i don't like my in laws dropping in unannounced AIBU?

[ConnectFortyFour]

my in laws have a habit of dropping in unannounced and I find it a bit intrusive. They live about half an hour away and are often 'passing'

They went through a phase of calling in advance which i found much better, but that seems to have stopped. This weekend they dropped in, no call. DH and I were trying to do something else but had to stop all of that in order to provide cups of tea and conversation.

i think we need to speak to them about it but i just want a reality check on what is seen as 'normal' these days.

AIBU to expect them to always call in advance?

Well nobody comes to my house unannounced, but I live nowhere near them, hours away from everyone except the ex in laws and they never visited when h lived here anyway (still on good terms).

As a mother of a son, I will always call ahead. Who wants to be the diddy on the doorstep turning up just as the family are leaving the house to take little Johnny to a play date and Jemima to her dance class? People have stuff on and it’s so rude to think their world will stop turning to suit. Much better to call ahead and them say “love to see you today, could you call in around 4pm? We will all be home by then.”

"Well this this sums up how self center we are getting."

Is it not self centred to turn up & expect people to change/drop their plans to entertain you?

My exILs used to do that to her parents when going to visit on holiday! I never understood that. ExH would do the same.
Of course I'd ring myself. The first time I realised we were all together and I made them stop at a local supermarket to buy food in case the poor people didn't have enough in the house.

Anyway... People who've shown up at my house unannounced tend to realise pretty soon they should have called first.

Why didn't you tell them to sort out the tea because you were busy?

My DM would occasionally drop in on her way back from shopping but would always say are you busy and scoot off if we were. Most times she’d come in for a cuppa then leave as she didn’t want to outstay her welcome. MIL on the other hand would still be there 2 hours later!

I do think it depends on your relationship. When DM was alive I would always call to hers without warning as it was usual in our family(live quite close) and she clearly would be really happy to see me/us. She didn’t drive so couldn’t always pop over unless DF took her. Also I didn’t really mind if she called and I was still in my PJs but would feel embarrassed if it was MIL.

You are not being unreasonable and I think it's often that generation that do it. They come from that time probably when neighbours were close. Kids went out in the street and families were close. Women often stayed home to be house keepers?

I'm not saying this is the case but my partner's 76 year old dad is a nightmare got turning up early. We say come at 11. He turns up at 10.30. I'm usually half dressed or haven't quite got the house to a standard I want him to see. Then I feel mortified. He doesn't understand we have two small kids and mornings are chaos and we all need showers and to get dressed and do the pots and hoover etc.

Also they sometimes text to say can we pop in we are ten minutes away. The worst one was when I had had the most rushed morning. One child had a rotten cold. I took the other to school. Went to the shop for Calpol. Then I saw their car on the drive. My partner was working from home and had let them in. Because the child had been poorly the night before I hadn't down my usual teatime jobs. So I am ashamed to say I had washing up from the night before, breakfast pots too! The littlest was walking around with a mucky sleepsuit as I had planned to bath him when I got back. He had emptied his toybox and ripped a magazine up. I had rubbish to go out to the bins and the carpet needed hoovering. I was so embarrassed. His mum said I was going to tidy for you but I don't know where things go. I wanted to say its 9.15am I have done the school run and I shall now clean up. It doesn't look like this for long.

So yeah that's my situation and I hate it.

@londongirl I feel your pain, that’s happened to me before. My dad is an early bird(79) and will be on the door at 10am at the weekend! He’s stopped now after finally taking the hint. He’s obviously forgotten what it’s like to work all week and want a slower start to my weekend mornings.
Does anyone else do a tidy up after you’ve had an unexpected visitor that caught you in a less than perfect state? I don’t know why but it makes me feel better

Mmmm. Interesting that they've given you money and DH is terrified of locking his own gate so as not to appear rude. Whose feelings matter more here? I suspect he feels somewhat beholden and that won't improve over time as they get older and frailer.

Of courses it’s not self centred to not like people popping in, I think it is more self centred to assume that people are always ready and willing to welcome you. I am over 60, my parents are in their late 80s, but I wouldn’t just ‘pop in’. They might have visitors, they might be out, they might be seeing their chiropodist (& who wants visitors when you are having your feet seen to ), they might be having a nap and not want to be disturbed etc etc. We all get on very well but it just seems poor manners to ‘drop in’. I have a neighbour who does it, I try to be kind as she is dreadfully lonely but it is always very inconvenient and yet she I’ll never do anything ‘structured’ like come for coffee or go out to a garden centre that I might suggest.

I don't like anybody dropping in unannounced. Neither does DH.

Lock your backdoor/side gate FFS.

It's not rude, it's common sense.

the fact they have recently given us money definitely seems to be linked to an increase in this type of behaviour!

They must turn up all the time when we are not here, but they never say anything about that. We live on one of their regular routes and they will drop in on the slightest pretext.

I actually grew up with this type of calling in culture and have happy memories of it. if i had more time i would be more welcoming of it. but we do have busy lives and the DIY task they interrupted a few weeks ago is still undone. if they sat and played with the children for a bit so we could get on with things but they are not interested in that. admittedly my youngest is really hard work. Although the children like seeing the grandparents they often play up as well, and they will just sit and watch us struggle. The main motivation to call seems to be to pump us for information and gossip, which i also find intrusive.

DH regularly works from home and they dropped in a lot then. he did hint heavily (they are a family incapable of addressing things directly) that it was inconvenient, and they did make it less regular/shorter but didn't stop completely and does seem to be ramping up again.

i do wonder if we need to just accept they are getting older and they are going to find it hard to change their behaviour now? they are mid 70s and quite with it in some ways but increasingly doddery in others.

