I am being precious re possessions

[Redbauble]

Hi all, sorry if this gets long. My dh and I are in disagreement today, growing up I was always told to look after my things and keep them nice, at the time i thought my dad was a pain in the arse for saying it but it has rubbed off on me. I dont have loads but i treat my things nicely. Dh is a bit of a scruff, he works outdoors with dirty boots and tools etc and over the years we've had several tiffs about him mistreating my things. It's not every week or anything but the following two recent incidents have really annoyed me.

For my birthday in the summer my mum got me a lovely travel mug, very pretty and probably expensive for a travel mug. Anyway I love. A few days after my birthday dh had it ready to fill and I asked him not to as it was mine and I wanted it kept nice and i knew hed stick it in the dishwasher or itd end up outside for days. He thought me terribly precious but i didn't see why he couldnt use the older ones and i could keep this one nice for work.

Anyway over time he kept wanting to use it and I'd have to dig it out his van. Anyway hes put it through the dishwasher (maybe once maybe more) and now its ruined. It's a petty thing to be upset about but it's more the principle, why couldnt I have this nice thing just for me?

Other recent example is that i bought an expensive cleaning set, hes been told time and time again to wash his tools outside, I buy him things to use to clean them but he always end up messing up the house or taking things. The set I bought including a special sponge, (again a pretty thing) I cant remember what it's called but I really like it.

Well last night i found it in shreds in the sink and hes used it for his tools. I was really cross and said that it wasnt for his tools but he rolled his eyes and said "well it did the job" again the principle of this has annoyed me. He has other things he can use but didn't. He tried to tell me that how can we expect dd to share if i wont but my arguement was I dont expect dd to share every little thing and i dont expect her to share if her toys arent going to be respected. If happily let him use these things of he treat them how I do. These are just two examples but there are many more. Am I just pathetic?

[tikitent]

I can see the other side of this as my partner is like you and everything has to remain perfect and it's really annoying. But I wouldn't touch his new travel mug, especially when asked not to so I find that quite rude and disrespectful. The cleaning set is a bit precious though.

[TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup]

I'm on your side OP. It's disrespectful to not treat other's possessions with respect, regardless of how you treat your own.

[DameFanny]

Yanbu. I'm guessing the cleaning set was designed for a lighter duty than whatever he ruined it on?

He's being an inconsiderate arse. And that he's deliberately targeting things you've asked him not to use makes me wonder what else he does that's selfish or controlling.

Ask him - why doesn't he wasn't you to have nice things?

[Lllot5]

I think this deliberate too. Out of all the mugs he has to use yours and not treat it properly. Jealous because he hasn’t got one or jealous of the relationship you have with your mum. Prick.

[dontalltalkatonce]

So does he trash things that are of value to him? I'd be pissed off about the mug, but I'd probably have hidden it if I lived with someone who trashed shit (which I wouldn't to begin with).

[Disfordarkchocolate]

He's being an arse and he doesn't respect you. He's not a nice person.

[thenightsky]

DH has a tendency to do this. He has dyspraxia, so I do have to forgive a lot of his breaking things through clumsiness. But its a fine line between dyspraxia and general carelessness.

I make a point of showing my disappointment if he wrecks something of mine, and he does replace things a lot.

YANBU.

[Tooner]

I get the cleaning cloths problem. OP bought cloths etc for him to clean his manky outside stuff and if he used the cleaning stuff meant for kitchen use then this is just being lazy, perhaps grabbing the first thing to hand or just not giving a shite about what he ruins. He's either very thoughtless or a bit of a twat.

[Cobblersandhogwash]

It doesn't matter if it was a safety pin that you didn't want him to use.

The fact is you had asked him politely not to use certain things of yours.

Why can't he respect that?

It's not hard to avoid using other people's stuff.

He's rude and dismissive of your preferences.

You must feel really special.

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Im on your dhs side. I can't get too worked up about posessions That's fine when it's your own possessions, but you have no tight to mistreat other people's possessions.

[BlaueLagune]

I coulnd't get too worked up about the sponge, although as you say it's part of a pattern of using household cleaning items for messy outside stuff.

