I am being precious re possessions

[Redbauble]

Hi all, sorry if this gets long. My dh and I are in disagreement today, growing up I was always told to look after my things and keep them nice, at the time i thought my dad was a pain in the arse for saying it but it has rubbed off on me. I dont have loads but i treat my things nicely. Dh is a bit of a scruff, he works outdoors with dirty boots and tools etc and over the years we've had several tiffs about him mistreating my things. It's not every week or anything but the following two recent incidents have really annoyed me.

For my birthday in the summer my mum got me a lovely travel mug, very pretty and probably expensive for a travel mug. Anyway I love. A few days after my birthday dh had it ready to fill and I asked him not to as it was mine and I wanted it kept nice and i knew hed stick it in the dishwasher or itd end up outside for days. He thought me terribly precious but i didn't see why he couldnt use the older ones and i could keep this one nice for work.

Anyway over time he kept wanting to use it and I'd have to dig it out his van. Anyway hes put it through the dishwasher (maybe once maybe more) and now its ruined. It's a petty thing to be upset about but it's more the principle, why couldnt I have this nice thing just for me?

Other recent example is that i bought an expensive cleaning set, hes been told time and time again to wash his tools outside, I buy him things to use to clean them but he always end up messing up the house or taking things. The set I bought including a special sponge, (again a pretty thing) I cant remember what it's called but I really like it.

Well last night i found it in shreds in the sink and hes used it for his tools. I was really cross and said that it wasnt for his tools but he rolled his eyes and said "well it did the job" again the principle of this has annoyed me. He has other things he can use but didn't. He tried to tell me that how can we expect dd to share if i wont but my arguement was I dont expect dd to share every little thing and i dont expect her to share if her toys arent going to be respected. If happily let him use these things of he treat them how I do. These are just two examples but there are many more. Am I just pathetic?

[dionysus19]

when my arsehole of BIL lived with us he used to do the same to my things. Read it as my things not his or his brother's. And then he would be like why can't you share. Well one I don't have to share if I don't want to and you can't force someone to share and two if you bloody care careful then I wont have a problem with it. Idiot. Still boils my blood after all these years. I am glad he moved out. We are on much better terms now.

[EKGEMS]

Minxmumma It's basic respect one partner for the other not things

[Anniegetyourgun]

If the item is trivial, then by the same token it should be no big deal for the other partner not to use it, eh?

XH once wore my new, relatively expensive black trainers in the garden and got them so clotted with mud they were never the same again. His excuse when I went "wtf?" was that he thought they were his. His trainers were white. And old. And already covered with garden mud. It was one of many things that after the divorce I felt so glad that I no longer had to try to either believe or forgive. It was so fucking petty. And that was the whole point.

[mathanxiety]

And YYY to dontalltalkatonce - he wouldn't do this to a mate's coat.

[mathanxiety]

He new i was upset about the cup but in his mind it really is just a cup and he cant get past that.

I wonder how he sees your coat.

Does he cast the DCs' coats to the floor too?

[CoffeeBeansGalore]

Not the point of the thread, but . . .

Avec & Centigo do brilliant travel flasks/mugs which do not easily break (always fishing one out of dh's work van 🙄, thankfully have several) & are dishwasher safe.

[JenniferM1989]

I would be annoyed too OP. I don't think you're petty. I don't think he's a massive dickhead or anything and you should leave him over it but I do think he's a bit of a shit!

[justilou1]

He chucks your coat on the floor to hang his up? Chuck his out the back door into the mud. He’ll soon learn. Knob.

[Minxmumma]

I could understand you being cross if it was a family heirloom or something hugely precious and irreplaceable for sentimental reasons.
I can't get so stressed over a coffee mug and a sponge.
My dp were like this, one morning my Dad went to work, ended up in a car wreck and nearly died. My dm sat in ITU willing him to live as she realised the futility of fighting over trivial stuff when you can lose everything in a split second.

[MulticolourTinselOnTheTree]

Basically, he's saying "fuck you" every time he uses and damages something belonging to OP.

[Everydayishistorytomorrow]

He's selfish and inconsiderate. However you must have known he was like this a long time ago? When people are this way inclined, they don't change, it's just the way they are. All you can do is change your reaction to his actions or it will slowly eat away at your relationship causing resentment. You could always just sit him down with no distractions and ask him in a kind way why he finds it so difficult to consider your wishes with the things that 'you' obviously care about. If you find out what the barriers are you can better facilitate him adhering to your wishes.

