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Original poster

I am being precious re possessions

240 replies

Redbauble · 06/12/2019 14:59

Hi all, sorry if this gets long. My dh and I are in disagreement today, growing up I was always told to look after my things and keep them nice, at the time i thought my dad was a pain in the arse for saying it but it has rubbed off on me. I dont have loads but i treat my things nicely. Dh is a bit of a scruff, he works outdoors with dirty boots and tools etc and over the years we've had several tiffs about him mistreating my things. It's not every week or anything but the following two recent incidents have really annoyed me.

For my birthday in the summer my mum got me a lovely travel mug, very pretty and probably expensive for a travel mug. Anyway I love. A few days after my birthday dh had it ready to fill and I asked him not to as it was mine and I wanted it kept nice and i knew hed stick it in the dishwasher or itd end up outside for days. He thought me terribly precious but i didn't see why he couldnt use the older ones and i could keep this one nice for work.

Anyway over time he kept wanting to use it and I'd have to dig it out his van. Anyway hes put it through the dishwasher (maybe once maybe more) and now its ruined. It's a petty thing to be upset about but it's more the principle, why couldnt I have this nice thing just for me?

Other recent example is that i bought an expensive cleaning set, hes been told time and time again to wash his tools outside, I buy him things to use to clean them but he always end up messing up the house or taking things. The set I bought including a special sponge, (again a pretty thing) I cant remember what it's called but I really like it.

Well last night i found it in shreds in the sink and hes used it for his tools. I was really cross and said that it wasnt for his tools but he rolled his eyes and said "well it did the job" again the principle of this has annoyed me. He has other things he can use but didn't. He tried to tell me that how can we expect dd to share if i wont but my arguement was I dont expect dd to share every little thing and i dont expect her to share if her toys arent going to be respected. If happily let him use these things of he treat them how I do. These are just two examples but there are many more. Am I just pathetic?

OP posts:
Goldenchildsmum · 07/12/2019 08:06

Your DH is deliberately ignoring your requests. You're not asking for much, but he thinks you're wrong so he's ignoring you.

TheStuffedPenguin · 07/12/2019 08:16

Let me guess - you don't have children?

mathanxiety · 07/12/2019 08:23

The thing with the coat - that is a big, loud, 'Fuck You'.

DameFanny · 07/12/2019 08:24

Guess again penguin - or RTFT

00100001 · 07/12/2019 08:24

@BillywilliamV

So if I come round your house, and find that you really treasure a particular item let's say it's a muc your child bought you after they'd saved up their pocket money for weeks. And it says "I love you Billy" and it means everything to you.
It's your special mug from your child. Everyone knows this.
Then one day, your DP wants something to use a holder for their paint, they want to paint the cupboard door. They could use anything else. But they decide to use your mug. The mug that means a lot to you. They get gloss all over it, chip it and break the handle because they were being careless.

You'd be ok with that?? No problem at all??
You'd think they were being reasonable using your treasured mug for that purpose and ruining it?

After all, It's just a mug....
Confused

00100001 · 07/12/2019 08:27

@feistymumma

Just possessions.

Ok, I'm just gonna come round to your house, key your car, and slash the tyres.
It's ok though, you can't get cross or angry.... Cars are just possessions.

Waveysnail · 07/12/2019 08:28

I'd get upset. I have norwex cloths for cleaning that are pricey - dh has been given.form warning

RhiWrites · 07/12/2019 08:42

What did he say when you pointed out he’d ruined the mug?

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 07/12/2019 08:48

Let me guess - you don't have children?

Don’t be so fucking ignorant.

AwkwardPaws27 · 07/12/2019 09:04

He's being an arse.
You are allowed to have things that are yours.

I actually disagree with some posters saying using the cleaning stuff was ok as he wasn't just using some of the nice soap - you said the sponge was shredded and left in the sink. It clearly wasn't the right tool for the job and he didn't even clean up afterwards. I don't think it's unreasonable to expect a grown man to use an old cloth or sponge to clean tools, rather than a new one. His reaction says a lot - he could have said "I'm sorry, I didn't realise" but instead he rolled his eyes at you.

sanityisamyth · 07/12/2019 09:08

My ExH was like this. The most serious example was my car. I'd had successions of old bangers. He didn't drive and saw no reason to learn. He'd never needed to and now had a chauffeur.

Once I caught the bottom of the Freelander on a rock in a hedge (needed to pull in quickly for another oncoming car). There wasn't any damage but I got weeks of him sulking and making snide comments and jokes. He thought it was hilarious to have a good laugh with his mates at my expense.

A friend of mine had a really serious car crash in her brand new car but walked away unscathed because it had so many air bags and crumple zones etc. I wouldn't have stood a chance in my then R reg Clio. I asked then DH if we could get a new car as we were thinking of TTC and I was getting worried about putting a baby in a death trap.

We bought my absolute dream car using a loan (in his name at least this time!). He also needed to learn to drive as his job was further away. So we had my brand new car (bought with 7 miles OTC) and an older car for him (for the horses and hay/hair etc).