In terms of the mug that was mean of him. If MIL or SIL bought my DH something I wouldn't use it without asking him as it is his. And if he didn't want me to use it I might think he was being a bit precious but I wouldn't go out of my way to use it, after all in this example it's easy enough to get your own travel mug. I wouldn't be impressed in your shoes.

[user1471449295]

He’s out of order, and you aren’t being precious. He thinks he has rights to everything.

[MumW]

Find out where your mum got it from and make him replace it. Ditto the cleaning set.
If it comes down to him not wanting you to have 'nice' things and is deliberately destroying them, then LTB.
use his favourite cd as a coffee mat or to scrape ice of the car windscreen

[HelloIsitXmasTreeYoureLookingF]

I'm with you, OP.

I kept a really lovely cup at my house for coffee when my Father stayed overnight. After he died my partner kept using the cup despite me telling him not to and getting very upset.

I wrapped it up and put it into storage in the end as he wasn't listening and I would have been so upset if it broke.

Can he get you a replacement travel mug?

[Redbauble]

Thank you again, I'm not like this over much just every now and again this issue crops up. I've known him knock my coat off the hook onto the floor and hang his up and leave mine in a mess which again is a little thing but why do it? Just treat things nicely

[User478]

This is so annoying.

DH breaks my things (I am sure it is by accident) by not being careful. Then gets really upset about breaking them, so I can't be annoyed. Then gives me a replacement for Christmas/Birthdays so I don't get a "proper" present.

[LaurieFairyCake]

In our house if you break something you replace it.

I have loads of things that I like and everything is chosen carefully with an eye on them lasting forever.

So i would replace the mug and the entire cleaning set and tell him it costs £X and if it gets ruined again I will keep replacing it.

^^ just matter of factly - not with annoyance

[Redbauble]

Wow @SonEtLumiere bit harsh

I'd happily share everything I own I just want things treat nicely. My dad was in no way abusive he just taught us to look after things

[WeBuiltCisCityOnSexistRoles]

"Anyone who holds the view that their “loved one” is not fit to touch their stuff is quite disgusting. It is not in any way loving or kind."

Oh bollocks. My DH is an artist. If I used one of his expensive special sketching pencils to scribble my shopping list and then broke it, I would be being an arse. It's not that people "aren't fit to touch" others stuff is about being considerate of your partners' feelings, not just the possessions!

[MrsElijahMikaelson1]

I don’t believe you’re being petty over either issue tbh.

Using “nice“ cleaning items for domestic cleaning is one thing; utilising them to wash work tools so that they disintegrate from one use is obviously another and he clearly needs to use heavy duty cleaning stuff. And wrecking your birthday present is bastard treatment.
He’s a wanker who knows full well it upsets you but does it anyway.

[WeBuiltCisCityOnSexistRoles]

It's like OP's DH walking over their new, lovely carpets with filthy work boots and not giving a shit that she is upset. If that was a thread I'm sure OP would be judged definitely NBU. She sure wouldn't be called "nasty abusive and disgusting" FFS

[Tooner]

Ok yes he's definitely a twat to knock your coat off the hook, that is just plain nasty. Does he actually have any redeeming features?

[NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1]

OP I just wanted to add, your update has worried me a little.

My ex used to do awful sly things all the time, starting with little things like breaking precious mugs. He then moved on to going out to my car to look for something in it and leaving it unlocked all night (he did this every night). His was never left accidently unlocked.

Also, and I think I've mentioned this on mumsnet before. I had 3 kids very close in age and I used to load the dishwasher after dinner and put it on because I always liked to empty it at night ready for the busy school morning ahead. He always always found a reason to open the door to add something in it and then "forget" to close it. So when I went to empty it before bed, it hadn't even started and it would then be extra work for me in the morning, I used to get really upset. Anyway, one day I had just started to watch him because I wondered whether he was doing stuff deliberately and he went into the kitchen and opened the dishwasher door without even putting anything in there. So then I knew it was deliberate. It was very hurtful and I filed for divorce soon after.

I'm not saying your husband is doing this of course but I will say this - take a step back and observe his behaviour closely.

[burntpinky]

Omg yes! My DH breaks bloody everything in sight! He’s an absolute brute and in fact, I sing that Taylor Swift song at him “this is why we can’t have nice things” whenever he breaks anything.

YADNBU!!!