I am being precious re possessions

[Redbauble]

Hi all, sorry if this gets long. My dh and I are in disagreement today, growing up I was always told to look after my things and keep them nice, at the time i thought my dad was a pain in the arse for saying it but it has rubbed off on me. I dont have loads but i treat my things nicely. Dh is a bit of a scruff, he works outdoors with dirty boots and tools etc and over the years we've had several tiffs about him mistreating my things. It's not every week or anything but the following two recent incidents have really annoyed me.

For my birthday in the summer my mum got me a lovely travel mug, very pretty and probably expensive for a travel mug. Anyway I love. A few days after my birthday dh had it ready to fill and I asked him not to as it was mine and I wanted it kept nice and i knew hed stick it in the dishwasher or itd end up outside for days. He thought me terribly precious but i didn't see why he couldnt use the older ones and i could keep this one nice for work.

Anyway over time he kept wanting to use it and I'd have to dig it out his van. Anyway hes put it through the dishwasher (maybe once maybe more) and now its ruined. It's a petty thing to be upset about but it's more the principle, why couldnt I have this nice thing just for me?

Other recent example is that i bought an expensive cleaning set, hes been told time and time again to wash his tools outside, I buy him things to use to clean them but he always end up messing up the house or taking things. The set I bought including a special sponge, (again a pretty thing) I cant remember what it's called but I really like it.

Well last night i found it in shreds in the sink and hes used it for his tools. I was really cross and said that it wasnt for his tools but he rolled his eyes and said "well it did the job" again the principle of this has annoyed me. He has other things he can use but didn't. He tried to tell me that how can we expect dd to share if i wont but my arguement was I dont expect dd to share every little thing and i dont expect her to share if her toys arent going to be respected. If happily let him use these things of he treat them how I do. These are just two examples but there are many more. Am I just pathetic?

[DameFanny]

Good plan Laurie

OP - can you take his credit card and buy replacements online? That's what I did when DH tumble-dried 3 pairs of my good tights. He wasn't expecting it to cost as much as it did, and it taught him to read labels.

[MachineBee]

@User478 - that's awful. I'd be tempted to give him a rubbish present the next time and see how he like it.

@redbauble - I'm afraid you have a DH problem. He simply doesn't value your opinion or feelings very much. YANBU to expect him to treat your things well. I would ask him to replace the mug out his own money and then find a very good hiding place for the new one. If I was your mum I'd be annoyed too.

[mrsm43s]

I with you on this OP. I have a DH and two teenagers who are disrespectful with my stuff. It's not deliberate, they're just careless. So my stuff gets chipped, or stained or, even worse, borrowed and never returned. It does my head it. Generally, no particular item is particularly expensive, but they're often items which I've put some thought into, and I enjoy having. Each individual item, I feel petty to complain about, but collectively, it really is disrespectful.

[Gentleness]

It's fine to be precious about a special present from your mum. If my DH did this to my mug, he'd be replacing it. If it was the only travel mug in the house, I'd probably still not let him use mine! (And he wouldn't, because he is considerate.) But I would get him one as a gift and make a big deal of it.

Even the cloth would make me very cross - he knew it was wrong so to use it when he has perfectly fine alternatives is disrespectful. He's not teaching your daughter to share. He's teaching her to ignore you and to undervalue other people's or shared possessions. It causes rows in our house because while the possessions themselves don't matter, thoughtfulness absolutely does. We don't like spending money and we don't like waste, but that has to start with respecting the value of items, resources and work. I'm on a soap box aren't I ?

[burntpinky]

@SonEtLumiere what a ridiculous thing to say. She’s not prioritising her things above her relationship, she’s just pissed off that nice things she’s bought (and no doubt worked hard for)/been bought are constantly being broken. It’s completely understandable.

My DH does the same (though doesn’t target my things specifically) and it hacks me off as I work hard for my pennies

[MrsSiriusBlack1]

It’s all deliberate and it’s nasty 😞 he’s selfish and uncaring. What are his good points?

[lynzpynz]

His attitude is the problem, not the items, its disrespectful. You each have differences in what's important to you - you each should respect the other (everyone has their wee quirks) and after asking him not to he's still gone ahead and dismissed you and done what he wanted anyway.

Try using his precious tools or similar for something he'd not like see how he reacts!

[dontalltalkatonce]

They do it because you let them away with it, mrs. If my teen and tween took my stuff and wrecked it they would have to pay for it. My teen did it once, with my Chilly bottle she knew was a gift to me, but chose it among other ones after I'd told her it was mine, too. She lost it. So, 25 out of her own money then. She never did that again. I'd not do that to her, either, or her father. We respect each other.

