/12/2019 21:09

Do your own parents drop in unannounced?

puds11 · 07/12/2019 21:10

Fuck. That. Dropping in is the rudest thing. I cannot stand it.

Elieza · 07/12/2019 21:10

DH should speak to them and remind them that you would appreciate motive that they intend visiting.
Could be that you need to continue what you are doing while talking to them “we really have to get this done sorry” so they take the hint.

puds11 · 07/12/2019 21:11

Answer the door in full bondage garb. Might put them off

billy1966 · 07/12/2019 21:16


That would annoy me because it's plain rude.
People are busy.
Deliberately not calling to check it is convenient is shorthand for "we don't care if it suits you or not, it suits us". It's about taking your choice away.

Screw that.
Wouldn't put up with it.
Spell it out that you would like for them to check with you if it is convenient.

If they refuse, then all bets are off.
Leave your husband to it.
Don't make tea.
Carry on with what you are doing.
Go out.
Don't answer the door.
I wouldn't out up with it.

UtuNorantiPralatongsThirdEye · 07/12/2019 21:17

Just don't answer the door if they turn up uninvited.

ConnectFortyFour · 07/12/2019 21:17

my own parents and siblings always call in advance.

to be honest, i think they are looking for a kind of close family relationships like soapbox describes where their son's house is an extension of their own. to be honest, if they made their own tea and made themselves useful i might go with that, but they don't. They are often looking for something we just can't provide - long conversations and gossip is just not compatible with a busy life and three children...

i feel i am often not that welcoming, i just carried on cooking tea today and let DH lead the conversation, but it doesn't seem to put them off.

OP posts:
ConnectFortyFour · 07/12/2019 21:19

sadly, they just let themselves in the back door without knocking. does my head in.

Last week they brought DHs two siblings because they 'thought he might like to see them".... That was four unexpected adults in the house

OP posts:
Niki93 · 07/12/2019 21:21

I absolutely HATE my in laws doing this. To the point i started shutting my blinds and wouldnt answer the door! But i dont know if thats just because my in laws are annoying in general. I dont mind as much when its my family or friends because i feel more comfortable around them. But im with you on this one, its a pain in the arse. Keep the door locked and l take aaaaages to answer the door in future and they might get the picture xx

TowelNumber42 · 07/12/2019 21:21

DH has to have a word.

You could do that trick of answering the door in your coat.

Lock the backdoor!

ConnectFortyFour · 07/12/2019 21:22

i am relieved that most feel IANBU.

they have recently given us some money which i feel may be connected to them completely not bothering to call. i am grateful for the money, but i still have boundaries!

if we speak to them about it, it will go down badly and they are not a family that talk openly about things

OP posts:
Peoplearemiserable · 07/12/2019 21:23

My in-laws did this until they let themselves in when I was just about to jump in the bath and was wandering around naked (id just been for a very muddy run). It was a shock for us all and I was mortified but they never did it again!

UtuNorantiPralatongsThirdEye · 07/12/2019 21:23

sadly, they just let themselves in the back door without knocking. does my head

Just lock the door.

QueenAnneBoleyn · 07/12/2019 21:26


I now have a doormat for the front door: “Friends welcome. Relatives by appointment”.

TowelNumber42 · 07/12/2019 21:27

Set up with DH a series of hilarious things you can do to make them think twice about turning up uninvited. Ideally ones that can be done with children around. How old are yours?

I'd be ready with some kind of glitter-based activity for them to do with the children outside.

Or just have a list of things you were just about to pop out and do.

Big pot of jelly by the door that you move into position just as they arrive.

backaftera2yearbreak · 07/12/2019 21:28

This is something I’ve only ever come a crossed on mumsnet, having to arrange appointments to see people. It’s not the norm in my circle of friends/family.

Wearywithteens · 07/12/2019 21:28

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

ConnectFortyFour · 07/12/2019 21:28

not sure i can do the naked thing!

We could potentially solve the issue by always having the side gate bolted and not answering the door. However, DH won't go with this as he thinks it is rude and we should be welcoming to them. however, i know he really finds it as irritating as I do but he just can't say no to his parents... also, 'calling in' was fairly normal behaviour in the village where he grew up. have times moved on? or am i just grumpy?!

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