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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

i don't like my in laws dropping in unannounced AIBU?

167 replies

ConnectFortyFour · 07/12/2019 21:01

my in laws have a habit of dropping in unannounced and I find it a bit intrusive. They live about half an hour away and are often 'passing'

They went through a phase of calling in advance which i found much better, but that seems to have stopped. This weekend they dropped in, no call. DH and I were trying to do something else but had to stop all of that in order to provide cups of tea and conversation.

i think we need to speak to them about it but i just want a reality check on what is seen as 'normal' these days.

AIBU to expect them to always call in advance?

OP posts:
just5morepeas · 07/12/2019 21:49

Who said they have to book a week in advance?

Good point. I definitely meant that 100% literally.

welshsoph · 07/12/2019 21:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

diddl · 07/12/2019 21:52

"Good point. I definitely meant that 100% literally."

Rather you mean you made it up, literally.

NoSauce · 07/12/2019 21:53

I often wonder why anyone would start yet another thread like this. The OP knows how she feels and obviously doesn’t think she’s unreasonable. Odd.

SleepWarrior · 07/12/2019 21:53

I find it funny when there's a thread regarding an issue with a woman's MIL and someone find it sad/depressing 'because they have sons'.

There are loads of problem relationships described on mumsnet - nobody ever finds it depressing 'as a friend/boss/partner/child', it's only ever the MIL that they one day envisage themself as and feel moved to comment on!

Nextphonewontbesamsung · 07/12/2019 21:54

Sorry, haven't read tfft.

But if you can't handled inlaws dropping in and also can't handle your own parents dropping in then yanbu.

If you are happy for your parents to drop in but don't want your inlaws to do it then yabu.

flouncyfanny · 07/12/2019 21:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

feelingsinister · 07/12/2019 21:59

As with many things, there will be wildly different views on this and none of them are wrong as long as it works for your family.

That's tricky when you have to deal with two families with different stances on stuff like this.

At my grandparents house, people just popped in. Their home was the centre of the family and I doubt many days went by that they didn't see one of their children/grandchildren and that's how they wanted it.
This was then expected of me when I moved into my own home but it's just not how I want to live.

I liked that as a kid and loved seeing them but my mum was a SAHM and they were retired so it was a bit different. We both work full time and I sometimes work Saturdays too, we're tired, busy and sometimes I want to lay around on my sofa eating crisps and watching 90 day fiancé and don't want a bloody relative turning up unannounced.

My mum did have a key but only for emergencies/cat feeding and certainly not just to wander into my house.

She was really offended when I asked her to call before coming round and used the same snotty argument about having to 'make an appointment' but I just kept enforcing it and she got the message eventually.

just5morepeas · 07/12/2019 22:00

Rather you mean you made it up, literally.

Well, yes obviously. Does all sarcasm need to be signposted in foot high letters?

Drabarni · 07/12/2019 22:05

There is no normal though OP.

It's what you are happy and comfortable with.
Not pil particularly as we just get along but otherwise I'm a call if you're passing type. kettle always on, always up for a chat. My dh is the opposite and is really uncomfortable with surprises.
Nobody comes round without calling or he won't answer, obviously neighbours aside. He isn't anti social, just needs warning.

Just nip it in the bud now. Tell her you plan to be a bit more flexible ito being out and about/work etc and you'd hate to be out so bed she calls to check you're free first.
If she doesn't stick to it, don't answer the door. Your home, your rules.

Drabarni · 07/12/2019 22:09

Oh I forgot I'm a mil and grandma too, and I say you live by your rules, we are all so different Thanks

SmileyGiraffe · 07/12/2019 22:11

@just5morepeas fuck off and stop projecting. What you've posted has nothing to do with what the OP has said. Learn to fucking read.

JemSynergy · 07/12/2019 22:11

I hate it. I had an inlaw recently drop in, lives an hour and half away and had plenty of time to have given us a quick call to let us know. At the time it was really bad timing to have an unannounced visit and one I could have really done without.

