I am being precious re possessions

[Redbauble]

Hi all, sorry if this gets long. My dh and I are in disagreement today, growing up I was always told to look after my things and keep them nice, at the time i thought my dad was a pain in the arse for saying it but it has rubbed off on me. I dont have loads but i treat my things nicely. Dh is a bit of a scruff, he works outdoors with dirty boots and tools etc and over the years we've had several tiffs about him mistreating my things. It's not every week or anything but the following two recent incidents have really annoyed me.

For my birthday in the summer my mum got me a lovely travel mug, very pretty and probably expensive for a travel mug. Anyway I love. A few days after my birthday dh had it ready to fill and I asked him not to as it was mine and I wanted it kept nice and i knew hed stick it in the dishwasher or itd end up outside for days. He thought me terribly precious but i didn't see why he couldnt use the older ones and i could keep this one nice for work.

Anyway over time he kept wanting to use it and I'd have to dig it out his van. Anyway hes put it through the dishwasher (maybe once maybe more) and now its ruined. It's a petty thing to be upset about but it's more the principle, why couldnt I have this nice thing just for me?

Other recent example is that i bought an expensive cleaning set, hes been told time and time again to wash his tools outside, I buy him things to use to clean them but he always end up messing up the house or taking things. The set I bought including a special sponge, (again a pretty thing) I cant remember what it's called but I really like it.

Well last night i found it in shreds in the sink and hes used it for his tools. I was really cross and said that it wasnt for his tools but he rolled his eyes and said "well it did the job" again the principle of this has annoyed me. He has other things he can use but didn't. He tried to tell me that how can we expect dd to share if i wont but my arguement was I dont expect dd to share every little thing and i dont expect her to share if her toys arent going to be respected. If happily let him use these things of he treat them how I do. These are just two examples but there are many more. Am I just pathetic?

[willowmelangell]

He does sound petty and spiteful.
I am another who's ex treated my property with deliberate, targeted ruin. He would claim innocence.
If anything of his was accidently knocked, scratched, washed poorly, ironed with the creases imperfect etc etc wow, that was entirely different.
Note how many of us now have both an ex and also a nice home with cared for belongings.

[Velveteenfruitbowl]

My DH is a bit like this. But he’d never misuse something I’d asked him not to. Mind you I don’t think I could work myself up over a sponge.

[MikeUniformMike]

@PlanDeRaccordement, what if you had something really special?
What if you had a very expensive dress and your DP used it to wipe the car engine, or if he used your £££ face cream on his cracked heels?
The principle is the same.

[dellacucina]

He sounds awful. YANBU

[BlackAmericanoNoSugar]

Forget about the things themselves, consider the attitude. He doesn't think that you are important enough to care for the things that you like. If you get ill, like really ill and unable to just struggle through, will he consider you important enough to care for you?

[Jaxhog]

YANBU. It isn't the travel mug or other stuff, its the lack of respect. You asked him not to use it and did it anyway. He doesn't respect your stuff, ergo, he doesn't respect you.

[NettleTea]

Ive just remembered another thing my ex used to do. At the time he was still living abroad and when I visited him he always used to ask me to give him things that I had brought with me - so a sony walkman, and a special edition teeshirt of a comic book artist that I liked come to mind. I really wouldnt want to but he would persuade me to do so. And then when Id gone and I returned later Id discover he had given them away to his brother or any other random.

[Chamomileteaplease]

Your mum bought that mug for you and you presumably use it a lot. I can't believe he would keep trying to take it and then be successful! What a bastard. It's like he was so jealous of you having a nice mug and he just wanted it. So childish.

Please tell us about him being kind in other ways because I think we are all thinking he is a right shit.

[SummerPavillion]

This seems to be a quite common pattern, the deliberate spoiling of nice things. Is there a word for it does anyone know? Like negging (but not meaning that)

A control thing?

[Moraxella]

Feel the travel mug pain, a few of mine are now in the company of airport security after they wouldn’t let them through (obviously). Also find nice toiletries I have “saved” for a hol open and used up in the bathroom. My requests not to use my nice things fall on deaf ears😫

[CherryPavlova]

I couldn’t get excited and think if that’s the worst he does then you’ve not much to complain about.
A mug is a mug - do couples really keep them separate? It’s not using an expensive handbag to put the muck from drain muck in, is it?
You need more to worry about. I don’t think he’s disrespectful. I think he just doesn’t even think about such trivia.

