I am being precious re possessions

[Redbauble]

Hi all, sorry if this gets long. My dh and I are in disagreement today, growing up I was always told to look after my things and keep them nice, at the time i thought my dad was a pain in the arse for saying it but it has rubbed off on me. I dont have loads but i treat my things nicely. Dh is a bit of a scruff, he works outdoors with dirty boots and tools etc and over the years we've had several tiffs about him mistreating my things. It's not every week or anything but the following two recent incidents have really annoyed me.

For my birthday in the summer my mum got me a lovely travel mug, very pretty and probably expensive for a travel mug. Anyway I love. A few days after my birthday dh had it ready to fill and I asked him not to as it was mine and I wanted it kept nice and i knew hed stick it in the dishwasher or itd end up outside for days. He thought me terribly precious but i didn't see why he couldnt use the older ones and i could keep this one nice for work.

Anyway over time he kept wanting to use it and I'd have to dig it out his van. Anyway hes put it through the dishwasher (maybe once maybe more) and now its ruined. It's a petty thing to be upset about but it's more the principle, why couldnt I have this nice thing just for me?

Other recent example is that i bought an expensive cleaning set, hes been told time and time again to wash his tools outside, I buy him things to use to clean them but he always end up messing up the house or taking things. The set I bought including a special sponge, (again a pretty thing) I cant remember what it's called but I really like it.

Well last night i found it in shreds in the sink and hes used it for his tools. I was really cross and said that it wasnt for his tools but he rolled his eyes and said "well it did the job" again the principle of this has annoyed me. He has other things he can use but didn't. He tried to tell me that how can we expect dd to share if i wont but my arguement was I dont expect dd to share every little thing and i dont expect her to share if her toys arent going to be respected. If happily let him use these things of he treat them how I do. These are just two examples but there are many more. Am I just pathetic?

[otterturk]

It's really unkind. It's not how a partner should behave. I'm angry on your behalf, what a prick.

[WeBuiltCisCityOnSexistRoles]

I know the response is that you're NBU but the few people who think you are, confound me a bit. I genuinely think it's a little worrying that people don't think his behaviour is unpleasant, the bar really shouldn't be set so low.

I do wonder as well, if this thread had been about your DS or DD acting this way, whether the consensus would have been 100% on your side. I can't imagine people thinking it was acceptable then (or maybe they do and the DC grow up behaving as thoughtlessly and unkindly as the DH is here).

[OlaEliza]

He doesn’t want you to have anything nice. He actually resents you having something you like and enjoy. No matter how little it is. Petty little cunt.

This. He does it on purpose.

[44PumpLane]

Sorry I've not read the thread so this may have moved on... But YANBU!!

It's not the use of the items so much as the disregard for them that then ruins them for you!! It's selfish and unthinking.

[CharityConundrum]

The thing is, he obviously does appreciate the benefit of keeping things nice as those are the things he wants to use. If he was happy to use the stuff that has been battered and damaged through his misuse then that would be fine, but he was seeking out the nice new travel mug to use, presumably because it was nice and new and hadn't been scuffed up and ruined. He wants to enjoy the benefit of the OP looking after stuff without doing any of the work himself. It sounds incredibly annoying and I'm not sure what the solution is if you have asked him repeatedly and he is still choosing to trash stuff. It's just quite sad.

[DingDongSchadenfreudeOnHigh]

He doesn’t want you to have anything nice. He actually resents you having something you like and enjoy. No matter how little it is. Petty little cunt.

7yo7yo has used a word I would normally never even think, but actually she's right. He's being a petty little xxxx.

Why is he so obsessed with using your mug? He knows you value it, that it was a gift from your DM, and that you wanted to keep it nice and use it for work where it wouldn't get tossed about or dumped among tools. And yet it seems he went out of his way to not just "borrow" it, but spoil it.

You had a cleaning set which - okay, is a cleaning set and by definition will get grubby - but which presumably you intended to use for household cleaning which isn't heavy duty involving oil etc - and despite having other cleaning equipment he uses the one you had and which you took pleasure in using. (And for people who think "What?" - having nice tools and equipment does make drudge work a little less arduous.)

He's right in that you need to teach your child to share, but you also need to teach her respect for her own and for other people's property. These are both important lessons. And also that if you borrow someone else's things, you only take them with permission, and treat them with respect.

He's being deliberately spiteful - he's like a jealous little boy. I can't see this getting better. I know this sounds a petty thing to say, but I would seriously think about a relationship where someone treated me like this. These are small things, but they are symbolic of an attitude.

[Aycharow]

I am with you 100% on this one, OP.

[theunknownknown]

I don't think you are being unreasonable. I feel the same way as you do about things. When my husband was alive, it wouldn't even occur to him to use my 'nice' stuff or things that were important to me - some of which he had bought me.
And on the odd occasion where he may have broken something, he would apologise and would go to great pains to replace it, without asking or without fuss.

[Stifledlife]

You asked him not to, and he did anyway. If he was a child it's thoughtless, but as an adult it's deliberate.. and mean.

Maybe it's time for a proper "official" chat. He uses things you ask him not to, he gets you another ASAP. That's it.

He's very dismissive of your feelings too. Keep a tally of the red flags.

[SummerPavillion]

YANBU it sounds deliberate. How sad for you, and also weird. Like he's spoiling your nice things, but why?

Maybe I've been on here too long, but this seems more than carelessness. I'd keep an eye on it OP.

[CharityDingle]

I know the response is that you're NBU but the few people who think you are, confound me a bit. I genuinely think it's a little worrying that people don't think his behaviour is unpleasant, the bar really shouldn't be set so low.

