i don't like my in laws dropping in unannounced AIBU?

[ConnectFortyFour]

my in laws have a habit of dropping in unannounced and I find it a bit intrusive. They live about half an hour away and are often 'passing'

They went through a phase of calling in advance which i found much better, but that seems to have stopped. This weekend they dropped in, no call. DH and I were trying to do something else but had to stop all of that in order to provide cups of tea and conversation.

i think we need to speak to them about it but i just want a reality check on what is seen as 'normal' these days.

AIBU to expect them to always call in advance?

These days it’s so easy to text. I look forward to weekends after working all week and the last thing I want is unexpected guests. I love seeing people but not when I’m about to get in the shower or about to eat lunch.

Hah, if anyone tried this they would turn up to an empty house or to a silent teen busy with homework.

Our household is insane, and anybody who knows us knows to call in advance, and never mind appointments a week ahead our weekends are usually full months in advance. When we have a weekend free DP insists on resting and not entertaining. And as it’s his family I go along with what he wants.

Not that my IL’s would turn up unannounced. Thankfully they’re lovely.

I wouldn’t expect to turn up at anyone’s house without warning bar an emergency. Why are people upset at asking first?

I think this is a throwback habit. To a time when lots of mothers didn’t work, or only worked a few hours a week. Kids didn’t do all sorts of paid for clubs after school either. Maybe cubs or brownies once a week and that was it. I remember neighbours popping in for a cuppa frequently in the late 70s. In and out of each others’ houses. I guess it probably relieved the boredom of not having any other adult at home and barely any daytime telly.

Times have changed so much. Most families are really busy day to day from the minute they get up to the minute they go to bed. For most parents, it’s obligation after obligation all the waking day, and having to entertain an unexpected visitor when you had looked forward to an hour of Netflix in the middle of your busy day, or a snooze while the baby is napping, can just be irksome to say the least.

Why, as a visitor, would you not want your visitee to feel comfortable that you had turned up to their home? a quick phone call to check before you leave home would achieve that. It’s no effort whatsoever, so anyone insisting on turning up unannounced when you’ve been asked not to, or you know it makes them uncomfortable, just makes you a controlling twat. Just because YOU don’t mind it does not mean that everyone else should think like you! It doesn’t make them weird or odd. It just makes their way different to yours.

What I also find unreasonable is that some people seem to equate dropping in whenever, without any consultation about convenience = closeness in a family.

It most certainly does not.

Being respectful of others and of their lives, is the foundation of true intimacy with those you care about.

OP, the whole money thing would irritate me further.
You seem to think that because you have been given money by them, they have suspended normal courtesies. Not on.

I would be spelling it out to them.

"We enjoy seeing you, but need to remind you that we would like to be checked with first. Even more so if you are bringing people with you. We are very busy with the children etc., and would like to be able to sit down and chat, rather than being caught on the hop".

If they refuse to comply, then I would just leave your husband to it. Bag at the door and go off for a bit and leave him to it.

I lived literally next door to my daughter and her husband. They moved in beside me. In the 10 years they lived there I "popped in" without calling exactly one time -- when the back gate got left open and their dog got out and I saw him running loose. Ran next door to alert them. My son-in-law said he was very reluctant to move there originally but I had been very respectful of their privacy. It is possible to see your family frequently and still respect boundaries.

As a mother of a son - this thread makes me so sad.

Why? I don't think it has anything to do with the gender o the child. I'm a woman and would hate my parents turning up unannounced. For a start it makes no sense - what if they're out or have other guests round? It would be a wasted journey. If you have an adult child you surely realise that they'll be busy sometimes and can't drop it all because you fancy a cup of tea. Just call up arrange a time that's convenient and see them then.

My MIL drops in at random (usually weekends) and expects a couple of hours of listening to her.

I don't turn up at anyone's house unannounced (including my family), as I find it intrusive and when you work Monday-Friday you sometimes just want to spend Sunday afternoon reading quietly on the sofa.

People who drop in unannounced should expect to sometimes be turned away. It is not reasonable to expect people, even family, to drop what they're doing to entertain you.

If you are busy/knackered when they drop by - tell them so. Nicely of course. You can either turn them away, or let them come in, but don't entertain them. You shouldn't feel obliged. But if you aren't busy/knackered welcome them.

This is where I loved living in the Midlands.

This. Is. Not. Regional. FFS.

I'm sorry you found it unfriendly where you moved to @1Morewineplease but I grew up in the South East and our back door was unlocked until parents went to bed. You never knew who would be in your house when you came home. Likewise DH's family a few miles, ditto our house in the same area now. I love it although I understand why people might not. But please don't pin unfriendliness onto an area.

My Fil used to do this and it really annoyed me. He once waltzed in at half ten at night. We were about to go to bed but he wanted a cup of tea before he went home.

He once let himself and a mate in while we were out. I’ve told this story before. It was half term, we’d been really busy, the house was an absolute shit tip and he brought himself and a family friend, who I knew, round for a cup of tea. Had to try and explain to the friend when I next saw him that we didn’t usually live like pigs.

I had to have a subtle word just to say please don’t just wander in, it was embarrassing having someone else in the house when it was such a mess. He was just of the opinion that his sons property was his property. He always was a bit of a narcissist.

When I was a child (25-30 years ago), this was totally acceptable. In face it was exciting when someone unexpectedly appeared at your door. In my house, people just walked straight in; sometimes you’d come downstairs to find people just sitting in the living room.

But, I think life is more stressful now, that we need time to be by ourselves and just “be”, without anyone else in the house. When you are already stressed it just adds to it when someone arrives and you’ve not had a chance to prepare. I hate it.

