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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to leave for one bad night

472 replies

Sherrybabyy · 06/12/2019 16:52

Fiancé and I went to the pub for dinner last night. I was driving so he had a few beers before the meal at the bar. However he ended up absolutely pissed.

He tried to order another beer and they refused to serve him any more. At this point, he started shouting and swearing at the girl behind the bar, banging his fists on the bar asking ‘why won’t you fucking serve me?! It’s a fucking joke’. I have never seen him so angry. His whole body language changed, he looked aggressive- chest puffed out, shoulders back etc.

He ended up being told to leave by the manager who my fiancé accused of touching me inappropriately out of absolutely nowhere. He squared up to him, almost toe to toe, pointed a finger in this poor man’s face and shouted ‘did you fucking touch my wife?’. He then looked at me at yelled ‘did he fucking touch you?’ In front of the whole restaurant. I have never in my life been so mortified and disgusted by his behaviour.

On the way to the car, he was sick twice in the car park and sick all over himself and my car on the way home.

He doesn’t understand why I’m so angry at him. He left for work today feeling sorry for himself, trying to apologise. He said as he was stepping out the door ‘we could’ve stayed longer, I just needed to be sick’

All that from a 31 year old man.

OP posts:
dontalltalkatonce · 07/12/2019 16:59

Grab your bag and leave. It's always like this with abusive people, hence why 'it's just a one off' never is. Please get away from him AND do the Freedom Programme before ever even thinking of dating again. Read 'Why Does He Do That' and 'Living with The Dominator'.

Up your standards by A LOT and dump anyone for red flags immediately before it even becomes a relationship. ANYONE who drinks too much, shows aggression when drinking, drinks so much they piss anywhere besides the toilet or vomit outside the toilet (grow up!), just get some good boundaries in place.

diddl · 07/12/2019 17:04

"‘stop acting like you want his dick down your throat!"

What a crude thing to say.

He's utterly revolting, isn't he?

I hope that you get away soon-what a lovely present to yourself Christmas without him would be!

FizzyGreenWater · 07/12/2019 17:06

Good that you're getting angry. He's a pig. Your updates are so unsurprising.

More stuff to add to the pile of 'no it ISN'T just a one off'. Make a list. You can email it to him when he starts his gaslighting 'don't do something you'll regret' bullshit. 'Hi Ex. No, I won't regret this decision. See the attached for a handy list of why not.'

pointythings · 07/12/2019 17:14

I'm so glad that the scales are falling from your eyes and that realisation is setting in. Now you can operate from a position of strength - plan your exit, make sure you have a safe place to go to, sort out any financial connections you have with him, then go.

WhereYouLeftIt · 07/12/2019 17:19

"I now remember so much that I’d previously shrugged off."
Excellent. I'd say what you are experiencing is the scales falling from your eyes. I think you've been convincing yourself for a while that you still love him - and now you've accepted that you don't. You're no longer seeing him through the filter of being in a relationship with him, you're seeing him as he is, in the cold light of day.

Move to your parents ASAP, and be completely truthful about him. Be truthful about how many times you've accepted his insincere apologies and promises, but that enough is enough. Give them the blow-by-blow of his latest fuck-up. Do NOT gloss over anything, bring them up to speed. This is not the time for embarrassment, show your respect for them by being truthful. They will not be disappointed, they will be grateful that you have trusted them to come to them, grateful that you've removed yourself from this man and relieved that you will be safe with them.

WhereYouLeftIt · 07/12/2019 17:20

Oh, and fab posts from FizzyGreenWater.

eternallybaffled · 07/12/2019 17:24

But remember, he's only done all these things once. That's what he'll say. He will downplay everything. And he will make you think you're being unreasonable wanting to end it and 'not work at things'. You don't need to try and defend your reasons to end it. These things he's done are awful. But you don't owe him anything, never mind any sort of explanation

plightofthealbatross · 07/12/2019 17:32

Of course he wants you to forgive and forget it immediately, and is insisting you go out this weekend drinking with your friends SO HE CAN COME, TOO.

Please just leave at your first opportunity. Pack your stuff and go to your parenets!

BlaueLagune · 07/12/2019 17:32

Even without your later updates I would have said that one night like that WOULD be enough to make me walk. You're not married, you have no ties, do it.

As for the comment about your brother, he is really nasty isn't he?

However, please make sure you have somewhere safe to go. I worry that with a character like this, you could become a domestic violence statistic even though you say he's not hit you before.

Ellie56 · 07/12/2019 17:34

Let him go out with his friends while you stay at home and pack your stuff.

Dieu · 07/12/2019 17:37

Oh dear. His behaviour was appallingly bad, but worryingly, he didn't take responsibility afterwards or think he had done anything wrong. I would get out. Unless someone is a lovely drunk, they're not worth having!

