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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Can't agree on name for baby: aibu?

243 replies

NoGuarantee · 07/12/2019 07:55

Baby is a week old. Throughout the pregnancy, I would try to talk to my husband about names, made a long list but we both knew we would want to meet the baby before agreeing on the name (we did the same with our daughter and realised that when born, to us, she didn't 'suit' the names we had shortlisted).

So baby is born, I let my husband know the names I think suit the baby and ask what he thinks. He says no to them all. Doesn't hugely elaborate why. I ask him for names he likes. He tells me two which I don't like, although I did say I'd compromise on the spelling for 1 (he wanted the traditional Welsh spelling despite the fact we have no connection to Wales in the slightest which I though would be a bit odd!) and the other I didn't like the 'full' name but would have compromised on the nickname being on the birth cert. Husband said no to nickname and alternative spelling.

I then sent a list of a new 5 names I liked and husband turns them all down, again, no real explanation why. He just says 'no, don't like them'. They are not out there or younique, or too American or anything weird. Think William, Bertie, Frank kind of thing.

Husband supplies list of 5 names which I also don't like. There are two names on there which I don't mind but one is very similar to my nephew (Lewis and Louis) and another is an old friend of the family so I feel it's like naming the baby after someone that we don't have a close enough relationship with. The other 2 names are the two I mentioned earlier (that ive offered compromises for) and a fifth name that I just don't actually like (Tristram).

So, my aibu. I grew this bloody baby for 9 months, put my back and hips out carrying him around commuting 3 hours a day (he weighed 10lb 6oz when born!), went through the labour and birth, am up all night breastfeeding him... AIBU to just demand one of my bloody names?

I know I am. I don't want a name for my baby that I don't like. Why should the dad have a name he doesn't like. But also... Why can't he just like one of my bloody suggestions or accept the compromise?

Help. Please don't reply with more names - there is not a name out there we haven't discussed.

I've sent him a new list of 5 I'd be happy with. Think Charlie, Freddie, Arthur... Type names.

Yabu: you need to keep going and find fresh names you can agree on

YANBU: try to persuade husband to agree to my favourite name based on the fact I'm the mum.

OP posts:

Original poster

NoGuarantee · 07/12/2019 12:56

@lynzpynz - he is full of cold and has been looking after our 18 month old so that's why I've done the last few nights on my own, to be fair to him.

He is on 8 weeks shared parental leave.

I've not read all the other responses yet, but I will do.

Thanks to those taking the time to respond.

OP posts:

Andysbestadventure · 07/12/2019 12:59

I say Mum gets the final vote, sorry, not sorry.

I'm not in to equality bollocks when it's you that's grown baby, birthed it, had your body ravaged by it and litterally had every bit of goodness sucked out of your bones.

Mum should always get final say on baby's name.

BabyItsAWildWorld · 07/12/2019 13:13

Use Aiden. It's lovely and it really doesn't matter if you have a friend called this!

DisgruntledGuineaPig · 07/12/2019 13:14

If you like Ernie, go with Ernest. Call him Ernie. Everyone other than his dad will too. Noone would blink at Ernie's driving licence/passport being Ernest, and when a late teen if he feels Ernie is too "cutesy" for him, hes got a boring more grown up option.

DoTheNextRightThing · 07/12/2019 13:15

I'm not pregnant or planning to be but that Kinder app sounds great! Why have I never heard of it?!

I'm not sure if YABU or YANBU. You both deserve to have a name you like - but if he's being stubborn it's not good either. Hmm...

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 07/12/2019 13:16

I'm not in to equality bollocks when it's you that's grown baby, birthed it, had your body ravaged by it and litterally had every bit of goodness sucked out of your bones.

But are you also not into equality bollocks when it comes to financially supporting the baby as "She was the one who wanted a baby, she told me she was on the pill and I'm not ready to be a dad anyway." ?

Believe it or not, there are a lot of terrific, devoted dads out there - I don't think it's fair to punish them for not doing something that they physically cannot do. There are even SAHDs who care full-time for their children for years, but even they still didn't consider whether or not they should have been the ones to go through pregnancy and birth for their much-loved child.

With tens of thousands of names to choose from, nobody should have to tolerate a name for their own child that they dislike - but parenting a child should ideally be a job shared by two people who are devoted to their child, who should have an equal say in matters to do with the child, once born.

There will be elements of parenting throughout the 18 years that one parent can do better than the other and there will be some elements that one parent simply cannot do. It's a partnership, not a competition.

emilybrontescorsett · 07/12/2019 13:28

Just start singing 'Ernie, and he drove the fastest milk cart in the west,' to him and that should be enough to put him off Earnest.

ChestnutTalisman · 07/12/2019 13:32

How did you choose your older child's name?

Original poster

NoGuarantee · 07/12/2019 13:55

@emilybrontescorsett - that song is the only reason I'm considering Ernie 😂

"he said 'do you want pasteurised, cos pasteurised is best?' she said Ernie I'd be happy if it came up to my chest" 😁

For our daughter we spent 5 days trialling names we both liked and settled on one. We compromised with the middle name. I didn't want one at all, he very much wanted one, so we went with my mum's name.