[Redbauble]

Hes really not the worst guy in the whole world. It's just this carelessness that sometime crops up where he really let's himself down.

[flowery]

Presumably he replaces things when this happens?

DH has done this a few times over the years, in terms of bunging handwash items in the normal coloureds load without checking the label (things that blatantly obviously need checking like cashmere), and he’s replaced with new each time.

Except he still owes me a kingfisher blue chenille jumper from 1998...

[CousinKrispy]

I'm a slob who thinks people and relationships are more important than things, and even I think it sounds like he's being an arse. Fine for him to not have the same standards of care for items, but to not be bothered understanding that you do care more, and that a handful of nice objects are important to you, just sounds like selfishness and lack of empathy.

I'm really sorry, I'm not sure what the solution is.

[Butterisbest]

@SonEtLumiere
But you do have other things nice things “just for you”, don’t you?

How do you know that? You're just making stuff up here. You sound like a nasty abusive person.and that's definitely a nasty and cruel comment
Op I'd just tell him, every time he wrecks or breaks something of yours he has to replace it.

[dayslikethese1]

Does he wreck his own stuff too OP or just yours? The fact that he kept doing it after you asked not to kind of makes it sound deliberate. I'm a bit mystified by the concept of a "special cleaning set" though I must say; what does this involve?

[SlowDown76mph]

Look at the behaviour, not the words. He is acting like an entitled arse Unless of course he has a genuine cause for his carelessness.

[dontalltalkatonce]

It's not at all abusive to have been taught to treat your things and environment with respect! In fact, I'm very grateful that my dad was the same because it gave me really good boundaries when I became an adult and also helped in my work and in personal areas (for example, if you read the thread in Active just now from a woman whose lodger is disgusting. Fortunately I skipped that stage due to my upbringing and am really glad because in a lot of lets you'd be given notice from keeping a rented property like that). He'd say, 'You treat your things, your space like swine, you can expect people will try to treat you like swine.'

My h has 'stuff' that is special to him and I make it a point to make myself aware of this (some of it is stuff the kids or I gave him) and leave it alone or don't trash it.

[victoriashleigh]

I actually complete agree with you.

At the end of the day, the travel mug was a present for you and he should just use another mug...? The sponge clearly wasn’t heavy duty enough for what he was doing and he’s ruined it after one use so it was a waste. I’d be annoyed as well but no doubt he thinks you’re being overly precious and you ultimately won’t agree in this situation.

[ThePlatypusAlwaysTriumphs]

I dont think YABU, OP! I hate when people break/ wreck my stuff, although I do accept that sometimes accidents happen.

my thing is my tool kit. DH has a whole workshop full of tools but I used to keep a toolbox in the house, and have just the essentials in it. Every time gradually things would gather in it (parts of curtain poles, old fuses, parts of plugs) and my essential items would drift off to pastures unknown. in frustration, i went out and bought myself a separate tool kit. It has phillips head/ flat head screwdrivers, pliers, hammer, and I keep it HIDDEN! DH laughed at me, but constantly asks to borrow it. I hate lending it to him, but I glower at him, go and fetch it from its secret place, let him use it, inventory it and hide it again. Sounds petty, but I don't care!

[Mary1935]

Replace them with his money.

[HelloIsitXmasTreeYoureLookingF]

The coat thing is worrying as that's overtly offensive

[Jayaywhynot]

I'd have beaten him to death with the travel mug, he's spoilt and horrible

[Hagbeth]

Give him a cleaning set for Christmas. Use his tools and work gloves and “lose” them. Make a list of his favourite things and abuse them.

[1forAll74]

I think you are being a bit too precious about your pretty sponge and mug really. I could understand it,if you found your partner in the kitchen, juggling with three of your best wine glasses or something, but little possessions,are just a very small part of life really.

[nonetcurtains]

He does it because he can. Because he's the big man. Because it upsets you. Because if you say anything it's you being petty. Because, because, because.

[charlestonchaplin]

Most people don’t use the same tools for both household and garden tool/DIY cleaning! It unhygienic!

[roastedsaltedpeanut]

Sounds to me he did it on purpose. "He tried to tell me that how can we expect dd to share if I won't". Your professor husband either trying to teach you a lesson or belittle you to put you in your place, which is a couple ranks below him. Typical husband technique of subtly putting the partner down.
It is most definitely not a matter of the travel mug or cleaning items, it is about your relationship. Is he trying to reign you in because you had, in his view, displayed superior/snotty attitude towards him? i.e. hinting he is not good enough to use the 'good' travel mug because he is filthy? Is he trying to tell you that you are a touch petite bourgeois? It is hard to guess his incentive without additional information, such how respectful is he of you generally.