I dont like anyone popping in but I am an introvert.
Having said that the DC dont like people visiting at all and one is an extrovert.

I would try and have a word with them with your dh the next time they pop in. 🤗🤗

YANBU. This has nothing to do with them being your in-laws. I wouldn't visit anyone without calling ahead, including my own mum and siblings and they treat me with the same respect.

My MIL visits unannounced. I don't answer the door if it's not a convenient time.

Last time she called ds (yes, I am the mother of a son!) was in the bath so I couldn't leave him. I heard my phone ringing downstairs (her, seeing where I was). She left.

Later, she texted me to see if I was home as she wanted to call in. I said fine. She got here and was all sniffy about her "wasted journey" earlier. I told her about the bath and if she had only called ahead, she'd have known.

I think this is a throwback habit. To a time when lots of mothers didn’t work, or only worked a few hours a week. Kids didn’t do all sorts of paid for clubs after school either. Maybe cubs or brownies once a week and that was it. I remember neighbours popping in for a cuppa frequently in the late 70s. In and out of each others’ houses. I guess it probably relieved the boredom of not having any other adult at home and barely any daytime telly.

Times have changed so much. Most families are really busy day to day from the minute they get up to the minute they go to bed. For most parents, it’s obligation after obligation all the waking day, and having to entertain an unexpected visitor when you had looked forward to an hour of Netflix in the middle of your busy day, or a snooze while the baby is napping, can just be irksome to say the least.

I agree with this. My father once dropped in when I was working. I made him a coffee, and carried on working. Which confused him, until I explained that if I took an hour for a coffee now, I’d still be making the time up working until 7pm, when he was long home, fed and watching emmerdale. He got it after that!

I think flexible working and wfh didn’t exist back in the day, not for the type of jobs it exists for now (professional office type roles). so maybe the older generation don’t “get it“ as they’ve never had experience of anything like it.

My parents do this. When I left ex and moved near them I finally had to come clean that it wasn't just ex who's a funny bugger about popper iners... It's me too and I just let them think it's him all theose years coz I didn't want the but we're familyyyy guilt trip.
They looked like a puppy that's been kicked. Still tried it a few times but I happily ignore the door if I'm not expecting anyone and not up for visitors.

If they question this I was having a shit/ bath/ sleep/ shit day and don't want to see anyone. They still think I'm being funny but that's fine. Coz really it's them trying to guilt trip me and it won't work haha

Op:

"if we speak to them about it, it will go down badly and they are not a family that talk openly about things"

Herein lies the problem. It would have to come from Dh. And him alone. he would have to drive to their house and sit them down and tell them.

and even then they would probably blame you! " oh he was always alright before he met her......"

This is never gonna work!

"he just can't say no to his parents.."

My sister has this sorted. My mum is the "popper inner" - sis grabs her bag on the way to the door - she is either "just coming in - you can put the kettle on" or "just going out - I'll ring you later" - depending on the level of busyness/reason for calling.

Those saying that they want to be able to drop in on family and this thread makes them sad etc how would you feel walking in on your darling son shagging his missus on the couch?

would love to be shagging but sadly our daytimes are too full of boring obligations to be doing this...

i love the 'friends welcome: relatives by appointment" door mat, but dont' have the balls to do this.

i had a shower and made the following resolution. I will lock the back door/side gate on the pretext of burglaries. actually a genuine concern this time of year. it will make things a bit inconvenient for my eldest who currently comes and goes as she pleases, but we can get round that. it won't solve the 'dropping in' as they will just knock on the front door, but it at least gives me a moment to gather my composure and say something about shortly going out or whatever.

Dh is likely to be uncomfortable with this but i think i'm going to have to give him a choice. either the side gate is locked or he has to more firmly explain to his parents they need to call in advance. same day is fine.

i'm happy to spend quality time with them, but it isn't quality when i'm being made to feel uncomfortable in my own home. i think they do actually know we don't like it but they are stubborn and inconsiderate and find change difficult.

Thanks for the reality check everyone

You loving family member driving along and think oh be lovely to pop in while we are passing.. and you are annoyed..

Because they have the technology to let someone know. It has nothing to do with how loving a person is , but more consideration for others and their time.

Did you ever consider that those who rather these “loving” family members contacted them first want them to do so so they could make sure they have the time and energy for them?

I’m in and out of the house six and sometimes seven days a week due to work , errands, and nursery and school drop-offs and pick-ups. My husband works from home often, involved in international calls, dealing with clients, and building programs and formulas and then driving or taking the train to meetings and clients. When he’s not, he is in his office in London. He doesn’t have the time and definitely not the concentration to entertain while he is in his work day. Anyone who comes by without letting us know is going to find themselves sitting in our living room alone until one of us is available or not getting an answer at all. I would rather someone contact us so we can have a decent chat than someone coming by unannounced and getting turned away.

This has nothing to do with being a mother of sons.

I'd be pissed off with my own parents doing this. It's rude. This is not the days where people didn't have even a landline, everyone has the ability to check it's a convenient time.

What if you were out? Or having a midday shag in the living room? Or watching a film under a blanket in your pants? Is no one entitled to privacy in their own home?

I solved this issue with the PIL early on. They decided to "pop round" when I had an awful cold and was pregnant and being sick. I answered the door, then ran to the loo and vomited, then had a coughing fit. They promptly left and have never dropped by again. They also lived an hour away and are now further away so don't want to waste the journey. Just fake horrid illness, people hate being around it.

Prob in the minority but I love it when people call unannounced and I think it’s the kind of thing you’ll miss when your in laws are no longer around.