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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To go on this trip even though DH is ill?

276 replies

LisaSimpsonsbff · 06/12/2019 08:12

I'm supposed to be going to see a friend this weekend, across the Irish Sea. Two of us are going - the friend in question called in real distress (relationship breakdown) a couple of weeks ago so we booked this very last minute trip to see her and show our support.

The problem is that DH, who has had a lingering but nasty cold for weeks, has woken up with tonsillitis this morning. He says to still go but I know he's going to struggle to look after DS, who is a very lively and active 18 month old, on his own while ill (he's done it plenty of times when well, this isn't some 'man can't look after his own kid thing'). Last time he had tonsillitis he was very poorly. I don't think he'd go if it were the other way round, and I think both he and DS will have a rubbish weekend if I go.

I just don't know what to do - I'd definitely cancel if it were just a jolly, but it's not. I suspect, realistically, that if I don't go in this moment of need for my friend it'll be the end of the friendship. But on the other hand my other friend will still go, so it's not like I'm leaving devastated friend on her own. Argh, what to do?

To be clear for purposes of voting, the question is: would I be unreasonable to go (ie YABU=don't go, YANBU=go). The flight is at 8pm tonight so I need to make a decision fast and I don't know what to do for the best!

OP posts:
IWantADifferentName · 06/12/2019 10:29

He says he can cope. Without evidence to the contrary, trust him. Go.

It is amazing what you can do when you are sick and there is no one else around.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 06/12/2019 10:32

Oh lord. When I had tonsillitis as an adult I felt like I'd been steam rollered. I couldn't get out of bed and had to crawl to the toilet. My DH had to stay at home to look after the children. Is there anyone that can help him look after the baby?

WhatchaMaCalllit · 06/12/2019 10:33

I've read the OP's opening post and thought - reverse the situation - DH is well enough to travel and OP is the one with tonsillitis. Would the DH go without the OP? Would the DH leave the OP with the lively toddler. If he would then you have your answer. You will also have your answer if he decided to stay too.

peachgreen · 06/12/2019 10:44

If he has family help around, he'll be fine.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 06/12/2019 10:44

WhatchaMaCalllit
Op said her husband would cancel if the situation was reversed

BlouseAndSkirt · 06/12/2019 10:48

He says go.
He has his parents available and willing to help.
There is batch cooked food in the freezer.

I honestly don’t see why you wouldn’t go.

MintyMabel · 06/12/2019 10:53

If he says go, then go.

He needs to get seen and have meds for it.

More often than not tonsillitis doesn’t need meds. It will clear up of its own accord in an otherwise healthy adult. I have it at the moment and have no intention of going to the doctors. I get it quite regularly and have only ever had treatment if I am very poorly with it. It’s no wonder we have a problem with drug resistant bugs if people are trotting off for an Antibiotic with every throat infection.

NoSauce · 06/12/2019 10:58

Depends what sort of tonsillitis it is. Bacterial does need it, it’s not trotting off ffs.

ArgumentativeAardvaark · 06/12/2019 10:58

How we’ll do you get in with your in laws? Are they likely to be arsey about having to come over to help DH because you have gone on a childfree girls’ weekend? (I am using the type of words they might use if they are negative towards you). My MIL has a close and long-standing group of female friends she’d do anything for- I know because she’s always telling me boring stories about their lives Wink- so in your position she would be telling me to go and support my friend and not worry about a thing. But your in-laws may not be like that.

Also, how well does DH know your friend? Does he care for her and want her to be supported? That will make a difference to how stoic he feels about battling through while ill.

I have never had tonsillitis as an adult as mine were removed when I was 4, but I do have very recent memory of quite how high-maintenance an 18-month old can be. Your DH sounds lovely. It’s a tricky one.

Marmitepasta · 06/12/2019 10:59

Well mabel it depends on the type of tonsilitis that he has.
Viral tonsilitis obvs no need for anti b but bad bacterial tonsilitis, he needs it.
If you say you get it regularly and just cope, I suspect it isn't 'real' bacterial tonsillitis. On the rare occasions that I have had it, I was barely able to get out of bed before I got anti bs

SleepingStandingUp · 06/12/2019 10:59

Op I'd go.
He's saying he will be OK and understands this is important. His parents are available. Tell him to try and get into the docs today, accept he might spend lots on crap food and the house might look like a bomb exploded. But that doesn't matter.

Quiet weekend of junk and telly, Nanny and Grandad to take him out so DH can sleep and you'll be home.

