I am being precious re possessions

[Redbauble]

Hi all, sorry if this gets long. My dh and I are in disagreement today, growing up I was always told to look after my things and keep them nice, at the time i thought my dad was a pain in the arse for saying it but it has rubbed off on me. I dont have loads but i treat my things nicely. Dh is a bit of a scruff, he works outdoors with dirty boots and tools etc and over the years we've had several tiffs about him mistreating my things. It's not every week or anything but the following two recent incidents have really annoyed me.

For my birthday in the summer my mum got me a lovely travel mug, very pretty and probably expensive for a travel mug. Anyway I love. A few days after my birthday dh had it ready to fill and I asked him not to as it was mine and I wanted it kept nice and i knew hed stick it in the dishwasher or itd end up outside for days. He thought me terribly precious but i didn't see why he couldnt use the older ones and i could keep this one nice for work.

Anyway over time he kept wanting to use it and I'd have to dig it out his van. Anyway hes put it through the dishwasher (maybe once maybe more) and now its ruined. It's a petty thing to be upset about but it's more the principle, why couldnt I have this nice thing just for me?

Other recent example is that i bought an expensive cleaning set, hes been told time and time again to wash his tools outside, I buy him things to use to clean them but he always end up messing up the house or taking things. The set I bought including a special sponge, (again a pretty thing) I cant remember what it's called but I really like it.

Well last night i found it in shreds in the sink and hes used it for his tools. I was really cross and said that it wasnt for his tools but he rolled his eyes and said "well it did the job" again the principle of this has annoyed me. He has other things he can use but didn't. He tried to tell me that how can we expect dd to share if i wont but my arguement was I dont expect dd to share every little thing and i dont expect her to share if her toys arent going to be respected. If happily let him use these things of he treat them how I do. These are just two examples but there are many more. Am I just pathetic?

[Halestorm]

He treats your things like shit. Deliberately.

So you've two options - either retaliate in kind by taking his newest favourite and discontinued top and use it to scrub shit stains off the toilet, with bleach. Or, you can take his bank card each and every time and buy yourself a replacement on him. Or both...?

[mbosnz]

I do not understand the need to have your own mug. Why cant you share it?

Because it was special to her because her mother had bought it for her for her birthday, and she felt that if her husband used it, he'd ruin it. Which, he did.

I don't share my stuff with people that treat it like shit. Or with people who treat me like shit by treating my stuff like shit.

[00100001]

My DH does this a bit too.... just bloody ruins things.

like he'll take one of the kitchen cloths and used for whatever he feels like... one comes back covered in fucking solder, another has some sort of weird plaster of paris on it, and one is now permanently stained black >:( they live in hos van now.

I wouldn't mind, but he has van full of bloody rags and old towels... why take the nice kitchen ones??


every so often he tries to take MY travel mug, because it;s ceramic and he likes ceramic ones. He has TWO of his own that he uses them daily, but leaves them in his van, so tries to snaffle mine - when he hasn't got a clean one. I decant it into the bamboo one he doesn't like as much. this is justified because he's had SIX ceramic ones the last 3 years, because he bloody breaks them all the time by not looking after them

He's not breaking mine!

[Lizzie0869]

YANBU about the mug, as it was a present and you'd asked him not to put it in the dishwasher. That does sound deliberate to me. It was precious to you and he should at the least be very apologetic about it, which it doesn't sound like he has been.

I think YABU about the cleaning set, I can't imagine getting worked up about that. Although your DH's attitude would upset me, as he doesn't appear to care about your feelings.

[HundredMilesAnHour]

Your DH sounds like a spiteful man. The travel mug incident and the leaving your coat on the floor (but not his!) sound deliberate. He wants to upset you. On purpose. What other things does he do OP? This is starting to sound like he's a nasty piece of work.

[SevenStones]

What the actual objects are doesn't really matter. It's about the lack of respect being shown when the OP has requested her husband doesn't use specific things.

