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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I am being precious re possessions

240 replies

Redbauble · 06/12/2019 14:59

Hi all, sorry if this gets long. My dh and I are in disagreement today, growing up I was always told to look after my things and keep them nice, at the time i thought my dad was a pain in the arse for saying it but it has rubbed off on me. I dont have loads but i treat my things nicely. Dh is a bit of a scruff, he works outdoors with dirty boots and tools etc and over the years we've had several tiffs about him mistreating my things. It's not every week or anything but the following two recent incidents have really annoyed me.

For my birthday in the summer my mum got me a lovely travel mug, very pretty and probably expensive for a travel mug. Anyway I love. A few days after my birthday dh had it ready to fill and I asked him not to as it was mine and I wanted it kept nice and i knew hed stick it in the dishwasher or itd end up outside for days. He thought me terribly precious but i didn't see why he couldnt use the older ones and i could keep this one nice for work.

Anyway over time he kept wanting to use it and I'd have to dig it out his van. Anyway hes put it through the dishwasher (maybe once maybe more) and now its ruined. It's a petty thing to be upset about but it's more the principle, why couldnt I have this nice thing just for me?

Other recent example is that i bought an expensive cleaning set, hes been told time and time again to wash his tools outside, I buy him things to use to clean them but he always end up messing up the house or taking things. The set I bought including a special sponge, (again a pretty thing) I cant remember what it's called but I really like it.

Well last night i found it in shreds in the sink and hes used it for his tools. I was really cross and said that it wasnt for his tools but he rolled his eyes and said "well it did the job" again the principle of this has annoyed me. He has other things he can use but didn't. He tried to tell me that how can we expect dd to share if i wont but my arguement was I dont expect dd to share every little thing and i dont expect her to share if her toys arent going to be respected. If happily let him use these things of he treat them how I do. These are just two examples but there are many more. Am I just pathetic?

OP posts:
lljkk · 06/12/2019 22:08

You gonna LTB, OP?

Londonmummy66 · 06/12/2019 22:09

I'd "carelessly" put all his socks and jumpers through a hot boil wash - "well it did the job" - they're nice and clean now....

Cherrysoup · 06/12/2019 22:17

He's really not the worst guy in the whole world. It's just this carelessness that sometime crops up where he really let's himself down

Rubbish, @Redbauble. It’s not carelessness, it’s deliberate ‘ I don’t give a fuck and I’m doing this for convenience and sod Redbauble’s feelings.’ Really inconsiderate and deliberately nasty of him. Is he a farrier?

DingDongSchadenfreudeOnHigh · 06/12/2019 22:32

@WeBuiltCisCityOnSexistRoles

Brilliant username

MissingMySleep · 06/12/2019 22:35

buy yourself the same mug again. Tell not to touch it. Ever. YANBU.

justilou1 · 06/12/2019 22:39

If we were in the same hemisphere, I’d be accusing my DH of bigamy. Does he then accuse you of “Wasting money” when you eventually replace whatever he’s fucked up beyond all recognition, because “We already have one of those!”?

CoupeCourte · 06/12/2019 22:41

Nope, he buys you a new mug out of his money. Why should you pay for his fuckup?

I had this. I bought myself apple AirPods, they were expensive for headphones but I wanted them and I saved and I got a lot of joy from using them. DP is reckless with his own stuff. He asked to borrow them after losing yet another pair of his own headphones. I didn't want to let him, I thought he'd damage them. He persuaded me. He lost them (he would say someone stole them from his bag, there's no evidence either way but they were gone). He apologised and was upset, I said 'sorry' was meaningless and didn't help me, he just needed to replace them. He did. He doesn't get to borrow the new pair. An expensive lesson for him.

justilou1 · 06/12/2019 22:46

It also makes me feel like he is training me (17 years of training) to expect/feel that I don’t deserve to have nice things of my own. I get the cheap and broken tat instead. (His shitful gift-giving has been the subject of many counselling sessions.) This year I have spent a veritable fortune on makeup and clothes. Unless he takes up drag, THAT is safe for now!!! (As long as I don’t leave it in the bathroom for him to drop on the floor.)

Notcontent · 06/12/2019 22:52

I have not read the whole thread but I also think there is a deliberate element to his actions. It’s probably something to do with his childhood and not having nice things for himself, and there being some ingrained resentment that’s just constantly bubbling up.

MulticolourTinselOnTheTree · 06/12/2019 23:03

What the actual objects are doesn't really matter. It's about the lack of respect being shown when the OP has requested her husband doesn't use specific things.

OP, he's showing you he doesn't respect you or care what you say. I wouldn't have said he necessarily did this deliberately to hurt you or annoy you, but being careless and thoughtless about another person's items indicates he believes what he thinks is a lot more important than what you think.

However, what he does with your coat is deliberate nastiness. He wants to hang his coat up so yours will go on the floor. He's showing you exactly what he thinks of you with this - you're worth no more than a coat that's got in his way and deserves to be on the floor getting scrumpled and dirty.