Re end of friendship, I think I get you. It isn't about a big blow up and "were not friends any more" drama but the slow death of feeling like someone can't be there when you really really need them. She'll just stop telling you and asking for help. You won't be able to go to her because you couldn't be there for her. It'll just die from the inside out.

Sunflower20 · 06/12/2019 11:10

If you really value this friendship then go. Is this a worthy friendship to you?

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 06/12/2019 11:15

I wouldn't go. Tonsillitis can floor some people. People saying your son will be fine with a movie weekend- if anything like mine when she was 18 months she will watch 2 mins of something then start climbing on furniture, and generally causing mayhem if shes not being entertained. Looking after an active 18 month old is exhausting in itself

Could you take your toddler with you?

The only way I'd go is if he had a lot of help (someone to take your son for the day not just to pop in for an hour)

AngusThermopyle · 06/12/2019 11:26

I'd still go to friend in need personally.
I know everyone is different but I and one dd have suffered tonsillitis many a time over the years. Usually though within a day of taking antibiotics the symptoms subsided quickly. Are antibiotics still prescribed though for this?, it's been years since my last episode but dd still get them on prescription when necessary. Generally we both crack on with it though, she's a mum now and I had four kids so it was a case of having to.

WWlOOlWW · 06/12/2019 11:29

I'd take your DH words at face value. Only he knows how bad he feels.

BertrandRussell · 06/12/2019 11:32

Make sure there’s food in the house. Ring his mum and dad and make sure they’re free and know what’s going on.
Have a good time.

FAQs · 06/12/2019 11:33

People on their own cope with a lot more than that whilst looking after children sure he will be fine!

QueSera · 06/12/2019 11:33

I wouldn't go. I've suffered from tonsillitis and it can be utterly brutal. I couldn't leave my DH to look after an 18m-old all weekend in that state.
If your friend is a good friend, she'll understand why you can't go. If she would end the friendship if you don't go because your DH is ill, well that's just bizarre and very selfish.

Quartz2208 · 06/12/2019 11:35

Your DH is being a good partner in saying he could do it but honestly he may not be able to (you really do need to figure out how bad he actually is and what support he has) and where you loyalities lie

There is a lot here that says these friends are not the friends you need given there attitude towards you and your child

dreamingbohemian · 06/12/2019 11:37

I've had some horrible relationship breakdowns in the past, but I would never in a million years expect a friend to fly to me, let alone with a very sick husband and a toddler at home. That's what phones and skype are for, especially if another friend will physically be there.

It's an awful dilemma for you, I would pick the friend if it were a normal cold but tonsillitis can turn badly very quickly.

She would not be reasonable to hold it against you. Breakups are awful but they're a part of life, your friends can only do so much. You can support her in lots of ways other than physically travelling there.

Fruitteatime · 06/12/2019 11:38

Depends if your family or friends are more important. I can't believe that a friend wouldn't understand that you need to stay at home to look after your ds because your dh is too unwell to look after him. I had tonsillitis recently, it really floored me and I had to rope dh in to do extra school runs. I did have very active 1 year old at home with me but I was a terrible parent until I felt better. I'd really have felt betrayed if dp had gone on a weekend away unless someone was on their death bed and he needed to see them. The other friend is still going, surely that is the decider. Who will support your dh if ds suddenly gets ill in the middle of the night?

Etinox · 06/12/2019 11:38

•Message your pils to guilt trip them in case they’re wavering say thank you.
•Take home hot water bottle/ Ribena/ lemsip/ sage tea/ sticker books or dvds for dc
•go!

Chocolateandchats · 06/12/2019 11:40

My husband would not expect me to cancel a weekend away because of tonsillitis. Yours doesn’t either. Call your MIL and explain you feel awful and that you’re really glad she’ll be round to help with your little one. Explain how grateful you are and then go and see your friend. Most of us have had to cope with a toddler at some point when we’ve not been well enough, he’ll survive.

Goodnightjude1 · 06/12/2019 11:40

Genuinely shocked at pp that suggested tonsillitis doesn’t need antibiotics....

The last time I had it, I couldn’t swallow. I sat on a bus on the way to the drs (aged 36) crying and dribbling in to a tissue because I physically COULD NOT swallow. It can be horrendous. I would more than happily have delivered my 11lb son again than have had tonsillitis.

So no....it doesn’t always get better by itself 🙄

wintertime6 · 06/12/2019 11:42

I've had tonsillitis once and it was horrendous. Although that was before I had kids, but there's no way I'd have been able to look after a young child on my own. I think your priority has to be your husband. If you can sort out some help with childcare and he's happy for you to go, then that's fine. But if not, then I don't see how you can go.