This 100%.
Some posters seem to set a very low bar indeed on what they expect in a relationship.

It sounds like he goes out of his way to misuse nice things, for spite. And knocking your jacket deliberately off the peg, but hanging up his own, that's nasty behaviour, OP.

[MikeUniformMike]

Even if it is not deliberate, it is not right. It is careless, thoughtless and disrespectful.

[ILearnedItFromABook]

YANBU. In the case of the travel mug especially, it sounds like he's ignoring your wishes to make a point. You don't have to share everything, and he should know that. Even if he didn't have a way of ruining things through carelessness or thoughtlessness, you're allowed to have certain things that are just yours, that you don't have to share. (And that goes for children's belongings, too.) it's not petty to want your nice possessions to remain nice. He's being petty (and quite immature) by insisting that you share things "just because".

I'd have a talk with him about it, explaining that when he ignores your requests and treats your special belongings like they don't matter, it feels like he's sending the message that you don't matter to him.

[dontalltalkatonce]

I've known him knock my coat off the hook onto the floor and hang his up and leave mine in a mess which again is a little thing but why do it? Just treat things nicely

WTAF? He does this shit deliberately, OP. You're not allowed nice things, that's not your place in the pecking order.

[GhostHoward]

@NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 That's heartbreaking to read. So glad you're shot of him.

OP...the cleaning stuff is a bit upsetting, but not that bad, but the travel mug is really horrible....why did he want YOUR travel mug...that your mum had given you?

Then again, I stupidly broke a lovely mug, my mum gave my OH. Felt like shit...! I replaced it with a new nice mug (I'm a mug-a-holic) but we'll never get that one back, so, it not being "mine" or one I bought, I still feel terrible.

[Dacquoise]

It doesn't really matter what the items are. You have asked him not to use them and he has totally ignored your request. Pure arrogance. The message he is giving you is that your opinion and feelings don't matter and aren't important. That can only continue to undermine you and your relationship. I feel for you.

[Thethiniceofanewday]

YANBU about the mug. It was a special gift to you, not to him.

Not sure about the cleaning set - but it is quite reasonable to have different kit for different purposes. I don’t like the sides wiped down with a tea towel. My ex-h used to do that. I asked him not to and he stopped, because it was important to me and he wasn’t a twat.

The coat story is the worst. Feels like him making the point that he is more important than you.

[NettleTea]

"He tried to tell me that how can we expect dd to share if I won't"

you know, sometimes its OK NOT to share, sometimes its OK to keep something for yourself, especially if the rest of the time you share happily.

It sounds deliberate. My ex used to do similar. If something was important to me he would find a way to ruin it. But woe betide touching any of HIS special things.

Does he have anything thats special to him? It might be interesting to just see how he reacts if it got ruined. Just to see.......

[redexpat]

Ive had similar with dh. Last time he took my stapler to scouts, used all the staples and put the empty box back. I dont think he put the stapler back. So when I needed it and couldnt use it I went absolutely spare at him. It wasnt about the stapler, it was the total lack of respect. Ive had that stapler and staples since I was 14 (now 38 and I remember using my pocket money on it in smiths) and as soon as he got his hands on them they were gone. I realised after reading marie kondo that he just has no respect for things, regardless of who owns them. Anyway since i lost my shit at him he hasnt done anything like it. And he replaced the fucking staples.

[OvalCanvas]

It sounds like he dislikes you and doesn't want you to have things in your life that bring you joy.

[gamerchick]

He has a bit of contempt for you OP and I know you'll say otherwise things are grand.

So, you need a cupboard of your own with a lock on it. Either a padlock or one of those doorknobs that take a key. Then just observe his behaviour when you lock your good shit away so he can't use it.

[Vulpine]

I do not understand the need to have your own mug. Why cant you share it?

[itoohaveopinions]

You care about your things he doesn't. Neither of you is unreasonable. Is there anything that he does care about?

My ex used to treat my nice things and the house etc like crap but was really pedantic about his car, and a few other bits. Fair enough really so I was always careful with his stuff and once when I scratched it I felt dreadful and paid to have it fixed professionally. He, however, continued to treat the things he knew I wanted to keep nice, like cheap rubbish.

It was one of a thousand reasons we didn't make it!

[VenusClapTrap]

Yanbu op. The question is, is it deliberate? Dh has done things like this a few times, because he’s careless, clumsy and doesn’t generally value or look after stuff.

I have a particular penchant for tea towels. Dh is a messy cook. My favourite tea towels, often souvenirs from special holidays or gifts from friends, would end up stained with paprika or turmeric or something. I’d get cross and upset, he’d get defensive and huffy “it’s just a bloody tea towel” etc etc.

He genuinely wasn’t doing it deliberately, and after I repeatedly explained to him how it made me feel when he disrespected my stuff, he gradually ‘got it’. Now if he’s doing something obviously messy he’ll ask me “Ok, so tell me again which tea towel is not special” - sometimes with a note of piss taking, but it’s good natured piss taking and I can roll with it.

My tea towels have, mostly, survived unscathed for a while now. I have also unclenched a little bit, and accepted that this is just how he is. This is because we have met in the middle, and respect each other.

If he had continued to ride rough shod over my tea towels, without any attempt to consider my feelings, I would seriously be taking a good hard look at my marriage. It’s not about stuff, it’s about how you treat each other’s feelings. And if I suspected it was deliberate acts of sabotage, in order to make some kind of point, that would be it.

[gamerchick]

FFS it's not about the mug, or the cleaning set. If people can't genuinely see that without just being snarky then I suspect they're the ones who touch when they've been asked not to touch