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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

i don't like my in laws dropping in unannounced AIBU?

167 replies

ConnectFortyFour · 07/12/2019 21:01

my in laws have a habit of dropping in unannounced and I find it a bit intrusive. They live about half an hour away and are often 'passing'

They went through a phase of calling in advance which i found much better, but that seems to have stopped. This weekend they dropped in, no call. DH and I were trying to do something else but had to stop all of that in order to provide cups of tea and conversation.

i think we need to speak to them about it but i just want a reality check on what is seen as 'normal' these days.

AIBU to expect them to always call in advance?

OP posts:
ineedaholidaynow · 08/12/2019 10:45

If you are someone who likes people just dropping in, do you do the same with other people?

What happens if you drop in and everyone else is rushing around trying to get ready for activities, shopping, cooking or just relaxing as a family and watching a film. Do you stay or leave as you can see they are busy?

GladAllOver · 08/12/2019 10:54

We love to have relatives and friends call in. But in our circle they always call first. It's unreasonable not to.

CherriesAndWine · 08/12/2019 10:59

Yanbu, I hate anyone dropping in unannounced!

JoyTurner · 08/12/2019 13:15

YANBU. My MIL does this a lot and even when I say I need to go out as I have plans (I genuinely do!) she still doesn’t get up to leave.
Also, nothing to do with it being in laws, my own family aren’t welcome to just turn up unannounced either.

ForalltheSaints · 08/12/2019 13:29

Calling in unannounced when no-one had mobile phones or answering machines may have been OK, but now there is no good reason.

Even if someone is welcome any time, you still want to ensure that you are tidy and able to be hospitable immediately.

LolaSmiles · 08/12/2019 13:47

Is it not self centred to turn up & expect people to change/drop their plans to entertain you?
I agree.
It's the dropper inners who are self centered because they're expecting other people to drop what they're doing and cater to them.
I'd put money on them being the type of people who'd be annoyed if you answered the door and then said "actually I'm half way through mopping the floor so you can come in and I'll keep doing it or you can go".

CatteStreet · 08/12/2019 14:05

The 'as a mother of sons this makes me sad' post can only mean 'I expect at least equal rights with my DIL in my son's future home and won't accept her displacing me as the woman in my son's life'. I have sons, FWIW, and this thread doesn't make me remotely sad.

There are a (very) few people I would be delighted to welcome in unannounced. Everyone else, please, a quick call first. It sounds as if OP's ILs want the best of both worlds - they want to feel 'at home' in coming and going as they pleased, but also expect treatment as 'guests' when they arrive, instead of sorting themselves out and/or pitching in with whatever needs doing. I don't think that works.

WhataMissMap · 08/12/2019 14:41

When I had my first baby a man aged about 65 who I knew vaguely through my father, started to pop around to visit me during the day.
I found this really unsettling and quite odd.
I started to hide when I realised who was at the door. I felt terribly guilty about it for years. He died quite suddenly a few years after this and I did wonder if I should have treated him more kindly.
Reading this thread has brought it all back to me.
I thought then and he still think now that it was completely unacceptable to call around without prior notice.
Funnily enough if this chap had called to ask could he visit I would have thought of an excuse to put him off. He was quite a dominant and difficult character.
I wish I had had Mumsnet in those days!

emilybrontescorsett · 08/12/2019 14:54

In times past I assume virtually every e did this because nobody had a telephone.
Now virtually everyone carrys a mobile phone around with them so can pre -arrange things.
My mum used to call unannounced and it drove me crazy.
She would come at the most inconvenient times.
Op YANBU.

billy1966 · 08/12/2019 15:33

Pre children I never minded friends doing this, things were just more chilled and relaxed.

Once we had children and life became massively busy it became a NoNo.

Both my family and friends are all silently on the same page, a quick text is just respectful of each other.

countrygirl99 · 08/12/2019 16:12

My inlaws used to do this when we first got married, despite a 40 minute drive. I was studying for exams and they expected to be entertained. BIL1 & SIL solved it for us. They popped round to them unannounced and to FILs horror SIL was mowing the lawn and BIL was baking a cake. Such an unnatural division of duties shocked him to the core (honestly, when he told us you'd think they had been caught sacrificing kittens to Satan) and they never dropped in to any of us again without checking first.

woodhill · 08/12/2019 16:50

@Londongirl86

My ils were exactly like that, always early, so annoying. Seemed to have nothing better to do. They were helpful and meant well but I can't stand it.

Mil still does it. It's distracting if you are trying to get on

woodhill · 08/12/2019 17:01

I remember people always calling in at my gps who lived further North.

When I'm at dms the Neighbours or someone up the road calls in. They are retired and seem to like it.