[NearlyOutedMyself]

I'm sorry OP, it sounds like you're living with a ghastly flatmate than with someone who respects you and your things. I wouldn't go down the retaliation route of destroying his stuff as he'll either not notice or he'll become even more cavalier. Hide your stuff and get him to replace any damaged stuff. It's reminded me of the twat I saw in a supermarket cafe who removed three full trollies, full of peoples' paid-for shopping, to place his two empty trollies in, then changing his mind and walking off again, leaving the bay empty. Disrespectful and rude.

[NearlyOutedMyself]

Feel the travel mug pain, a few of mine are now in the company of airport security after they wouldn’t let them through (obviously)

I've taken travel mugs and flasks through airport security - they just ask to see that there's no liquid inside. There's no rule against carrying an empty container over 100ml.

[Moraxella]

They would have been full or partly full of coffee 😓

[EKGEMS]

Sonetlumiere Give it a freaking rest she isn't valuing objects over her relationship-did she say she was leaving her husband over his careless disrespect for her?

[DameFanny]

Thing is, it's not about sharing, it's not about heirloom objects, it's not about prioritising things...

It's about tools. Tools that make jobs easier, tools that make things a little more pleasurable. A good travel mug is a tool for delivery of coffee at a reliable temperature and can't be over-valued. A coat is a tool for keeping you warm and dry and potentially making you look respectable when you're covering up a ratty T-Shirt on a quick run to the shop. A cleaning sponge is obviously a tool for cleaning, and it sounds like there was something about this one that made the cleaning a more pleasant experience. You don't have to enjoy cleaning to treasure tools that make it easier or nicer.

And you should always keep your tools ready for use.

It's not things vs experiences - sometimes things are repeated experiences. That special teapot that says "I'm worth leaf tea and a 3 minute draw and sitting down to enjoy this properly at least once this week". That favourite travel mug that says "I might get stuck on the train next to the sweaty guy this morning but at least I can stick my nose in the hole and smell coffee instead of BO". And the handbag that's exactly the right size, holds everything you need plus a paperback, and makes it that much simpler to get to your phone/lipsyl/hankie one-handed.

And I'm happy to share my tools - I enjoy it even, it reduces the cost per use ;-) But I don't lend things to my sister, after the wallpaper stripper came back covered in paper and glue, not to mention the things that never came back at all. Is that me being selfish or precious? Am I prizing things over my sister? I don't think so. Because I'll give her things - but they'll be cheaper versions because I know she's going to mess them up anyway.

You don't respect tools, you don't get to share them.

You deliberately seek out tools you know I value and deliberately do the thing you know will wreck them - we're having a conversation. Through a closed door. That you're on the outside of.

[MrsApplepants]

I would give him a taste of his own medicine and destroy something of his, see how he likes it.

[WeBuiltCisCityOnSexistRoles]

"You need more to worry about. I don’t think he’s disrespectful. I think he just doesn’t even think about such trivia."

How lucky am I to be married to someone who doesn't dismiss the things that are important and precious to me (for whatever reason, or whatever they are) as just trivia and unimportant. Actually no, it's not luck, it's just that he is a decent kind person. He respects my belongings because he respects me.

How sad that people don't expect the same from their own partners, or extend them the same respect and care and kindness.

But then, saying "you need more to worry about" is a truly knobbish thing to say, and isn't funny, and shows fuck all kindness and compassion for someone who is sad, whether you deem the reason for sadness trivial or not. You come across as extremely unkind and disrespectful so no wonder you're defending a man who also is like this.

[CharityDingle]

@WeBuiltCisCityOnSexistRoles

100% agree.

[thequeenoftarts]

Start using and destroying his tools, lose them, leave them out in the rain, give them away... Just annoying little things til he gets the message

[blubelle7]

Wow OP YANBU. It's the obsession to use your travel mug despite being asked not to and then ruin it. That's not nice. I get the cleaning sset though, I have specific cloths, sponges, mops etc. specifically for the kitchen and then others for outdoor stuff and general use. I am sure there are things for him to use specifically for his tools but he prefers to ignore that and go for your stuff. Annoying as hell. I dont have a solution OP, he seems hellbent to make sure you dont have anything nice.

[PerkyPomPoms]

He sounds horrible

[redexpat]

@WeBuiltCisCityOnSexistRoles Bravo!

[pinkstripeycat]

I am the same as you OP. I’ve got loads of things from the 70s/80s bought for me when I was a child. Hand held Pac-Man game, Sony Walkman, dancing coke can, glowing fibre optics, original rubiks cube. My kids love it! Bit extreme but I’ve been wearing the same shoes for the past 3 years and they’ve only just worn out - must’ve saved myself a few pounds

[pinkstripeycat]

blubelle7

Person after my own heart with your cleaning cloths thing ☺️