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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to leave for one bad night

472 replies

Sherrybabyy · 06/12/2019 16:52

Fiancé and I went to the pub for dinner last night. I was driving so he had a few beers before the meal at the bar. However he ended up absolutely pissed.

He tried to order another beer and they refused to serve him any more. At this point, he started shouting and swearing at the girl behind the bar, banging his fists on the bar asking ‘why won’t you fucking serve me?! It’s a fucking joke’. I have never seen him so angry. His whole body language changed, he looked aggressive- chest puffed out, shoulders back etc.

He ended up being told to leave by the manager who my fiancé accused of touching me inappropriately out of absolutely nowhere. He squared up to him, almost toe to toe, pointed a finger in this poor man’s face and shouted ‘did you fucking touch my wife?’. He then looked at me at yelled ‘did he fucking touch you?’ In front of the whole restaurant. I have never in my life been so mortified and disgusted by his behaviour.

On the way to the car, he was sick twice in the car park and sick all over himself and my car on the way home.

He doesn’t understand why I’m so angry at him. He left for work today feeling sorry for himself, trying to apologise. He said as he was stepping out the door ‘we could’ve stayed longer, I just needed to be sick’

All that from a 31 year old man.

OP posts:
justilou1 · 07/12/2019 21:03

I didn’t think you could make him less attractive, but you just did!!! Good for you!!! Get out!!! Head for the hills!!!!

Embracelife · 07/12/2019 21:15

Well done.
Dont tell him you are leaving.
Be ready after for the tears and pleading (ignore)
And then the anger (call police if he is threatening)
Make a pledge to block contact.

PickAChew · 07/12/2019 21:23

Ugh. He sounds truly vile. Keep your cards close to your chest while you're making plans to leave because he's going to have an almighty tantrum when he realises he's losing his grip.

The best of us have left it too long to leave an arsehole, btw. It often takes a tipping point like the other night.

Ellie56 · 07/12/2019 21:33

Ew! He sounds more and more vile with every update.

As others have said take care with your plans to leave.

WizardOfAus · 07/12/2019 21:52

Go go go!

YouretheChristmasCarcass · 07/12/2019 21:58

Leaving when he's at work is a good plan. Call your parents and tell them your plans. If you are financially linked (joint accounts or debits) find out how to 'unlink' yourself. If internet, phone, or utilities are in your name, cancel them or take him off the account. Change your passwords. Do this as soon as you walk out the door or when you arrive at your destination.

TheVandalsTookTheHandles · 07/12/2019 22:11

How were you brought up that makes you think this is Ok? It is not ok.

poorstudent1010 · 07/12/2019 22:14

Please let your parents / loved ones know what’s going on, you need support!

You have absolutely made the right decision. He may have redeeming qualities occasionally, but for YEARS he has treated you awfully.

At the very best, he’s just a shit partner, but in reality he’s manipulative, abusive and controlling.

You need to flourish elsewhere and move on.

MirkwoodMiss · 07/12/2019 22:22

Convenient that he can't remember- but are you sure you won't feel the slightest bit anxious, next time he has a good drink? Trust me, it's not worth it. You can't put a price on peace of mind and you are not going to have this with him. Sorry.

nilcarborundum · 07/12/2019 22:25

My drinky ex never apologised for his behaviour, and would get really angry if you reminded him what he'd done the night before. I left him in the end Angry

lisag1969 · 07/12/2019 23:03

If he can't handle drink but won't give it up ,walk away. He will behave like this every time he drinks. You don't need this.

MerchantOfVenom · 07/12/2019 23:35

Please read the thread before posting, people. Or at least the OP's updates.

Stillfunny · 07/12/2019 23:38

Him : " Why are you leaving me ?"
Reply : "Because I want to. Because I can."

Best of luck .Hope 2020 brings you the love and happiness you deserve.Crown Smile

Laalaalee · 07/12/2019 23:47

I’ve read your updates and he sounds horrendous. And good luck with leaving!