Twinklelikethechristmastree · 07/12/2019 22:13

Mine do it too. Especially if my dh hasn't contact them for a bit. And they always do it as we are about to eat!!!!!

Dementedswan · 07/12/2019 22:14

My inlaws get up between 4 and 5 am, they think its perfectly acceptable to start the first of their many phone calls at 6.30am. And they've been known to be at the door 7.30am on a weekend morning Hmm

phoenixrosehere · 07/12/2019 22:15

As a mother of a son - this thread makes me so sad.

As a mum of sons I would think I raised them wrong if they turned up at someone’s home unannounced if that is not the type of dynamic they have with those living there.

Some families are happy and/or comfortable with people coming bu unannounced and some people hate it. Neither is right or wrong.

My husband grew up with people always popping by unannounced but isn’t a fan of it as an adult. I’m a people-person myself, but hate people popping by our home unannounced and hated it when my dad did such things when I was a kid. It takes less than a minute to call and text to see if someone is up for visitors.

LightDrizzle · 07/12/2019 22:16

This usually divides Mumsnet but I’m with you. I hate people dropping in. Fortunately neither my former in-laws nor my parents did it.
I’m not unsociable at all, but when I host I want to be a good host. A lot of my life I’ve been studying or working to deadlines, often at home; having to plaster a smile on my face and listen to someone tell me about their sister’s recent cruise as the precious minutes tick by would make me desperate.
Less laudably, when I finally get time to read or watch crap TV while browsing on my phone, I really don’t want to make an effort.

I now have adult children [girls] and we are wonderfully close. I’d never drop in without ringing first.

Lock the gate.

LightDrizzle · 07/12/2019 22:18

Dementedswan
No wonder you are demented.

PanamaPattie · 07/12/2019 22:19

I have four DC. I wouldn't dream of just popping in to see them. It's the height of rudeness, bad manners and an awful state of entitlement. I respect their boundaries as they respect mine. You don't have to make an appointment to see people. You just have to give them proper notice to make sure you are welcome.

2Rebecca · 07/12/2019 22:20

No-one turning up at my door at 7.30 on a weekend would get a civil reply unless the postie. They wouldn't get to come in and would get told to phone or text before coming and no early morning weekend phone calls. I think poppers inners prioritise themselves over the people they are visiting and are selfish. If you want to visit someone check it's as convenient for them as it is for you.

Judystilldreamsofhorses · 07/12/2019 22:22

YAnBU. My MIL did this for a while. I found it infuriating, particularly in the summer holidays - I teach so have the summer off, and would be knocking about in my pyjamas at 11am, which she strongly disapproved of. My DP eventually told her to stop, and she did. I feel a bit mean, tbh, because she’s on her own and now she’s retired is a bit lonely. I am totally happy to see her, frequently, but just want an hour’s grace to have tidied up a bit, and had a shower!

exexpat · 07/12/2019 22:27

As a mother of a son Hmm I think YANBU.

You can have a great relationship with someone (parent, in-law, friend, whatever) without always being overjoyed to find them letting themselves into your house unannounced when you are not expecting them and are in the middle of doing stuff you don't necessarily want interrupted. I would never do this to my son, daughter or anyone else.

Lunde · 07/12/2019 22:29

Wearywithteens - As a mother of a son - this thread makes me so sad.

What! Why does being the mother of a son mean that you have no manners?

You just feel that you have a right to let yourself into your adult child's house without warning. That is a serious sense of entitlement you have.

woodhill · 07/12/2019 22:31

Yanbu we used to have this when dc were younger

LolaSmiles · 07/12/2019 22:35

I find it funny when there's a thread regarding an issue with a woman's MIL and someone find it sad/depressing 'because they have sons'.
It certainly explains why so many women seem to have issues with their MIL when some mums seem to have apron strings tightly wound from a young age.

I wonder if there's an overlap between people who wouldn't mind their MIL turning up unannounced and MILs who wouldn't dream of turning up unannounced other than an emergency / people who would hate their MIL turning up and MIL who have no boundaries

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