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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask if you’d have kids again?

191 replies

FeckArseMerlot · 06/12/2019 09:47

Just that really - would you have kids again, given the chance to make decisions again with the benefit of experience?

Don’t have children myself and while when I was younger I had a strong urge to, during single years I reconciled myself to it possibly not happening, and accepted that. Now I have a partner who would be happy to. I feel possibly that I’m less naive to the possibility nowadays that parenthood is very romanticised. Would you do it all again, if by some magic you found yourself back at the pre children stage of your life? What would you change if anything?

OP posts:

Mumtotwo82 · 07/12/2019 00:35

It's a lot harder than I could of imagined but knowing in between there is unconditional love and there is a lot of fun and love in between the hard work (& hard work often is the biggest part) yes I still would. I adore the little rascals...I definitely wouldnt have more though!

justjuggling · 07/12/2019 00:43

I adore my children, but if I’m brutally honest, if I had known I was going to end up a single parent, I probably would have chosen to remain child free. Going from a couple raising children to him swanning off and me doing everything on my own has been a difficult transition for me and the kids. I am overwhelmed by the feeling of everything resting on me; decisions about schools, finances, homework, no-one to share the happy bits with (eg nativity plays etc), discipline etc. The list is endless and the responsibility I feel weighs me down. I wouldn’t change them but I would change our situation. Where we are is not what I ever envisioned life would be like, for them or for me.

motortroll · 07/12/2019 00:56

Absolutely! I'd love to have had them younger and squeezed another one in. I have 3!

woogal · 07/12/2019 01:21

Not unless I had a surrogate.

Lana08 · 07/12/2019 02:34

Absolutely would make the same choice again. I wouldn't have had them any earlier though as I enjoyed my time traveling etc in my 20s and wouldn't had any more as I am happy with our two(2.5 year old DS and 4 month old DD) but I would have appreciated my sleep more ☺️

stopgap · 07/12/2019 02:48

100%. Had them at 34 and 36, and only wish I’d been 30 and 32.

MrHaroldFry · 07/12/2019 03:14

No. My anxiety reached peak levels once I had kids. I can rarely relax and even with CBT etc, I'm a shadow of my former self.

Meercatsarecats · 07/12/2019 03:14

I sometimes wish I had got my career off the ground and found the right person before having my son but it felt like the right thing at the time.
I feel happy enough I can tell my son he was made in love as I did love his dad very much and he has been a good present dad.
We broke up when ds was a baby.
I will only be 40 when my son is grown so I can push on in my career when he nèeds me around less.
My son is a lovely, well rounded, well mannered, bright and interesting person that I love having around.
I think I enjoy him more the older be gets, I'm loving the conversations we are having at the moment about politics and literature and seeing his personality flourish.
I can see he will grow into a man I will be proud to have raised and in that respect he is the best achievement in my life and I feel proud that I have done it all mostly alone.
My biggest regret is not having one more.

itcoldoutside · 07/12/2019 03:44

Your hardly going to say no you regret having your children

notangelinajolie · 07/12/2019 04:00

I would have had them younger and had more.

RainMinusBow · 07/12/2019 04:14

In a way I feel like I'm having kids all over again; well at least babies! I have two boys from my first marriage and now 15 weeks' pregnant with my fiancé (his first baby).

When baby is here boys will be 10 and almost 13.

Things are totally different in my life at the age of 39 than they were in my twenties - mostly in a positive way. Yes I'm definitely more tired and much, much less financially well off, but I'm far happier and more content than I ever was in my first marriage.

On paper life is far harder, but in reality it's considerably better

LoveMySituation · 07/12/2019 04:18

No. I shouldn't have done it. All my life I never wanted them, but at some point I was taken over/lied to by my body, and was too stupid to realise that was what it was.
Now, I am a shadow of my former self. Many unintended consequences have come from that decision, and there is no aspect of my life that is what I would want. I've lost everything, and I HATE the area I have to live in. I am so ashamed of how everything has turned out I have kept myself totally alone, no friends etc so I don't have to talk about anything, or what passes for me these days
He's had an awful start (he's fifteen) because of me. I feel huge guilt about how things have turned out. He seems happy enough, and I never want him to feel how I felt in my abusive childhood this is complicated by him living with the person who gave me such an awful childhood. He's nice to him though never thought in a million years this would be my existence

chicken2015 · 07/12/2019 04:22

No i wouldnt, i have a non verbal daugther who has autism and life is hard, maybe its tiredness talking she went sleep at 10 last night and been awake an hour and half and not asleep, she has woken up every night for about 3 weeks now. For about 3 hours. Me and my husband doesnt get to spend evenings together as we take it in turns putting her in her bed and she she goes sleep we sleep as knackered. I know its not her fault and she is sweetest little girl but life is hard and i dont see it getting easier , wow that turned out super negative!

CatShapedCushion · 07/12/2019 04:45

I ended up as a lone parent very early on,exP left the country we'd emigrated to together.I was initially terrified of being totally alone parenting so far from everyone i knew&all my support network.It turned out i was far better off emotionally/mentally&once i could find a career i excelled at,financially too..Having kidsAND having complete freedom from an abusive controlling exP&being financially independent&secure is the best feeling in the world&im grateful for how things got flipped upside-down early on but definately see way too many desperately unhappy&depressed parents not enjoying their kids as much as they might do if they walked away from bad relationships/marriages.Its the adult relationships that are such hard work&so draining.Kids are an absolute joy for the most part.

Pixxie7 · 07/12/2019 04:53

I think it is difficult to answer as vast majority of parents can’t imagine life without them.

Northernsoullover · 07/12/2019 05:18

Pixxie I think it matters when the question is asked too..if I'd seen this 10 years ago the answer would have been 'hell, no' in my case. My finances were on the floor and my children had undiagnosed SN at the time. Its all very different now and my answer is absolutely yes.

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