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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To go on this trip even though DH is ill?

276 replies

LisaSimpsonsbff · 06/12/2019 08:12

I'm supposed to be going to see a friend this weekend, across the Irish Sea. Two of us are going - the friend in question called in real distress (relationship breakdown) a couple of weeks ago so we booked this very last minute trip to see her and show our support.

The problem is that DH, who has had a lingering but nasty cold for weeks, has woken up with tonsillitis this morning. He says to still go but I know he's going to struggle to look after DS, who is a very lively and active 18 month old, on his own while ill (he's done it plenty of times when well, this isn't some 'man can't look after his own kid thing'). Last time he had tonsillitis he was very poorly. I don't think he'd go if it were the other way round, and I think both he and DS will have a rubbish weekend if I go.

I just don't know what to do - I'd definitely cancel if it were just a jolly, but it's not. I suspect, realistically, that if I don't go in this moment of need for my friend it'll be the end of the friendship. But on the other hand my other friend will still go, so it's not like I'm leaving devastated friend on her own. Argh, what to do?

To be clear for purposes of voting, the question is: would I be unreasonable to go (ie YABU=don't go, YANBU=go). The flight is at 8pm tonight so I need to make a decision fast and I don't know what to do for the best!

OP posts:
Dyrne · 07/12/2019 13:08

Hearhoovesthinkzebras you either have serious issues or are just trolling now.

The OP hasn’t ripped food from her children’s mouths to pay for this; it’s was just a bit tight to pay for flights and they wouldn’t easily afford new ones.

You may be happy martyring yourself even when not actually necessary but that’s no reason for the rest of us to.

Mrsjayy · 07/12/2019 13:09

I agree with you @BertrandRussell i think we have to be open to extended family/friends when we can being so insular causes problems.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 07/12/2019 13:10

I don't think it should always come first, I think it's priority. I just don't view a friend's break up as taking priority over a husband so unwell that he has to draft in help to look after their child and then spending money that the family can't afford.

Even without the illness I don't think it's right to spend money you don't have to go and visit a friend.

feelingsinister · 07/12/2019 13:11

@Hearhoovesthinkzebras look I get that you have your own values and ideas about family, friendships and relationships but it doesn't mean that yours is the only way that's ok.

Some people are very independent, even when in a relationship. For some their friends are really close, more like family. That's certainly the case for me so I treasure and value those friendships as well as my relationship with my partner. It's not that they always come first at all because they have their own partners etc but sometimes they do.

You're being very unfair to the OP and are goading her.

Don't force your ideals onto other people.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 07/12/2019 13:13

So the op asked for what? People to just agree with her? Ok

feelingsinister · 07/12/2019 13:16

@Mrsjayy I absolutely agree. I think people are really insular now and encouraged to be selfish and only think about their immediate family.

I really believe that this does create issues as people don't reach out when they need do. How many times do we read on here that people feel they can't tell their friends/family something or don't want to ask for help as everyone is too busy etc etc

This stuff just feeds into that.

Also, it's insulting to the friend that there's an assumption that a relationship breakdown isn't important when actually it's devastating. I'm sure if the OP was going through a tough break-up her friends would be there for her too.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 07/12/2019 13:23

But having a child is a huge life event too. Op says these friends have been less than supportive of that, calling her flakey.

She also feels the friendship would end if she didn't take the trip. That doesn't sound like a mutually supportive nor respectful friendship.

sunshinesupermum · 07/12/2019 13:31

She also feels the friendship would end if she didn't take the trip. That doesn't sound like a mutually supportive nor respectful friendship.

It doesn't. For me a sick husband and an 18 month toddler would have to come before any friend whose relationship had broken up.

sunshinesupermum · 07/12/2019 13:32

OP - at least your PIL are on hand to help out.

ArgumentativeAardvaark · 07/12/2019 13:39

Yesterday, even the posters telling her to go were telling her to get easy meals ready, prep everything so that he didn't have to do too much, get medicine in for him - but she couldn't do any of that because she was at work. Where was the toddler yesterday?

@Hearhoovesthinkzebras presumably the toddler was at whatever childcare he normally goes to when both parents are at work? I think OP said nursery. What an odd question to ask.

