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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you’d have kids again?

191 replies

FeckArseMerlot · 06/12/2019 09:47

Just that really - would you have kids again, given the chance to make decisions again with the benefit of experience?

Don’t have children myself and while when I was younger I had a strong urge to, during single years I reconciled myself to it possibly not happening, and accepted that. Now I have a partner who would be happy to. I feel possibly that I’m less naive to the possibility nowadays that parenthood is very romanticised. Would you do it all again, if by some magic you found yourself back at the pre children stage of your life? What would you change if anything?

OP posts:
WhatHaveIFound · 06/12/2019 10:17

Yes, i would but i'd have them earlier. That way they would have been able to spend more time with their grandad who absolutely adored them. It's such a shame that DS was only 2 when my FIL died and has no real memory of him.

ChaiNashta · 06/12/2019 10:20

Yes but to have had them 10 years earlier.

Tunnocks34 · 06/12/2019 10:20

Absolutely but later.

OH and I got pregnant with our first during our third year of university. Both living in student housing, both with no money.

We’re very lucky that actually, my parents are very well off and my grandparents provided childcare for our first born (and second) because otherwise we absolutely wouldn’t be qualified, home owners and debt free.

I was probably a bit young personally too, OH amen I have never had a holiday alone (we got pregnant within weeks of being together), we grew up quick and a lot was sacrificed.

Ultimately though, we’re very happily married with three gorgeous boys who we absolutely adore, both with a successful career and own our house. But this was again, only possible with the help both financially and emotionally of my family.

BertieBotts · 06/12/2019 10:21

antisupermum actually I love the age gap! It's not without its challenges but DS1 is absolutely besotted with DS2, they never fight because they just aren't on the same level, OK, DS1 winds DS2 up sometimes, but very minor compared to most sibling rivalry.

I do feel like I've been given a massive privilege of being able to go back in time really and as a result I am just loving the baby/toddler stage because I know it passes all too quickly. I also feel very laid back about some things I stressed about the first time around because I have the longer term perspective.

In a few years' time I'll be able to pay DS1 to babysit, hopefully. And it's very useful for now as he will watch him in another room while I do things like cook.

Angeldust747 · 06/12/2019 10:22

Yes but I would love to go back and redo my early 20's as I didn't appreciate being kid free 😂 I would have travelled more and had more experiences before having DD

DCIRozHuntley · 06/12/2019 10:22

Yes. I have 4 and would still have 4. They're 8, 6, 4 and 1 now. In an ideal world where you could absolutely choose when to have each baby, I'd have had DC3 a year later so they were in 2 "batches" - just for practical reasons like car seats etc.

puds11 · 06/12/2019 10:23

All of my achievements are due to having my DD young and wanting to be a good role model/ prove young mothers are capable of a career. Without her I really don’t think I’d have achieved much in life. So yes, I would have her always.

CointreauVersial · 06/12/2019 10:28

I wouldn't change a thing.

I had mine at the perfect age (from 32, old enough to be financially secure and to have had several years of child-free fun, but not too old to risk running into a drop in fertility), the perfect quantity (three), and with the perfect age gaps (around two years between each). I'd even stick with the same partner. Grin

ImportantWater · 06/12/2019 10:32

Yes, and like others I wouldn't change anything. In fact I would need to have sex at the exact same time to make sure the right sperm fertilised the right egg so I get my exact children again!
I would still find the newborn stage just as hard as the first time around even with the benefit of experience though, I'm sure (very colicky babies).

Areyoufree · 06/12/2019 10:32

Not sure how this aligns with the vote, but I would absolutely have my kids again. It's hard to say what I would do differently - that's all based on experience, and I think I would rather have that incredibly scary, but magical time of not knowing what the hell I was doing, again!

Toffeecakes · 06/12/2019 10:32

Yes, and I’d do it sooner. I’d also be more sensible with money so I could have 3.

AlexaShutUp · 06/12/2019 10:34

Yes. I'd have the same dc and at the same age.

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 06/12/2019 10:34

Yes but i would have invested more time looking for a suitable partner so that I could have started earlier and had more than one

Buddyelf · 06/12/2019 10:36

Yes I would. My children are the best thing I’ve ever done! But... if I did it again I would wait a bit longer. DH and I got engaged and married relatively young and I was married with 2 babies by the time I was 28. I often wish I would have kept my 20s to myself. Travelled more maybe.

user838383 · 06/12/2019 10:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hugsgalore · 06/12/2019 10:39

Yes. Absolutely love my dd more than I can ever express. I wish I had had her when I was a few years younger though. I was only 32 but now I haven't much energy. Thyroid issues.

nokidshere · 06/12/2019 10:42

I would want the exact same DC but 10 years later than I had them!

I would have the exact same DC but 10 years earlier than I had them Grin

NorthEndGal · 06/12/2019 10:42

Absolutely! I had mine young, we had our first at 19, and married at 20, and had our 2nd at 21.
It was what worked for us, but I'd never suggest it for someone else.

Userwhatevernumber · 06/12/2019 10:42

It’s really interesting on this thread that some people wish they had them younger, and some people wish they had kids older

Mulledwineinajug · 06/12/2019 10:45

In a heartbeat

MeeceAndMice · 06/12/2019 10:47

No I wouldnt. I feel awful saying that and i love them, but if I could live again without knowing what I'd be missing, then no I wouldn't.

QueenofmyPrinces · 06/12/2019 10:53

No I wouldn’t.

I love my children more than anything so am happy with the life I have, but if I could live in a parallel universes then I wouldn’t have children. Life is hard and so I would love to know what it’s like to live a life where I can put myself first and have the freedom that bring child free can bring.

ArnoldWhatshisknickers · 06/12/2019 10:56

Hell yes.

Except I'd start younger and have more.

thetardis · 06/12/2019 10:56

absolutely, yes.

it might have been helpful to know i have ASD beforehand (rather than 10+ years in!) but i wonder whether i might then have stopped at one. while i found having two massively harder it's also massively rewarding.

Happyadventurer · 06/12/2019 11:08

Absolutely I would. The gift of hindsight only serves to tell me how empty my life was before they came along.

OP if you are thinking of having children please, please, please be 100% certain that it’s what you want before you go down that path. I am 1 of 3 and only one of us was wanted. My mum never tired of telling us that we ‘shouldn’t be here’ or that if she had her time again she wouldn’t have children. The last time I heard it I was 57. I am sad that she didn’t get fulfilment from having children but I am even more sad for the 3 of us whose very existence was resented. Guilty for being alive, guilty for breathing, guilty for putting food in our mouths, ashamed to be us.

For the record, I am very well adjusted and am only responding to this because the post raised some uncomfortable memories and emotions. My family are my greatest joy and my biggest achievement. I love being a mum, and now a grandmother. All I am saying is, and I can’t stress this enough, before you start a family be absolutely certain it’s what you really really want.