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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

i don't like my in laws dropping in unannounced AIBU?

167 replies

ConnectFortyFour · 07/12/2019 21:01

my in laws have a habit of dropping in unannounced and I find it a bit intrusive. They live about half an hour away and are often 'passing'

They went through a phase of calling in advance which i found much better, but that seems to have stopped. This weekend they dropped in, no call. DH and I were trying to do something else but had to stop all of that in order to provide cups of tea and conversation.

i think we need to speak to them about it but i just want a reality check on what is seen as 'normal' these days.

AIBU to expect them to always call in advance?

OP posts:
backaftera2yearbreak · 07/12/2019 21:28

*accross

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 07/12/2019 21:30

I hate anyone dropping in unannounced, largely because I'm on the messy side and I like to tidy up first - so I can pretend the house always looks like that.
I wouldn't mind close family, but none of them live near so it's hardly likely to happen.

PersonaNonGarter · 07/12/2019 21:30

My in laws drop in and I would not expect them to call in advance. However, this is because they don’t expect tea/long chats but are usually dropping things off, picking things up, walking their dogs around here etc. It works.

I do think a bit of patience made be needed, as you say, if they will react badly. Could you ask DH to frame it all in the context of wanting to spend quality time with let, so let him know so he can be available etc?

chester18 · 07/12/2019 21:31

I always drop into my parents and in laws unannounced and hope that when my sons are living with partners I would be able to do that. Depends how often it is, if it was several times per week it could be a bit annoying but if it's every week or two can't see the problem. You said you're not very sociable with them when they visit, are you nicer to them when they call in advance?

Wearywithteens · 07/12/2019 21:32

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

OneDay10 · 07/12/2019 21:32

Yanbu. its really rude and disrespectful.
It is disrespectful of your time and whatever else you have going on.
Both dh and I are people who needs notice in advance. My family respect this and it's how we grew up. Dh family needed to have been told this. Its something that probably wont go down well but theres no other way around it.

I8toys · 07/12/2019 21:32

YANBU I hate this from in laws, my parents, friends any one!

pointythings · 07/12/2019 21:34

I have a no dropping in policy. For everyone. The people I want in my house have keys - everyone else lets me know in advance. It's really simple.

saraclara · 07/12/2019 21:34

It was normal when I grew up, and it was normal where my in laws live. But things have changed and is absolutely not standard for most people.

Next time they call at an inconvenient time, one of you needs to say "Sorry, we're just (going out). Could you let us know if you plan to come round, then you won't have a wasted journey or we can be ready for you"

Bourbonbiccy · 07/12/2019 21:34

I hate anyone "dropping in", I simply don't answer the locked door.

I'm not normally one to condone fibbing but Could you say there have been burglaries in the area so starting to lock up at all times, so could they please call before coming as the gate will be locked ?

BendingSpoons · 07/12/2019 21:34

Wearywithteens the OP said her family call in advance. Its not a parents/PIL thing. I would hate anyone turning up unannounced, including my parents. I want at least 10 mins warning to make sure I am dressed and have dealt with the worst of the mess!

1Morewineplease · 07/12/2019 21:36

This is where I loved living in the Midlands. People would always drop by, unannounced, and I/my mum would always welcome visitors. They would literally pop in for a cup of tea and I/my mum would carry on ironing, baking, painting or whatever whilst chatting. It was for a few minutes and we felt honoured by their visit. It usually happened the other way round too.
I remember visiting one lovely friend, impromptu who picked peas, cucumbers and strawberries for me to take home while I hung out her washing.
Maybe I belong in a previous existence.
When I moved down south I suddenly became aware of diaries and Filofaxes for mum/play dates.
To this day, my mum, in the Midlands , has a steady stream of visitors just knocking on her door and coming in for a cup of tea and a quick chat.

ysmaem · 07/12/2019 21:40

YANBU OP. I would be annoyed too. Ask DH to have a word

MrsEG · 07/12/2019 21:40

My mother does this, it’s very annoying. Again will ring the bell and seconds later her key is in the door and she’s letting herself in. I don’t have any advice to be honest; I’ve asked if she could call ahead just to ensure I’m home and it’s convenient - it worked for a few weeks and then she converted right back. Like you, she always needs entertaining - I’ll have to stop what I’m doing (even work! She can’t get the concept of me working from home in to her head), have a brew and a chat etc.
The irritating thing is, if she called ahead, the vast majority of the time I’d be happy for her to call in - if I could be given the chance to tell her when works best for me that day (she’s retired - which I think is part of the problem). But the dropping in unannounced drives me up the wall.
No advice unfortunately just solidarity from someone in the same situation!!

FrostythefeckinSnowman · 07/12/2019 21:40

I wouldn’t dream of dropping in on my adult children unannounced. That’s the height of rudeness in my book.

The money issue has blurred their boundaries so you need to be very firm with them. You’re not saying they can never call in but you are asking them to check if it’s convenient for you, in advance of their intended visits.

We see our adult children about once a year but then we live abroad.

anomoony · 07/12/2019 21:41

As a mother of a son - this thread makes me so sad.

Hmm Yes, what a mean mean DIL she is, wanting them to call before letting themselves in. Confused

diddl · 07/12/2019 21:41

Taking a chance on turning up surely means that you have to accept being told it's not convenient?

Why couldn't you carry on with what you were doing?

rosegoldivy · 07/12/2019 21:42

Ahhh I feel you.

I'm currently on maternity and DH gran is alwwwways just "popping" by to torture see how I'm doing.

Dives me fuckin mental.

Not only does she not call in advance, she just opens the door and waltz in. I've started locking the door during day and not answering.

Its that bad 😂😂😂

NoSauce · 07/12/2019 21:43

Just ask them to call in advance. You not DH.

just5morepeas · 07/12/2019 21:44

Fancy your family wanting to see you and have a conversation without booking a week in advance.

What absolute bastards.

diddl · 07/12/2019 21:46

"Fancy your family wanting to see you and have a conversation without booking a week in advance."

Who said they have to book a week in advance?

saraclara · 07/12/2019 21:48

Oh come on @just5model was You're exaggerating to make an unnecessary point. OP is only asking that they call before they set off. Even my daughters do that when they visit me. And the last one only left home a year ago. Who wants a wasted journey or to arrive when it's inconvenient?

MajesticWhine · 07/12/2019 21:48

YANBU - I would hate this. DM is in the midlands in a village where this is commonplace. Makes me shudder. My in-laws thankfully would not do this.

saraclara · 07/12/2019 21:48

Autocorrect, dammit. That was for @just5morepeas

Original poster
ConnectFortyFour · 07/12/2019 21:49

Thanks for the solidarity fellow sufferers!

it used to be maybe every couple of weeks but its ramped up a bit - twice this week - and they have completely stopped calling.

it's partly a generational thing - times have changed and perhaps they haven't caught up with that? tbh i'd love to live in a 1950s rural idyll where everyone was welcome in everyone else's house too, but it only works if everyone is doing it and it doesn't seem to be the norm anymore.

i get on OK with my inlaws but i do feel my relationship with them would be better if they didn't do this.

my one victory is that they don't have keys (my mother does, but i always know when she is coming)

OP posts:
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