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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to leave for one bad night

472 replies

Sherrybabyy · 06/12/2019 16:52

Fiancé and I went to the pub for dinner last night. I was driving so he had a few beers before the meal at the bar. However he ended up absolutely pissed.

He tried to order another beer and they refused to serve him any more. At this point, he started shouting and swearing at the girl behind the bar, banging his fists on the bar asking ‘why won’t you fucking serve me?! It’s a fucking joke’. I have never seen him so angry. His whole body language changed, he looked aggressive- chest puffed out, shoulders back etc.

He ended up being told to leave by the manager who my fiancé accused of touching me inappropriately out of absolutely nowhere. He squared up to him, almost toe to toe, pointed a finger in this poor man’s face and shouted ‘did you fucking touch my wife?’. He then looked at me at yelled ‘did he fucking touch you?’ In front of the whole restaurant. I have never in my life been so mortified and disgusted by his behaviour.

On the way to the car, he was sick twice in the car park and sick all over himself and my car on the way home.

He doesn’t understand why I’m so angry at him. He left for work today feeling sorry for himself, trying to apologise. He said as he was stepping out the door ‘we could’ve stayed longer, I just needed to be sick’

All that from a 31 year old man.

OP posts:
Honeybee85 · 09/12/2019 13:37

More red flags than a parade in North Korea.

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

Brilliant!

MulticolourTinselOnTheTree · 09/12/2019 13:43

OP, it's good that you're getting out, and without the mess being married and/or having DC adds.

He'll try to reel you back in after you leave. You have no reason to be in touch with him afterwards, so just block him, don't talk to him, ignore anything he comes out with.

I left an abuser after 3 decades and DC, I wasted so much time because I was scared to leave. But I'm out now, and it's great. He tried to convince me he'd change if I went back. But he was all mememe, and the language he used told me that he regarded himself as being the victim and me the bad guy, and I knew if I went back it would be worse.

Damntheman · 09/12/2019 14:05

Good for you OP, well done. I hope the move goes well this week!

I firmly believe that alcohol doesn't MAKE a person do anything, but it can amplify the true person within. A nice man does not become suddenly violent when drunk. This man sounds horrific, I'm so sorry this has happened to you. May 2020 bring much better things for you!

Sherrybabyy · 09/12/2019 20:20

Hello everyone, thank you all so much for the support and well wishes!
Today I opened up to my closest friends and they were pretty shocked about everything I had to say. I haven’t told my parents yet but they’re expecting me tomorrow.
Hoping this January really will bring ‘new year, new me’ as cliched as it is!

OP posts:
SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 09/12/2019 20:23

You are amazing, @Sherrybabyy! I wish you every happiness and a wonderful new year and new life.

Sherrybabyy · 09/12/2019 20:24

I truly could not have done this without everyone who posted on here. The best thing I’ve done in a long time was to start this thread! Smile

OP posts:
Sherrybabyy · 09/12/2019 20:25

@SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius thank you so much! Smile I am looking forward to it! I’m excited

OP posts:
justasking111 · 09/12/2019 20:36

Good luck Sherry, onward and upward.

pointythings · 09/12/2019 20:39

Excellent work, Sherry. It can be very hard to have your eyes opened to abuse - it's happening to me right now with regard to the things my late husband said and did around my DDs when I wasn't around. I can't resurrect him and kick him in the nuts, and part of me wishes I could. With hindsight the signs were there... So glad you have found the strength to listen and be honest with yourself.

BobTheBauble · 09/12/2019 22:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

madmumofteens · 10/12/2019 05:06

Best of luck Sherry don't look back 💐

Glitterfisher · 10/12/2019 05:53

@Sherrybabyy wow, you are amazing. So strong!

My XH was like this re the controlling, me having to change stories etc. I couldnt mention anything in the past and I couldnt go out with single friends as he was so jealous. He was rude to my family and friends also.

I didn't have the guts to leave him till I meet someone else (no affair i just knew if you had feelings elsewhere its def over), I wish I had gone sooner as it was awful.
If I'm honest if the drunken night was extremely rare then i don't think i would have left but all the other stuff is horrendous. You are doing the right thing for sure

vitadolce2015 · 10/12/2019 08:36

Well done @Sherrybabyy !! You are so strong. We're all proud of you and so glad you've seen the light Smile

Let us know how it goes today with your parents

Moondancer73 · 10/12/2019 08:54

Well done, hope today goes well for you :)

PompeyBez · 10/12/2019 09:00

Well done OP, will be thinking of you todayFlowers

FizzyGreenWater · 10/12/2019 09:22

Good luck Sherry. You won't look back Flowers

FraglesRock · 10/12/2019 09:29

I presume he'll be all over messaging you ringing you when he realises what's happened. May I suggest you reread your thread when he starts.
Good luck with your new start.

billybagpuss · 10/12/2019 09:37

Well done, good luck this week

notapizzaeater · 10/12/2019 10:19

The fact that you're excited sYs it all, good riddance to him and good luck !

isitpossibleto · 10/12/2019 10:28

Well done. Thank goodness you fo not have children with him. Just think - you are free!

almondfinger · 10/12/2019 10:39

Well done you. Good luck. Great advice on here. He sounds absolutely vile, misogynistic and potentially dangerous.

As others have said do not be afraid to tell friends and family the truth. They will protect you while you heal and move on.

As a mother of two daughters. I would never be disappointed in them, but proud of them for having the one thing I try to instil in them above all - self respect. That's what you have just discovered and I think they will be very proud of you.

What he said to you about your BIL is disgusting. Tell them this, any residual fondness they may have for him will disappear instantly.

lisasimpsonssaxophone · 10/12/2019 11:06

I’ve been reading this thread with my heart in my mouth because you could be me five years ago with every post. I mean every. single. one.

  • drunken altercations with strangers and no real remorse afterwards
  • threatening to hit me
  • incredibly touchy about being ‘laughed at’
  • loads of inappropriate comments about other women and accusing me of fancying his friends or other random guys for no reason
  • repeatedly talking me out of leaving by telling me that I was overreacting or that I was ‘throwing away’ the relationship over nothing
  • falling for the ‘sunken costs fallacy’ and being scared to leave him after so long together

I wish, wish, WISH I had started a thread like this myself years ago as it would have saved me from wasting years more of my life on him. I am so glad you did and that you’ve now told your friends and are planning to tell your parents. Telling people about it is such an important step and will slowly help you to see how wrong everything has been. It will empower you to ignore his ‘reasoning’ when he tries to convince you that you’re wrong to want to leave.

The best advice I can give is to repeat what’s already been said which is that you do NOT need to get him to agree with you before you can leave. I fell into that trap and it kept me there for years because I always felt like I needed him to agree with my feelings before they could be valid.

When he says ‘you’re throwing us away over nothing, you’re overreacting’ and all that you just need to think to yourself ‘ok, that’s your opinion’ and carry on.

So much luck, you deserve so much better! Flowers

Newkitchen123 · 10/12/2019 11:10

Wishing you the best of luck

NeurotrashWarrior · 10/12/2019 11:43

Whoop!

Proud of you ❤️. Do not look back.

More red flags that a parade in North Korea is my new catchphrase 🤣 🇰🇵 🚩

AiryFairyMum · 10/12/2019 11:46

You are doing the right thing. This time next year you will be living a whole new life. Congratulations!