[ChristmasCakeLover]

My ex did this. It wasn't about what the possession was, if i had it he had a weird need to use it (and ruin it too). We broke up for other reasons but one day i did turnaround is fair play with some special hobby items and he hit the roof. Funny how these people are fine using your things and breaking but go furious the other way. He never was so careless again when i pointed out the hypocrisy.

[DingDongSchadenfreudeOnHigh]

Hope the next thread isn't "I lost my job because I didn't have a travel mug and fainted from dehydration."

[dontalltalkatonce]

The OP says she wanted to use the travel mug for work so hopefully she's kept her job.

[SummerPavillion]

I think this reflects the attitude of lots of men once they're the main/only breadwinner, they start seeing their dw as just another belonging that they're "paying for" and therefore own.

I don't know the OP's circumstances though.

The problem is they can be nice as pie until you're in too deep. And it can feel financially impossible to LTB sometimes.

[dontalltalkatonce]

The coat thing, math's right, it's a giant 'Fuck you!' Honestly, who the fuck does that? I can bet he wouldn't dare do this to a mate because they would call him out on it. 'What the fuck are you doing? My coat was hanging up on that hook and you threw it on the fucking floor? What is wrong with you? That's fucking rude!'

Because he knows it is. And yeah, there were other cups to use. That one was a gift to you.

[rebecca102]

Would absolutely piss me off! I'm exactly like you are. When I buy something for myself which is rare I look after it and my partner just treats my stuff like his belongings and like shit!

[JamieVardysHavingAParty]

Dunno what the "And e" means!

[JamieVardysHavingAParty]

That's not normal carelessness. Normal carelessness is not noticing which mug you've got. You'd be as likely to pick up a basic mug and break that as you would the mug with sentimental value attached.

It's also not normal for anyone who knows what they're doing to get a domestic cleaning sponge from their wife's indoor-cleaning kit to do heavy duty cleaning outside. You just don't try to scrub oil or excrement off with something intended for light-duty work. It won't do the job and will just be broken. You might as well cut out the middleman and scrub the mess up with five pound notes directly.




And e

[Besidesthepoint]

Sounds a bit like my ex. Everything that was his was his; everything that was mine was ours and for him to just even give away if he felt like it. He gave away my bicycle, he gave away my hard saved cash money twice. When I asked for it back he laughed. After tge separation what was his was his, what was mine couldn't be proven so was his as well. Karma exists though, he next fell in love with a gold digger.

It is a form of disrespect. There is no happy future with someone who sees you as less than themselves.

[wasthatamistake]

So he took your birthday present and wrecked it. He actually went out of his way to use it so you couldn't, and damaged it too. He is a cunt.

Anyone who holds the view that they are entitled to take and damage their loved ones possessions at will is disgusting. It is not in any way loving or kind.

[GenuineKlatchianPottery]

You’ve just reminded me of my ex using my hairdressing scissors to cut carpet!
He’d actually gone into my work bag to get them .
His reasoning was “I didn’t have any Stanley blades and these are sharp”.
But I was “being precious” about not wanting my £200 work tools wrecked.
This was 20 years ago and we’ve been separated for 10 years now, but I’m suddenly irrationally enraged by it again!

[T0tallyFuckedUpFamily]

I see your "pampered chef" knife, and raise you dressmaking scissors used to cut woodchip wallpaper

Ohh ohh ohh 😮 I actually winced reading that! My scissors are still kept in the box they came in and the boys were warned I’d test it in their favourite clothes if I caught them using them!

[Bargebill19]

You are not being precious.
I had the same problem with my DH. I lost the plot big time - got a large bin bag and threw everything I could if his out - laptop, phone, clothes etc. It all went outside in the rain. I refused to travel anywhere with him in his car - and refused to let him even touch mine. At the same time I went on a spending spree with his credit card and replaced every item of mine he had trashed.
After a week he got the message.
If he can’t respect your stuff - do not respect his. Do not help him. He has to learn he is disrespecting you and not just your belongings.

[SpamChaudFroid]

Reading about your partner reminds me of an ex. He would buy me an expensive moisturiser for xmas, then use it on his own face every day. His pet name for me was "shellfish" (selfish). He would call me this every time I bought myself anything he didn't like, even food in a restaurant because he wouldn't be able to eat some of it.

Your partner is being deliberately unkind. You are not being precious.