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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To go on this trip even though DH is ill?

276 replies

LisaSimpsonsbff · 06/12/2019 08:12

I'm supposed to be going to see a friend this weekend, across the Irish Sea. Two of us are going - the friend in question called in real distress (relationship breakdown) a couple of weeks ago so we booked this very last minute trip to see her and show our support.

The problem is that DH, who has had a lingering but nasty cold for weeks, has woken up with tonsillitis this morning. He says to still go but I know he's going to struggle to look after DS, who is a very lively and active 18 month old, on his own while ill (he's done it plenty of times when well, this isn't some 'man can't look after his own kid thing'). Last time he had tonsillitis he was very poorly. I don't think he'd go if it were the other way round, and I think both he and DS will have a rubbish weekend if I go.

I just don't know what to do - I'd definitely cancel if it were just a jolly, but it's not. I suspect, realistically, that if I don't go in this moment of need for my friend it'll be the end of the friendship. But on the other hand my other friend will still go, so it's not like I'm leaving devastated friend on her own. Argh, what to do?

To be clear for purposes of voting, the question is: would I be unreasonable to go (ie YABU=don't go, YANBU=go). The flight is at 8pm tonight so I need to make a decision fast and I don't know what to do for the best!

OP posts:
Namechanger23455 · 06/12/2019 08:14

Difficult one ...... is there nyone who can help your DH should be feel super poorly?

Foghead · 06/12/2019 08:16

Do you have any other family or friend who could pop over and visit and just see if anything needs doing?
I’d go but maybe prep some meals that would just need reheating so ds had food to eat.
A weekend just lounging at home watching tv is fine.

DelphiniumBlue · 06/12/2019 08:17

He's saying go, so just do that. If you're not going ti!l this evening, can you look after D'S today so that DH can sleep? Make sure D'S is tired by bedtime, and make DH gargle with salt hourly throughout the day.
Is there anyone who can help Dh over the weekend?

Actionhasmagic · 06/12/2019 08:18

Personally I would reschedule for next weekend

ZigZagIntoTheBlue · 06/12/2019 08:19

He's said to go, it won't kill your ds to have a movie weekend, and yes if any family nearby can help even better!

NailsNeedDoing · 06/12/2019 08:20

If your friend is one that would cancel your friendship because you have a genuine reason not to visit, then she's not someone that's worth holding onto as friend anyway. Nor would she be one that's worth making your dh and toddler struggle for.

Original poster
LisaSimpsonsbff · 06/12/2019 08:20

Personally I would reschedule for next weekend

Argh should have said - not an option. Weekend flights to Ireland aren't cheap last minute at this time of year. It wasn't really financially wise to book the first trip, I really can't afford to buy a new set of flights for next weekend. I work full-time so I can't go at less popular times to make it cheaper.

OP posts:
yearinyearout · 06/12/2019 08:21

Are you flying or going by ferry (just wondering if it's possible to easily reschedule) otherwise I would go. Make sure you've got everything in that your DH will need so he doesn't have to go anywhere and that he has easy things to cook. If there's anyone who can pop In and take the little one for an hour or two to give him a break that would help too.

BendingSpoons · 06/12/2019 08:21

It's a tough one, but I was so ill when I had tonsillitis I would have really struggled to look after a toddler. I assume there is no-one who could help out? Your friend does still have someone going to see her. Is there a history if you think the friendship will end over this? I get that it is rubbish for her but she won't be alone.

Dontunderestimateme · 06/12/2019 08:22

I think if your DH is still telling you to go, then go. Tonsillitis is unpleasant, but not likely to incapacitate him, and one weekend of being stuck in front of the TV won't do your DS any harm.

Nishky · 06/12/2019 08:22

I would go but try and find some extra support for your Dh if at all possible- if someone could entertain DS for a couple of hours so he could rest.

frazzledasarock · 06/12/2019 08:23

Has your DH been go doctors for his tonsillitis? He needs to get seen and have meds for it. Other than that he should be able to cope.

I get tonsillitis and managed with a toddler and baby. Not ideal but it’s possible.

I’d go.

DeathStare · 06/12/2019 08:23

Given the circumstances (that it's to support a friend in a crisis, that DH has said to go) then i'd go.

Is there anything you can do to help support your DH before you go? Make sure he has meals in for him and your DS? See if any friends or family could pick your DS up and take him out for the day (if there is nobody else and he goes to nursery, try asking if one of the nursery workers would like to do this as paid baby-sitting?)

Original poster
LisaSimpsonsbff · 06/12/2019 08:25

I'm at work today so I can't do much to prepare! He is off work (but DS is at nursery today) and said he'd give his parents a call and ask them to come over tomorrow. My parents, who are normally really helpful, are on holiday, unfortunately.

OP posts:
Goodnightjude1 · 06/12/2019 08:26

I think I’d stay at home. I’ve had tonsillitis plenty of times and it really does make your whole body hurt. So I think I’d have to put my family first.

Original poster
LisaSimpsonsbff · 06/12/2019 08:26

We do have food in the freezer because we batch cook normally

OP posts:
Damntheman · 06/12/2019 08:26

Definitely go. DH says go and he'll cope, I've looked after my kids on similar illnesses. No it wasn't fun and there was probably more TV than strictly necessary but we all survived. Your friend needs you and it's only a couple of days!

As PP said, try to draft in someone to help DH. Parents perhaps? Or a friend who can come and take DC out for a few hours. I'd do that for a friend without a second thought :)

Oysterbabe · 06/12/2019 08:27

I'd let him rest today as much as possible, get DS in his PJs ready to be popped straight in bed and go.

Seahorseshoe · 06/12/2019 08:28

I would definitely go. It's only the weekend, he will be ok.

OneDay10 · 06/12/2019 08:29

ok seeing as he has parents could come and help then you should go.
It's just awful timing but as he can get help then it's the best you can do in this situation.

LizzieSiddal · 06/12/2019 08:29

If he can get his parents to come and help them yes, definitely go.

If he’s on his own I’d make a decision later on in the day. He may be saying “just go” now, but he has just woken up and isn’t looking after a toddler. He may feel very different by this afternoon.

MzHz · 06/12/2019 08:30

I think you need to make sure someone can help him, or have your ds for some time over the weekend

Really bad tonsillitis is grim. I had it when my ds was in reception and I was a zombie for days, get up, get ds up take him to school (all with a raging temperature) then go back to bed and set alarm for school pick up. I felt really sorry for myself and worried that I’d not wake up some mornings.

if there is someone that can help your h, I’d get that sorted otherwise speak to the person you’re travelling with? Would they be ok to go alone?

GruciusMalfoy · 06/12/2019 08:30

If he's saying go, and his parents are willing to lend a hand, I'd give. But i understand why you're hesitant. Do you really thinka good friend wouldn't understand that these things can happen?

GruciusMalfoy · 06/12/2019 08:31

I'd go, not I'd give*

GiveHerHellFromUs · 06/12/2019 08:31

If he's got support them go.
Although I would reconsider your friendship if you genuinely think not going could spell the end of it!