I wrote off 3 cars within 6 months of passing his test by driving into the back of other cars/buses/rubbish lorries. Not joking.

He then said he wanted to drive my car to work as he had a longer drive. I was on maternity leave at the point. I said I REALLY wasn't happy with him driving my then 2 year old car with his previous history of crashes. He ignored me.

The front wing has got multiple deep gouges down it where he hit a motorbike (luckily at low speed and the cyclist was fine) but the bike went up on the bonnet.
The left hand wing mirror was knocked off by a wall in another incident.
Every corner has got scrapes around it where he's not looked when parking - either rubbing against walls or other cars.

He never made ANY attempt to repair any of the damage and if I made a comment I got shouted at. Wouldn't have dared have a laugh about it with my mates, not that I found any of it remotely funny.

He crashed another 2 cars after he finished with mine.

ChoccieEClaire · 07/12/2019 09:10

It's got nothing to do with the items, it comes down to him choosing not to listen to your wishes and respecting what is important to you.
I would feel exactly the same as you in those instances

sanityisamyth · 07/12/2019 09:11

*HE wrote off 3 cars. Not me!!

SummerPavillion · 07/12/2019 09:16

I think OP's gone and I hope she's ok and didn't have a horrible seeing the light moment. Though I hope she is taking it seriously now and no longer worries that she's "pathetic".

I wonder how men like this are with other people's feelings. Is there a correlation? I bet there is.

Xh didn't damage my things, but he didn't ever do anything to take care of them, or buy me anything nice (after the first couple of years), and that reflects exactly how he was with my feelings - flat out ignored them.

That's my theory. So the sponge/mug/coat are not relevant in themselves, it's what it says about his kindness and respect.

user1494050295 · 07/12/2019 09:17

This thread isn't about possessions but about respect

Verily1 · 07/12/2019 09:19

It sounds like he doesn’t respect you.

The coat thing is worst of all.

Does he respect you in bed?

Is your money shared and equal?

RebootYourEngine · 07/12/2019 09:48

I think it depends on how he treats his own possessions. If he is the same with his own things than with the OPs then I don't see that as abusive just careless. However if he treats his things nice and OPs like rubbish then that's abusive.

It's ok to not want to share everything that is yours. Somethings are more special than others. It's all about respect.

CharityDingle · 07/12/2019 09:52

So the sponge/mug/coat are not relevant in themselves, it's what it says about his kindness and respect.

Exactly. And for those who have tried to rubbish the OP's feelings, perhaps they need to think about their own relationships, and if there is something similar going on with them. It might be a reality they don't want to face.

Original poster
Redbauble · 07/12/2019 10:05

Hi sorry I have read all the replies I've just be rushing about with the kids

Yes I have children, my 4yo treats her things lovely and honestly my house is chaos but I try and look after things. I dont expect everything to be perfect just a bit of thought. My daughter loves her lego but her cousin sets about smashing it all up so when he comes over we dont get the Lego out and they play with other things. She'll happily share it with those who look after it which is the point. My husband was asked not to use that specific travel mug as I knew hed damage it and he did.

For those asking he doesn't treat his things particularly nicely. I just dont think it crosses his mind. He new i was upset about the cup but in his mind it really is just a cup and he cant get past that. I have used the joint acc to order another yesterday after reading the replies

And yes I know the sponge sounds daft but his tools are heavy duty and generally covered in animal shit (he works in agriculture) so i feel anyone with half a brain would know not to use it. Even once he realised it was tearing it he could have stopped

Thank you all for the replies

OP posts:
Vulpine · 07/12/2019 10:08

I cant get past the cup either. Is it really worth all this pain and angst. Its a cup.

1300cakes · 07/12/2019 10:34

If it's just a cup, why did he want to use it so badly? There were plenty of other cups to use. It's not like he just grabbed whatever was available - he actually went out of his way to use it.

He can't have it both ways. Either he does care about possessions so he should respect what OP asked, or he doesn't in which case he would be fine using any available cup. Seems like he actually cared an awful lot - why?

JKScot4 · 07/12/2019 10:34

@NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1
That is chilling to read his behaviour, glad you caught him out and got rid.

00100001 · 07/12/2019 10:38

@Vulpine. I point you to my earlier post I tagged you in.

Is it “just” a cup?

00100001 · 07/12/2019 10:39

@Vulpine ☝🏼

00100001 · 07/12/2019 10:40

“so let's say you had a REALLY NICE blanket your Nan made you 30+ years ago, and you love it and cherish it. Your DH knows how much this blanket means to you.

Then one day, your DH decides to use it to cover the dining table, then puts all his dirty tools on it - lays them out on it, so he can clean them. Once he's finished, you find that it's stained with grease, and a bit ripped, where he decided to use the corner of it to clean a spanner. your Nan's blanket is now ruined.

You'd be OK with that?”

@Vulpine

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