To go on this trip even though DH is ill?

[LisaSimpsonsbff]

I'm supposed to be going to see a friend this weekend, across the Irish Sea. Two of us are going - the friend in question called in real distress (relationship breakdown) a couple of weeks ago so we booked this very last minute trip to see her and show our support.

The problem is that DH, who has had a lingering but nasty cold for weeks, has woken up with tonsillitis this morning. He says to still go but I know he's going to struggle to look after DS, who is a very lively and active 18 month old, on his own while ill (he's done it plenty of times when well, this isn't some 'man can't look after his own kid thing'). Last time he had tonsillitis he was very poorly. I don't think he'd go if it were the other way round, and I think both he and DS will have a rubbish weekend if I go.

I just don't know what to do - I'd definitely cancel if it were just a jolly, but it's not. I suspect, realistically, that if I don't go in this moment of need for my friend it'll be the end of the friendship. But on the other hand my other friend will still go, so it's not like I'm leaving devastated friend on her own. Argh, what to do?

To be clear for purposes of voting, the question is: would I be unreasonable to go (ie YABU=don't go, YANBU=go). The flight is at 8pm tonight so I need to make a decision fast and I don't know what to do for the best!

Go! If you were going to be leaving your DH with no help then my advice might be different, but if your ILs are happy to come over and help out I think it's fine. Of course your family come first, but that doesn't mean that your friends come nowhere.

I'd go, single parents have to cope looking after their kids when ill. He'll survive and I'm sure ds won't mind a weekend in with a bit of screen time for distraction just this once. Friendships are important too and it sounds like your friend needs you x

He is telling you he will sort it out so just go the toddler will be fine for a couple of days and GPs are coming stop feeling guilty.

Of course single parents cope. That doesn’t mean that’s a good thing!

I would go if DH's parents were around and available for the whole weekend, otherwise I would not go. Can you speak to ILs and ask? DH may be feeling too ill to sort it out at the moment and once you have their answer you can make a better decision

If there was no-one on hand to help DH, I wouldn't go I think but it is a hard one

I had tonsilitus recently and it was so bad

I had to get hubby to come home from work to look after the kids

Can't you take your child with you? X

Go, he has support and he’s asked you to anyway.

Can you get friends or family take the child out every day for a few hours so DH can get some extra rest?

If he's telling you to go and his parents are on board to help then I think it's ok for you to go.

However I think I'd be re-evaluating friendships in the new year if were you. Your friend can't understand your life has changed now you have a child, but expects you to drop everything and fly to see them because they're relationship has broken down. This is a pretty big ask of someone with a young child. I'm sure you could support her with lots of phone calls, Skype, etc.

I think I’d double check myself that his parents are definitely on board and know he’s probably going to need more than just an hour or two of their time tomorrow - can they come round tonight?. And if they are ok to stick around from today, I’d go.

However I’d also be a bit about any friend who would ditch me for cancelling under these circumstances.

In fact it would make me rethink the friendship full stop.

I agree with @PuppyMonkey

If he has bacterial tonsillitis he needs to see a GP and get some penicillin. I had bacterial tonsillitis probably 20-30 times growing up and it developed into quinsy when I was 16 because I didn’t get antibiotics, I was hospitalised for a week and had to have my tonsils drained. I last had tonsillitis about four years ago and it’s hideous, I have the upmost of sympathies for anyone suffering with it.

I wouldn’t go personally and would explain to friend why you can’t make it. Your DH must be in agony, I’d hate to think of DH leaving me alone with our toddler if I was seriously ill.

I wouldn’t fuck about with a friend who might ditch me for not making her bedside after a break up. Who does that?

Dumping and getting dumped is part of life, I certainly wouldn’t expect friends to get on a plane for me, nor would I be likely to do so myself.

Friends who don’t understand how life changes when you have kids? Makes them sound needy and demanding.

Would she/they do this for you? Doesn’t sound like it.

Does the first page of the thread work for everyone else?

I got this weird error.

I'm sure someone must've mentioned this, but could your parents or ILs give him a hand if you go?

I had to reload my pages as was getting that error.

Can't you take the child with you?

Have you got any leeway with your budget? I don’t know if taking your ds is a great idea if your friend is distressed but could you consider a babysitter (agency?) to help out your dh at least one of the days so he can stay in bed and rest? Do you have any mum friends/friends who would consider doing the same with the promise of a humongous favour back in the bank? Could you write off your original return flight and get home sooner?

Ultimately a lot of parents do just have to muddle through when they’re ill, but when you’re not in a situation like that why would you make life more difficult than it has to be?

I think it’s lovely that your making such an effort to see your friend, but I have to say I also think it’s a big ask when you have dc. I know loads of people will brush it off but when things fall apart (as Sod’s law dictates!) the repercussions affect a lot more people especially if you’re short on outside support. I get that your friends don’t quite understand given they don’t have dc, but you may have to stand your ground regardless of their opinion in the end because you have to take the best option for your family which is more than you in isolation.

Sorry, "your" child.

Not ideal but might actually be a nice distraction for your friend.

You should absolutely go, he doesn’t have a serious or life threatening illness, it’s just tonsillitis. In the circumstances, a woman would definitely be expected to manage. I would think that’s a poor excuse if I was your friend.

If his parents will help, that's much of the problem solved. There are a couple of friends who I would do this for and vice versa. We've been there through thick and thin. One of them knew me before I married for the first time. She is God Mum to my DD and I luffs her. I think she would understand if I really couldn't go though. She's not a flight away but about 6 hr round trip.

Don't take your toddler as is being suggested. You can't focus on your friend then. Toddler will be fine for one weekend having extra screen time while dad takes it easy.

If he’s got true tonsillitis he won’t be able to look after a toddler.

If his parents are around, 100% go. He'll have help - not just for if he feels rubbish but also to watch your toddler if he does need to go to the walk in centre tomorrow to get antibiotics (although I think he should probably go today!). Looking after small children when you're ill is miserable but not actually impossible - they'll have a quiet weekend, probably watch more tv than you'd like but it's not going to harm anyone.

Whattodo. I sympathise about the quinsy. XH had it. Because he was such a knob, I assumed he was making up 'the voice'. He ended up in hospital.... Found out a relative nearly died of it many years of it ago as his throat nearly closed up but was saved by another relative doing a gruesome emergency procedure. Did you have the distinctive voice thing? Not sure how statistically likely it is to develop?