My MIL drops in unannounced. Not being in never puts her off!

My family always call in advance. Times have changed.

This thread comes up on MN so often.
It seems to depend on what you are used to, and there is rarely any "seeing the other side", or compromise.
People who 'drop in' when passing like it and people who don't, don't.

This weekend they dropped in, no call. DH and I were trying to do something else but had to stop all of that in order to provide cups of tea and conversation.

Er - no, you didn't. You could have said "Ah great, we were just about to........ Can you just hold this ladder while I stand on it to get these curtains down" or "Here's a rake - we're in the middle of collecting the last of the leaves off the grass" {insert suitable task to help with what you were doing}. That is the beauty of the fact you didn't know people were coming - when they drop in, you aren't expected to be "guest ready" or "available to entertain" like you are if people arrange to come over - you are in the middle of getting on with something and you carry on doing it.
I dislike it the other way, when dh's parents make a 'thing' of coming over on a certain evening and make you feel like life should stop because they've arranged to come over, so 'pft' - that's your evening gone.

Most of my visitors tend to just drop in without notice, it doesn't bother me at all.
Sunday's are my pj days, in which I slob around in my PJ's all day ( usually sprawled out on the sofa ) if anyone drops in then, that's how they have to take me, regardless of who it is.
I always text the kids if I'm visiting them but only to check that they're at home, simply because they live a car drive away.
I have a key to each of their homes and I can't think of a time that I've ever used them.
They each have keys to my home which they always use simply because the door is always locked and I can't be arsed to get up to answer it.

Do people who like having people pop in not have lives?

I do a lot of working from home so wouldn’t be impressed if someone dropped in without notice. If not working we will be out walking the dog or getting DS to and from activities, or just relaxing at home and not wanting to be disturbed.

YANBU

Ever since DH started speaking to his parents again, they have a habit of doing the same thing.
They even went into the house to put food in our fridge a few weeks ago when we were out and they called us that they were in front of the house but we were out.
DH has told them now to call and ask before they come over.

Yanbu at all. I can’t stand droppers in, I think it’s so inconsiderate and when it’s clearly not “the done thing” for the people they are dropping in on it shows a lack of boundaries.

I agree with a pp that it doesn’t automatically indicate a close family. I know my parents used to get some pathetic enjoyment out of what they clearly saw as catching us out with dishes unwashed or the living room being untidy. IMO sometimes it’s about exerting control, it’s saying I’ll do what I like and I think the fact that it’s ramped up recently and they gave you money recently is no coincidence .

Yanbu at all. You and your husband find it irritating, you need to set boundaries. They should not be walking into your house unannounced unless you've agreed previously. Who knows what you could be doing?

I've had a gran walk in in myself and an ex previously while we were vigorously doing each other. She had the nerve to be offended!

Parents and in laws have keys and we have keys to their's. I would never use without their say so. Usually MIL texts that they are the back garden and to use the keys after we've text if they are free.

Very bad manners, I wouldn’t dream of dropping in on anyone and neither would my family or my DH’s family. My parents are late 80s & I like to see them regularly as they need a bit of help etc but I would always phone to check if it was convenient.

I am also mother to an (only child) son, no way would I drop in on him unannounced... when he has his own home. He has at uni now & we did plan a recent visit to see him .... he was away that weekend .

@ineedaholidaynow
Yes, I have a life, along with a husband, a full time job and a crazy dog.
And I still welcome unexpected visitors from my sprawled pj clad position on the sofa 😁

I grew up in tne 70s and 80s, only about halfthe people I knew had house phones so people popped round because they couldn't give advance warning. It's a throw back to this era. Now it's very different, it's polite to send a txt or ring to see if it's convenient.

We could potentially solve the issue by always having the side gate bolted and not answering the door. However, DH won't go with this as he thinks it is rude and we should be welcoming to them. however, i know he really finds it as irritating as I do but he just can't say no to his parents...

In which case, each time they call, go out - you, not DH. Just go and sit in a coffee shop for an hour or so

He'll soon learn to stick up for his family and not side with his parents

We once had a family of 4 turn up for the weekend!! Surprise!! They had travelled almost 200 miles... some people have no boundaries!

I think backforgood's advice is spot on - get them involved if you can and don't feel the need to entertain. Assuming you get on otherwise ok? If it's not possible to do this then could you invite them round at a specific time that suits or ring them in the week to ask if they are planning to pop by because you have plans/stuff to do and would prefer they come x time/day? I'm probably being soft but if I didn't like something like that I would rather try to see if I could control or manage it in one of these ways before I said anything. But I don't really mind family (mine or dp) calling round unannounced. Do you pop round to theirs unannounced and knock before going in? I must admit we probably both call to our parents without asking and probably don't always knock because it's still "home" in a way! Although I wouldn't do it to dp parents if I was alone and vice versa. So perhaps your dp does that at their house either alone or with you and they're doing it back without even thinking about it?!

Yanbu. My mum does this and it drives me mad! She has got a lot better to be fair but still will occasionally do it on my day off. My days off are so precious, I have schedules in my head lol.

On the flip side I just rock up at theirs whenever I feel like it and walk straight in so I can't really tell her off!

I agree though the most frustrating thing is not being able to get on! My mum isn't that mobile anymore either so it's not like she can follow me round while I do stuff. Frustrating! No advice but sympathies!

Well this this sums up how self center we are getting.
You loving family member driving along and think oh be lovely to pop in while we are passing.. and you are annoyed. I hope to God my children always let me pop in, without a invitation to their houses and them to me.

Me saying this. Think in just very lucky that this is the norm with our family. Maybe not so much with everyone.