DeathStare · 07/12/2019 17:45

I've been in abusive relationships in the past. One thing that has changed in my mindset is realising that I don't actually need a reason to leave someone. I don't have to justify it to them. They don't have to agree that the reason is a good one. In fact making me feel like I need to be able to justify why I leave, making me feel like they have to agree that I should leave.... it's all part of the abuse.

The only reason you need to leave a relationship is because you want to. Other people can think that your reason is justified or they can think it is silly. It matters not one jot. You don't owe someone a relationship just because they don't agree with your reason for leaving it.

Think about it..... would you want a partner (who you cared for) to stay with you when they really didn't want to? I know I wouldn't. Sure I would feel hurt, sad, upset, angry, let down maybe that they wanted to leave. But ultimately if they didn't want to be with me I wouldn't want them to stay because they felt they had to.

If you think about all the relationships that each person has in their life time, there are are way more relationships that don't work out than ones that do. Most of the time when relationships split up, the split is decided by one person rather than it being by mutual agreement. One person decides that they no longer want to be in the relationship any more so the relationship ends. It doesn't carry on until both people agree that it ends. If that was the case, most people would be in the first relationship they have forever. That's just the way relationships work, and if one person (your "D"P in this case) thinks that someone else is obliged to stay in a relationship with them until both of them agree that it's time to split up, then frankly that person isn't ready to be in a relationship. And you can bet your bottom dollar they wouldn't feel the same if the boot was on the other foot - if he decided he wasn't at all happy in your relationship and wanted out, he wouldn't stay just because you didn't agree with his reasons.

You don't need to justify your reasons for leaving to him. You don't need his permission or agreement to leave. You want to leave. That is enough. And if he loved you, and if he cared whether you were happy, it would be enough for him too.

OceanVillage · 07/12/2019 17:47

The sooner you get away from him the better, he's vile!

MissingMySleep · 07/12/2019 18:14

Ignore everything he says. Go with your gut, which is telling you to leave. You deserve to be with someone that makes you feel relaxed, happy and carefree.

lynxca16 · 07/12/2019 18:30

Leave now, you have seen two red flags and the latest was only this morning when he did see/refused to see your distress at his behaviour last night.
I agree with others posting here - he may try to make it up to you but and its a big but if you decide to continue with this relationship will have to live with his behaviour.
Being honest life isn't worth putting up with this Trust. me. on. this.

pigoons · 07/12/2019 18:57

Make sure you have your finances in order before you go OP.

Original poster
Sherrybabyy · 07/12/2019 19:02

Thank you everyone. I’m planning on taking a day off work ‘sick’ this week so I can get all my stuff packed while he’s at work

OP posts:
FizzyGreenWater · 07/12/2019 19:06

Do you rent together Sherry?

diddl · 07/12/2019 19:09

Hope all goes well & that you get away as planned.

Throckmorton · 07/12/2019 19:24

Excellent news that you are leaving him. Do be careful though - he's shown you he is violent and likes having his own way. I would try to make sure he has no idea you are going, until you are already gone.

Zaphodsotherhead · 07/12/2019 19:29

acting like you want his dick down your throat

Is it just me or does it seem that men who are abusive seem to treat oral sex as though it's some kind of 'gift' that men bestow upon women? I've come (sorry) across a few of these, and they don't seem to consider that giving a man oral sex isn't always a bundle of fun for the woman, but they think she should be honored that he wants her to suck his cock.

MerchantOfVenom · 07/12/2019 19:41

Good luck Sherry. You are doing the right thing.

Make sure you get some real life support in preparation for this.Thanks

BrightYellowDaffodil · 07/12/2019 20:16

Oh @Sherrybabyy, I am so relieved you have decided to leave.

Like you, I stayed for so long. Even after the time he humiliated me in front of my own parents, the time he put me down in front of friends, the time he criticised me publicly for not doing enough around the house, the time he flew into a rage and screamed at me, the times he manipulated me into doing what he wanted, the times I was cold shouldered and ignored if I didn’t want sex, the time I found myself cowering away from him.

Please don’t be ashamed or feel that this reflects badly on you because these types of men so often seem to relish targeting strong women - what better “proof” of their manhood than to be able to subjugate and control a strong woman? And please don’t think that your parents were disappointed. I fled back to my parents in the end and I NEVER felt they were disappointed, only angry at my ex once I began to tell them the truth and sorry that I’d gone through what I did.

You’ve done the hardest part now in making that decision to leave. Once you’ve gone, I can’t pretend it will be easy to start with but soon you will feel like you can breathe again, not having to be careful of what you say all the time, and not having to live with the fear. Going through the crap of leaving is worth it for the freedom, I promise.

FraglesRock · 07/12/2019 20:25

Good plan. Are you financially independent? Linked via your housing etc

madmumofteens · 07/12/2019 20:44

Good luck Sherry 💐

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