OP posts:

StepAwayFromGoogle · 07/12/2019 13:57

You think you are being flexible, OP, but you aren't really. Some of the compromises you put forward were just completely different names. You're just going to have to keep going until you find something you both like.
Your DH has 1000% the same rights as you to like the name of his child. I had hyperemesis twice, pushed out two babies, breast fed and did most of the nights. Still doesn't mean I get to enforce a name my OH doesn't like on him. My DDs don't 'belong' to me more than they do to him.

biggles50 · 07/12/2019 14:01

Not helpful but I know a man called Peter Aiden. Mum wanted Peter, Dad wanted Aiden, neither would back down and he's always been known as Peter Aiden.

Original poster

NoGuarantee · 07/12/2019 14:03

My compromising is to continue letting him know what names I would consider and be happy with, even though I don't love (because he has said no to my top 5). He is not doing the same and just keeps telling me he'll only consider his top 5, no variations or similar names or even attempt to accept other choices, either ones I've suggested or brand new ones.

He just says no to literally everything.

We did that kinder thing. No matches. None. And that'll be because he probably only 'swiped right' on the ones he has already said that we should be discounting (like my favs are discounting).

The PP who said it seems like he is just trying to wear me down (he knows I'm more stressed then him with our son without a name and with dozens of people texting each day) probably has it right. We've been married 10+ years and he knows me well

OP posts:

Original poster

NoGuarantee · 07/12/2019 14:04

Discounted*

OP posts:

FizzyGreenWater · 07/12/2019 14:38

He is not doing the same and just keeps telling me he'll only consider his top 5, no variations or similar names or even attempt to accept other choices, either ones I've suggested or brand new ones.

Then I suggest you simply make an appointment and register the baby yourself.

He's a nasty bully. This is really quite unpleasant behaviour towards someone who has just given birth.

Sounds like the dynamics of this relationship need a reset. I would seriously consider that he's left you no option but to go over his head, as he has told you categorically that he won't compromise and will only accept getting his way at your expense.

FizzyGreenWater · 07/12/2019 14:39

Definitely don't threaten this though, as I am sure he will simply get in before you and register the baby if he suspects that you might do that. (I assume you're married, he couldn't register without you if you're not).

FizzyGreenWater · 07/12/2019 14:39

No suprise that you didn't want a middle name, he did, guess who git a middle name?

RhymingRabbit3 · 07/12/2019 14:48

You both like Aiden and the only reason not to use it is a family friend who you arent close to. I say use that. Maybe spell it differently (Aidsn, Ayden) to make it clear he wasn't named after the friend.

Or a similar name to Aiden
Auden
Kieran
Austin
Aston
Hayden
Landon

Bluebutterfly90 · 07/12/2019 14:53

Don't let yourself be beaten down!
The bloody cheek of him not trying to compromise with you at all. Stay strong OP. You deserve a say on your childs name!

userhdhdhdhd · 07/12/2019 14:58

I've always found this a bit odd. Your child will look like a newborn for a tiny fraction of their life and will look completely different after a few weeks, a month etc so I've never understood changing a name choice purely because the newly born baby doesn't 'suit it'

Pinkblueberry · 07/12/2019 15:19

What kind of functioning couple would do that to each other if it really came to that then I think there must be all kinds of other issues in the relationship.

Mumtotwo82 · 07/12/2019 15:41

Same as rhymingrabbit I would just go for Aiden if you both like it you could have a different spelling or something similar but it's doesn't really matter, is it a really big deal his cousin is called the same thing? You could say he is not named after anyone if the cousin implies he is.

NearlyGranny · 07/12/2019 15:50

I'm with the French on this: C'est la maman qui décide. You pushed him out; you choose his name.

Discuss away, find a name you both like if you can, but accept no veto. Beware DH going alone to register the birth and pulling a fast one! (It has been known.)

PippiDeLena · 07/12/2019 16:04

FizzyGreenWater

He is not doing the same and just keeps telling me he'll only consider his top 5, no variations or similar names or even attempt to accept other choices, either ones I've suggested or brand new ones.

Then I suggest you simply make an appointment and register the baby yourself.

He's a nasty bully. This is really quite unpleasant behaviour towards someone who has just given birth.

I agree with this. Your DH doesn't want to compromise, he's waiting for you to break then he gets his way. He's a twat and I'm actually angry that a woman who's just given birth and is struggling is being pressured like this.

viques · 07/12/2019 16:11

i've got odder ones like Chester

Please go with Chester, especially if your surname is Drawers.

lynzpynz · 07/12/2019 16:21

@NoGuarantee I'm glad he has been helping and looking after 18m old etc. from what you'd said I thought you'd been struggling alone whilst he slept! I'd still say that labour, dealing with piles, stitches and other pain trumps his cold however...

Agree with pp above I feel upset for you you are being pressurised into accepting a name you don't want out of 5 finite choices? It looks like your options are go over his head and pick a name you like or bow down to his stubbornness and let him pick. I know what I'd choose purely due to his complete brick wall approach.

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