So now I think he deliberately uses your things so that you can never have anything nice that's just for you. He's justifying it with the nonsensical sharing argument. He can't use your coat himself (otherwise he'd be wearing it for his most filthy jobs so he can ruin it like he ruins the other things), so he does the next best thing - drops it on the floor.

Not a nice person.

I wouldn't be hanging about.

I agree with this. He's being disrespectful and it seems deliberate.

Like others, I have an ex who was like this with some of my stuff.

Now it's just me and the DC. We respect each other, and respect each others' possessions.

Jeleste · 06/12/2019 23:03

I get the travel mug, but i just cant side with you on the sponge incident.
Sponges are for cleaning, you use them, then throw them away.

happinessischocolate · 06/12/2019 23:09

I would replace both items out of the joint food budget or get him to pay for them, just keep replacing your nice stuff until he gets the message.

Or I'd use his best shirt to mop the floor but maybe that's why I'm single 😂🤷‍♀️

CustomerCervixDepartment · 06/12/2019 23:44

I wouldn’t have been with a man like this in the first place, so doubt you can change his disregard and contemptuous behavioural choices. I value the stuff I choose to own and take care of it, like most people would. He can obviously replace the items he destroyed, with his own money, any decent person would have done this automatically, with an apology, and in future, not trashed someone else’s stuff. If he hasn’t bothered doing these things, and you still find that attractive, get a lockable box for items you don’t want him to trash.

justilou1 · 07/12/2019 02:44

Maybe you should let him know that you are so sick and tired of replacing your possessions that you have decided to replace him instead.

feistymumma · 07/12/2019 07:11

YABU, they are only possessions. What you see as disrespect could be him just liking those things more because you do as well. I wouldn't read too much into this to be honest. We all have our quirks and irritating habits. My daughter is like that, she loves everything I love because she loves me.

feistymumma · 07/12/2019 07:15

The coat think would piss me off

frazzledasarock · 07/12/2019 07:44

I’d start using things he’s most attached to and leaving them out in the rain, boil wash, shred, scratch up beyond recognition anything that’s precious to him.

I’d also knock his coat off the hook and and accidentally step on the inside of it in muddy shoes, it’s been very rainy here recently, accidents happen, so precious, it’s only stuff and the mud will wash off probably and anyway it was an accident, accidents happen all the time. By him usually.

I’m really clumsy, when DP first moved in he had a set of tumblers from his gran, I do not touch them as I know I will end up breaking them, DP has never said not to use them, but knowing there’s a better than average possibility I’ll break them accidentally I don’t touch them.

People who insist ‘it’s only stuff’ etc, are generally the ones destroying other people’s property.

I don’t have to place the same value on ‘things’ as some people do, in order not to destroy other people’s property.
I can understand and accept and not ruin people’s possessions even if I don’t place the same value on possessions as they do.

BillywilliamV · 07/12/2019 07:49

You know what, nobody's perfect! Is this is the worst thing he does then you will be okay.
This from a woman who tracked her "Pampered Chef" pallet knife down to the garage, where it had got broken while being used to lever the lids off tins of paint.

BillywilliamV · 07/12/2019 07:52

and just keep replacing your stuff using money from the joint account, most men of this sort really don't like spending money!

Weirdwonders · 07/12/2019 07:56

Is he being a bit thoughtless or is he going out of his way to find and ruin the things you like (you said yourself you have alternatives for him to use). Only you know him but I’d watch him.

SunniDay · 07/12/2019 07:57

I agree you should sit down with him and order the same mug or similar - just as good quality- and he pays. While he is paying make it clear that he doesn't get to borrow it. There are plenty of mugs for him to use. If he would like a nice travel mug of his own you can get him one for Xmas (which you won't use).

madcatladyforever · 07/12/2019 07:59

Arghhh my ex husband trashed everything. Left his expensive tools out to rot and had no respect for books or anything. I take great care of all my stuff and I hate to see lovely things trashed.

BillywilliamV · 07/12/2019 08:00

On FFS, it's a COFFEE MUG and a SPONGE!!
I do feel for those of you in abusive relationshipS but you can tell nothing about the real state of OPs marriage from this incident, so stop extrapolating, it's not helpful!

loutypips · 07/12/2019 08:03

Sounds to me that he's doing it on purpose! Why did he want to use a pretty (and I presume girly) travel mug? Is he jealous that you like to keep things nice?

Jodie77 · 07/12/2019 08:06

My kids understand that they have their own drinks cups and lunch boxes and don't use each other's. My 2 year old can tell you he can't have it because it's not his. They don't drink out of travel mugs yet, but I'm sure when they do they will have their own special mug as well as a couple of generic/household ones. I won't be buying them an expensive decorated bamboo mug (or whatever) very often, so they will need to look after it just like they look after their drinks cups now. I don't believe in sharing above everything though. Like, if you have one sandwich and the other person is starving, that's one thing. But if you both have a sandwich and they want to eat half of yours just because? That's not sharing that's the other person taking the piss.