FWIW if my dh acted like that I would be so concerned that he was suffering a mental health crisis or brain tumour or something I would take the dc and leave and make him seek urgent treatment.

That is horrendous behaviour and if it was so out of character (in your case I don’t actually think it was, he has always shown a disrespectful and aggressive side to him) then it needs investigating.

Creepster · 08/12/2019 00:48

Your parents will understand that you stayed because of the sunk cost logical fallacy. We have all made mistakes based on that particular logical fallacy, and I am sure they have too.

JingsMahBucket · 08/12/2019 01:33

@Sherrybabyy Repeating for emphasis: change your passwords, especially for your banking, email, and computer. Social media too, if you have them but I’d also block him on those platforms.

TeaForTara · 08/12/2019 02:19

I could tell from your earlier posts that you would remember other abusive or nasty incidents once you started thinking about it. He really sounds like a nasty piece of work. Wanting to go out together is a way of getting you to “get over it” and keep you off balance.

Once you get out, he will go into overdrive trying to get you back. He will be nice as pie, remind you of the good times, apologise, promise you the Earth. Tell you you’re over reacting and you’re spoiling everything for no reason.

Write down all the bad things and keep re-reading it if you feel tempted to go back.

FinallyHere · 08/12/2019 14:42

fear of ‘giving up too soon’ because I know that’s what my fiancé will say

He has got to think of something to convince you because his behaviour is not such that would encourage you to stay.

He knows which words and sentiments will resonate with you. He uses words to trip you up and make you doubt your reaction.

Well, he would say that, wouldn't he.

As PP have pointed out, as soon as he thinks you are getting away, he will change to a different part of the script.

Well done for seeing this for what it is. Another vote from me for the https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

Countryescape · 08/12/2019 15:10

Well I’m glad you are leaving . Although I don’t understand you original post making out like he’d never acted badly before, when actually he had done loads of disgusting stuff and was treating you like crap.

cordeliavorkosigan · 08/12/2019 15:37

The op is remembering more incidents than in her first post because the scales are falling from her eyes.
You don’t have to convince him of anything and it seems very likely that he won’t agree that you have great reasons to separate. He doesn’t have to agree.
A series of unique shitty things isn’t ok just because they are all unique, just because for each one it’s that one’s first time ever. Ridiculous. But really you don’t need to convince him. Just leave, and tell people in real life.
telling you how you’re going to feel is both controlling and infantilising.

Notodontidae · 08/12/2019 16:55

Make a note of the Electric meter reading with a photo, remove any photos of you in compromising situations. copy phone records up to the day you leave unless you have your own phones, take a spare key just in case you forget a passport, birth certificate etc. I wish you well for the future.

Serin · 08/12/2019 17:11

I wish my Mother had walked away from my Father the first time he acted like that.
Then mine and DSis's childhoods would not have been marred by his angry violent drunken outbursts.
I would walk OP, especially since he shows no real remorse.

perfectstorm · 09/12/2019 12:44

I don’t understand you original post making out like he’d never acted badly before, when actually he had done loads of disgusting stuff and was treating you like crap.

@Countryescape this is how abuse often works, and why it's so hard to leave. The way people survive the cognitive dissonence of someone claiming to love them, while hurting them, is to view each incident in isolation and then block thinking about it. You know the saying, can't see the wood for the trees? That. Each individual incident is a tree, and you deal with one at a time. It's too much to take a step back, and see the fucking forest. OP is now doing that and it's a shock. This is really normal - it's a way of surviving the horrendous, and it's psychologically useful in situations you can't change - it got me through cancer treatment, where you need to take each step at a time or it would all be too awful to deal with - but traps you when it's a situation you can, actually, leave. OP is now, hopefully, realising this and will do so.

LadyGrey1013 · 09/12/2019 13:08

This man has more red flags that a parade in North Korea. Do not marry him. That'll be the green light he needs to stop suppressing his nasty violent streak.

JudasHisCarrot · 09/12/2019 13:26

How are you OP?