OP, he's showing you he doesn't respect you or care what you say. I wouldn't have said he necessarily did this deliberately to hurt you or annoy you, but being careless and thoughtless about another person's items indicates he believes what he thinks is a lot more important than what you think.

However, what he does with your coat is deliberate nastiness. He wants to hang his coat up so yours will go on the floor. He's showing you exactly what he thinks of you with this - you're worth no more than a coat that's got in his way and deserves to be on the floor getting scrumpled and dirty.

So now I think he deliberately uses your things so that you can never have anything nice that's just for you. He's justifying it with the nonsensical sharing argument. He can't use your coat himself (otherwise he'd be wearing it for his most filthy jobs so he can ruin it like he ruins the other things), so he does the next best thing - drops it on the floor.

Not a nice person.

I wouldn't be hanging about.

[00100001]

@Vulpine "Im on your dhs side. I can't get too worked up about posessions"

so let's say you had a REALLY NICE blanket your Nan made you 30+ years ago, and you love it and cherish it. Your DH knows how much this blanket means to you.

Then one day, your DH decides to use it to cover the dining table, then puts all his dirty tools on it - lays them out on it, so he can clean them. Once he's finished, you find that it's stained with grease, and a bit ripped, where he decided to use the corner of it to clean a spanner. your Nan's blanket is now ruined.


You'd be OK with that?

[EmmiJay]

Nope. My fuse is way too short to deal with someone like that. I always feel that little petty things like this are done maliciously. I'd suggest buying a massive locker and keeping your nice things in it. 😬

[Funguy]

I take the view that he is not allowed to help himself to your possessions, and you are NOT controlling.
Ruining someone else's possessions is rubbish and I do find that some men are like this for whatever reason, and it is really really annoying.

[MiniEggAddiction]

I wouldn’t get upset over a travel mug being used as s travel mug, or a sponge to clean stuff. if he would have used your silk scarf - yes. but having a “pretty” cleaning sponge is a bit weird. and quite controlling

But he didn't use it as a travel mug he put it through the dish washer and ruined it. If OP wants to have a special sponge that doesn't get ruined she's entitled to. I find it much more controlling that her partner deliberately uses her things and ruins them having been asked not to.

[dontalltalkatonce]

What mbonz wrote. The coat thing, I mean, seriously, who does that? You see someone's coat hanging up and you pitch it on the floor and put yours on the hook? That's even worse than the mug. DH has one of those Yeti type travel big cup thingies he uses at home, I don't use it, it's his cup thing that the kids got him. He doesn't even have to say 'this is mine and special to me'. The cupboard is full of other vessels I can use to drink water from.

[PlanDeRaccordement]

A sponge and a travel mug?
Sorry I could not get attached to simple useful items like that and call them “special”.
If it were an heirloom that would be different.

[SummerPavillion]

Hope you're feeling ok OP It's scary to begin to see someone we trust in a new light (if indeed you are)

[fishonabicycle]

Annoying. Mine uses expensive kitchen knives and scissors in the garden. And stomps around indoors in work books.

[HolesinTheSoles]

I don't like having to be careful with my things. I'd hate to have a "nice" handbag as I always accidentally leave food in mine and they end up skanky (I buy second hand). I put ticks in my books as I like them to look well thumbed, not pristine. I forget about mugs of tea sometimes and they go mouldy.

That said I would never do any of those things to someone else's possessions - especially when I knew they liked to keep their things nice. DH has a few mugs which for various reasons are special to him and I just don't use them. I have a friend who is almost obsessively careful with her books and when she leant me one I was exceptionally careful with it (despite the fact I'm not with my own books).

I don't think I'm in the wrong to be a bit of a slob but your DH is being a massive dick by ruining things that belong to you.

[CruCru]

I used to have a flat mate who went on about “she didn’t think “stuff” was important”. She was a massive nuisance who constantly wrecked things and would walk off with your jacket.