Come and say hello to so and so. I don't always want to. I've come to see my dm and they should go away😊

Morporkia · 08/12/2019 17:18

My kids both live within 10 minutes of me and i literally pass my Ds's flat every day, but the one and only time i have ever turned up unannounced is when there had been an emergency and i couldn't get hold of DS by phone (i had tried 18 times in half an hour, and yes, it was a DIRE emergency)
my kids pop in whenever they like, raid the fridge and ask for a lift home, whether it's convenient or not....i might try the bondage gear solution to that one...just to see their faces Grin

BackforGood · 08/12/2019 17:21

Do people who like having people pop in not have lives?
I do a lot of working from home so wouldn’t be impressed if someone dropped in without notice. If not working we will be out walking the dog or getting DS to and from activities, or just relaxing at home and not wanting to be disturbed.

Yes, we have a very busy life. I also work from home quite a lot. If someone pops by and we aren't there, well we'd never know so not an issue. If I'm working on something that I don't want to postpone then I'd say "Oh, hiya. I'm afraid I'm working at the moment - are you free Tuesday?' {or whenever suits if I want to see them..... just 'I'm working, sorry' if I don't particularly - though I don't have family or friends that I don't like}.

We say come at 11. He turns up at 10.30. I'm usually half dressed or haven't quite got the house to a standard I want him to see.

and

I am ashamed to say I had washing up from the night before, breakfast pots too! The littlest was walking around with a mucky sleepsuit as I had planned to bath him when I got back. He had emptied his toybox and ripped a magazine up. I had rubbish to go out to the bins and the carpet needed hoovering. I was so embarrassed

@Londongirl86 What I don't get is why you think family or close friends need some sort of show home presentation. Why on earth would you be embarrassed that you were about to start doing some cleaning ? Why are you 'ashamed' to have not done the washing up? Confused

The absolute beauty of not having had notice of someone calling in is that there is no expectation that you will have "prepared" the house for them. If someone has arranged to come round at X o'clock on Y-day, I can see there is a bit more of an expectation you don't have piles of washing all over your 3 piece suite, but if someone drops in because they are nearby, then obviously there is no expectation your house is all polished and presented as if you are about to sell it.

I actually grew up with this type of calling in culture and have happy memories of it.

CheeseAndOnionIceCream · 08/12/2019 17:27

YANBU. My ex MIL used to do this regularly,and it pissed me right off. No matter how many times I or my exH asked her to phone in advance,she never would. It was always 'Oh sorry,I forgot'. I strongly suspect the reason she never checked if it was OK in advance was mainly because she knew that I would say it wasn't convenient. I also have a sneaking suspicion that she was 'checking up on me',i.e. trying to catch me out. She never liked me from the word go,I wasn't good enough for her precious son,and would have loved to have caught me out somehow. Ironic really,as it was her darling son who cheated on ME in the end.....

lilgreen · 08/12/2019 17:29

@countrygirl99 that’s hilarious!

joyfullittlehippo · 08/12/2019 17:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FraglesRock · 08/12/2019 17:31

Could you put into place a week of continually dropping in on them, if they're not in, ring to complain etc.
See if it's inconvenient at all...

StrayWoman · 08/12/2019 17:32

@BackforGood From another perspective- I don't WANT drop ins. Ever.

Unless it was an emergency I wouldn't want it if it was a neighbour, good friend, or either side of parents. I don't want uninvited visitors. If I don't have plans outside of the house then I often plan how I'm going to spend that time at home - and my free time is precious to me. I might be cooking or painting, or even binge watching a series with greasy hair in my life pjs. I don't like being surprised, I don't like being forced to socialise when I hadn't planned to, and I maintain that it's fucking rude to drop in expecting to be accommodated or entertained with no warning.

Call me a misery, fine.

lilgreen · 08/12/2019 17:33

I think it’s a lifestyle thing. When I was a sahm I didn’t mind so much but now I’m working my weekends are so precious.

SansaStarky · 08/12/2019 18:51

My ex inlaws did this. Calling when i was on mat leave and droning on about shite for hours. Fuck that never again

StoneofDestiny · 08/12/2019 19:15

Inconsiderate to drop in on people unannounced - it's a heck of an assumption to believe other people's time is yours!

I'd never assume I could just drop in on friends or family and have many friends and a great relationship with family. Just courteous to ask if it's convenient!

redappleandaquamarinebow1987 · 08/12/2019 19:18

Would not even like it if my own family DM included dropped by unannounced. Right now she lives in a different country but is planning to move here and we both already made it very clear that neither will do this to each other. I am very much like her in this sense to the extend she will not pick up the phone unless she knows who is calling, and will altogether not answer the phone after 6pm. She has also refused to open doors for unexpected guests and just left them to stand there until the assume she is out and leave.

billy1966 · 08/12/2019 19:24

I think the unspoken issue here, maybe, that people are busy, and that their downtime is their covert MH time.

We are busy, but are super cogniscient of the importance of down time, for all of us.

Someone just dropping in, when it suits them, but definitely not us, is not on.

I make no apology, AT ALL, for valuing my MH.

I need my down time and I certainly won't apologise for not being available to anyone 24/7.