OP, glad you went and hope your friend is feeling better having the two of you there. Do you think she’ll move back to the U.K. soon?

northernstars · 07/12/2019 13:41

Hey OP. The exact thing happened to me - moved to Ireland for a man who then cheated on me. I knew no-one had no family back home etc. All my friends were there for me and I truly wouldn't have got through it otherwise. She will never forget you doing this kindness. I'm 15 years on and happier than I've ever been. I hope she's ok.

saraclara · 07/12/2019 15:48

So. If this was me, I would have asked DP if he thought he could manage. He would have said yes- and I’ll call mum and dad if I need them. I would then have called his mum and dad myself just in case he decided to be a “hard man” about it then discover too late that they’d gone to Morocco for the weekend. Once I was sure they were willing and able to help, I would be off to Ireland with a song in my heart and a spring in my step. And I would expect DP to do the same if the situation was reversed.

The same. But then I also used to go on three week solo backpacking trips with my husband's blessing (he wasn't the backpacking type). Once when he was ill. I didn't even have a friend in need excuse. Though he only had teenagers to wrangle while I was gone.

SleepingStandingUp · 07/12/2019 16:49

I've never had the experience of GPS sat around doing nothing unless we called upon them yeah cos family are either too busy to help ever or they're sitting staring at a phone waiting for a call. MIL had a life, Thursday she'll push stuff around to help me, Sat she knows she'll have two newborn grandsons and so has kept it clear for us. I appreciate not everyone has family to support them, but all this making out that the IL's are massively inconvenienced and storing up the points for later shows a rather sad interpretation of how we ideally treat those we love.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 07/12/2019 17:31

SleepingStandingUp

That's just been my experience. Mil never babysat at all. Not once. Her view, oft repeated, was that she done her child raising and wasn't doing it again.

My parents helped out more but wouldn't babysit of an evening. On the rare occasions that they did we had to be home by 11. They would literally be sat here coats on waiting to go as soon as we returned.

Never had the kids overnight. So, for me, the idea of expecting gps to help out so that you can go away for a social visit is just alien to me. My parents would have helped out in an emergency, say if one of us had been hospitalised but to go and visit a friend - no.

As far as both sets of parents were concerned they were our children and the responsibility for looking after them was ours.

Toomuchtrouble4me · 07/12/2019 17:31

If he gets on anti B’s immediately then he’ll be fine - but yes, his parents should help. Go.

SleepingStandingUp · 07/12/2019 18:37

@Hearhoovesthinkzebras fair enough, and I know lots of families work like that. We only get part day childcare as DS has additional needs and it gets complicated but where families are willing and a el to help, it's a good thing they do. We all benefit from a lite help now and again

Jack80 · 07/12/2019 20:00

See if you can take your little one or could someone have your little one

Tubbymummy44 · 07/12/2019 20:07

I would have cancelled, just because I have had tonsillitis many times unfortunately and I feel utterly horrendous.

Original poster
LisaSimpsonsbff · 08/12/2019 10:25

On my way home - will be home by lunch. Everyone is apparently fine. DH did text me saying 'did you know that there's an apocalypse now episode of hey duggee', so I panicked that he had entered a feverish delirium, but googling revealed that that is, incredibly, true.

Friend cried when trying to say how much it meant to her that we'd gone out. She was not in a good way at all and I'm very worried about her, but glad I went. Thank you for all the advice - feel happy that I made the right choice, but have also told DH that I owe him big!

OP posts:
Beveren · 08/12/2019 10:35

Great, OP. It's lovely to hear about people who rally round for each other, whether it's you for your friend, or your ILs for you and your family.

MustardScreams · 08/12/2019 10:38

Oh op that’s a good update. Glad everyone survived the 2019 Tonsillitis Drama!

I hope your friend is ok, I think it’s so important you were there for her this weekend. Thanks for being lovely!

peachgreen · 08/12/2019 10:42

So glad it all worked out. You definitely made the right decision.

Dyrne · 08/12/2019 10:46

Aww OP I’m so glad you went, and it was meaningful to your friend. I think sometimes it’s easy to dismiss relationship breakdowns as “just a break up” but they really can throw people sideways. Hopefully you can give her some ongoing support from afar and encourage her to build up her support network locally.

motortroll · 08/12/2019 10:57

Op you have come across as a very caring person in this thread. The fact you even had the dilemma shows that! I'd be happy to have a friend like you.

Doyouavocado · 08/12/2019 11:01

I would go but I would prepare meals etc to make it as easy as possible for them.

If you was a single parent you would have to do it alone