I don’t think you’re being precious. But a new mug and show your husband the receipt. Say something like “This has been an expensive day - shall we wait until later to add it up?”

Wasn’t there a thread a while back where the OP would hide her expensive underwear and the husband would dig it out and boil wash it? It was amazing how many people thought she was being unreasonable.

[HolesinTheSoles]

Sorry I could not get attached to simple useful items like that and call them “special”.
If it were an heirloom that would be different.

This kind of comment shows a staggering lack of empathy. Because you wouldn't care if a gift got ruined you think you shouldn't respect the feelings of someone who does care? I wouldn't particularly care if someone said my haircut looks shit (because it probably does) but I wouldn't dream of assuming it's fine to say to other people.

[Yummymummy2020]

I’m annoyed for you! This would drive me nuts! I’m not a spoilt brat but I hate If someone mistreats my belongings as I too appreciate them! You are completely reasonable to be annoyed!!!

[Halestorm]

People who always think 'stuff isn't important' are generally more cavalier about other people's possessions. They are funnily enough, usually quite protective of their own treasures.

[CruCru]

I have a kitchen knife I’m very fond of. It went missing for ages and I couldn’t find anything even slightly similar. It ended up on the builder’s workbench. I was cross.

[InACheeseAndPickle]

It almost sounds like he's going out of his way to do this to wind you up. If he is it's incredibly controlling. I don't think you're being at all controlling it's not difficult to not use your partner's travel mug - it was your gift and you wanted to use it. Totally reasonable.

[SummerPavillion]

CruCru yes I remember that thread. Gives me the chills, the devious cruelty of it.

[DontDribbleOnTheCarpet]

Is he a farmer, OP? Mine is, and there are really good reasons why anything contaminated with animal shit shouldn't come into contact with anything which then goes back inside the house and is used for cleaning it. It took a few major rows and some very strong words to make him stop, but now he mostly leaves my stuff alone.
I have had very few "special" things in my life, and I treasure them. My good dressmaking scissors (even my kids know they can use any scissors they like, except the black ones), my nice pen and a checked flannel shirt which belonged to my grandfather are the only ones I really remember. I wore the shirt occasionally after he died but after a decade or so, it was worn very thin and the colour was more of a pale pink than the original vibrant red. I knew that my husband was likely to take it to wear at work if he couldn't be bothered to look for his own (he was working as a builder at that time) so I asked him several times not to wear it because it was fairly fragile. Of course, he wore it and it ripped in several places. Rather than letting me mend it and put it away, he tore it into rags. To be honest, I've never felt the same about him since. YANBU.

[Pinkbonbon]

Reminds me of an ex.

I has this hoodie I adored as it was from my best mate. Not new or expensive but important to me. My ex hated it (and her, though they never met). I know now it was because he didn't like me feeling like I had a good friend who cared for me and the coat symbolised that to me.

We took a trip to the big city n went clubbing. He insisted that he held the tickets. I started to get claustraphobic around 2am and stepped out for air,he followed. With his stuff. But not mine. He'd 'lost' my ticket.

I know now he was a cunt, looking back. But at the time I was young and smitten (though that night was the first time I stood up to him).

Just be aware: is it always the stuff you make a point of telling him is important to you? Or things that were gifts from people you care for? If so, there may be more to it than carelessness. And that, would be a big problem.

[Frlrlrubert]

I have to say I think he's being nasty to not let you have nice things.

DH is the careful one in our house, mostly with his tech and his car.

I'm not, I don't care if my car is grubby and scratched, or if there are crumbs on my keyboard. This is why I don't buy 'nice' ones. I'd rather just use them and not worry.

If I borrow something of DHs I'm super careful with it, I wouldn't eat or drink within 5 feet of his laptop, I drive his car like I'm taking my test.

If he felt that way about a mug or a sponge I'd just leave them alone, plenty more mugs and sponges in the house after all!