To go on this trip even though DH is ill?

[LisaSimpsonsbff]

I'm supposed to be going to see a friend this weekend, across the Irish Sea. Two of us are going - the friend in question called in real distress (relationship breakdown) a couple of weeks ago so we booked this very last minute trip to see her and show our support.

The problem is that DH, who has had a lingering but nasty cold for weeks, has woken up with tonsillitis this morning. He says to still go but I know he's going to struggle to look after DS, who is a very lively and active 18 month old, on his own while ill (he's done it plenty of times when well, this isn't some 'man can't look after his own kid thing'). Last time he had tonsillitis he was very poorly. I don't think he'd go if it were the other way round, and I think both he and DS will have a rubbish weekend if I go.

I just don't know what to do - I'd definitely cancel if it were just a jolly, but it's not. I suspect, realistically, that if I don't go in this moment of need for my friend it'll be the end of the friendship. But on the other hand my other friend will still go, so it's not like I'm leaving devastated friend on her own. Argh, what to do?

To be clear for purposes of voting, the question is: would I be unreasonable to go (ie YABU=don't go, YANBU=go). The flight is at 8pm tonight so I need to make a decision fast and I don't know what to do for the best!

I would definitely go, seeing as how he is telling you to go and his parents can come over to help. They can look after DH if he's really poorly, and your DH can direct them how to best look after your DC.

Depends how bad your dh is. I probably would have asked my dp to leave some snacks and water with me in the bedroom, lock the front door and stuck her in front of a screen for the day if there was no other option. It wouldn't be ideal but we would get through.

Can you either bring Ds with you or have you got any family that could help your dh?

Stuck her = my dd

In the circumstances, a woman would definitely be expected to manage.

Yep. And as I said SINGLE PARENTS. There's such a lot of fussing in this thread. His parents are around, ffs. He says he'll be okay, but lots of women on this thread are infantilising him.

In the circumstances, a woman would definitely be expected to manage.

Really?

AIBU - I have tonsillitis. My DH is due to go away for the weekend with friends so I'll be on my own with an 18 month old. I've told him to go because I know it's important to him

I wonder how many people would say of course you can manage. Just put the TV on?

I think the people saying tonsillitis isn't a big deal are the ones who haven't had bacterial tonsillitis. Kind of like the people who come into work with a cold and declare they have the flu. No, if you can get out of bed you don't have the flu.

Same as this. Bacterial tonsillitis (if that's what he's got) floors you.

My partner left me for a weekend football trip a few weeks back when I was bed ridden with our 17 month old DS. Hardest weekend of my life and I won’t forget he did that. I would reschedule.

He says he'll be okay, but lots of women on this thread are infantilising him.

I think women are infantilising the friend personally.

Would I ask a friend to get on a flight because I’d been dumped? No
Would I be grateful if DH cancelled his weekend to look after a toddler as I was ill? Hugely (altho I wouldn’t ask him to).

I think if OP was the one with tonsillitis and DH was fucking off to see his mate the responses would be different.

It’s not that DH can’t cope, of course he can - he says he’ll be fine. But it’s so nice to have support when you’re ill.

People manage if they have to it’s human nature. The balancing question is here how ill is he and how badly would it be for him to manage vs how in distress her friend is two weeks after a break up
The way she talks about her friend and the fact she would be dropped for this implies that her friends wouldn’t do the same for her and that she should prioritise her family
This doesn’t sound like a man who is putting it on or doing it because he doesn’t want her to go

People can’t and don’t always manage. It depends how ill they are.

I agree it's not about whether or not husband can cope, it's about is it really necessary to go to the friend?

Exactly, I don't think it's reasonable of the friend to expect in-person comforting for a breakup, to the extent the friendship will suffer if she doesn't get it. The OP can still spend hours on the phone with her, skype with her, she can still be there for her.

But, she can't help her husband from a distance. Yes his parents will be around but not at 3 am if things get worse.

Go. Your DH has his parents for support.

I'd go if DP has his parents help. However I think I would only go for one night and be back tomorrow. It's a compromise. Best of luck.

It really depends on how bad it is. Tonsillitis can be fairly mild and it can be debilitating. I've had it in both forms and the debilitating time I was almost delirious with it. I couldn't have been home alone let alone alone and looking after a small child.

Not always any point in gp for tonsillitis as it is usually viral. Antibiotics will only help bacterial forms. Pain meds and throats sweets can only do so much.

It's hard to say but if your dh really is ill he shouldn't be left supervising a baby for the weekend. It's not fair on either of them

As a single parent you've no choice but to look after children when you're sick.

Your friend needs some support now.
Your DH has his parents there as back-up. They can take the child overnight surely.

Your friends relationships problems arent your problem.
I understand she needs support but your family should come before her.
I would stay home.
Your child needs full on attention and husband cant provide that sick.
If your friend ends the friendship she isnt a friend to begin with.

your DH has his parents there as back-up. They can take the child overnight surely.

Why surely ?

Also, everything @shooturlocalmethdealer says.

DH isn’t a single parent so that’s not relevant. And if OP was a single parent she wouldn’t be able to go anyway (equally irrelevant).

I don’t understand why you are expected to travel to Ireland to support your friend. Surely a phone call is all that is necessary? Even when my marriage ended, I would not have demanded support from overseas friends!

“ I understand she needs support but your family should come before her.”

Yep. And there is family to look after the child. So she can go to support her friend, no?

I spent four days hospitalized for tonsillitis due to no ability for swallowing and needing IV antibiotics

Can’t load TFT so apologies if it’s been suggested already but why not take DS??

Hear me out here. Leaving him with DH who is unwell will no doubt mean they both have a shit time- it’s not fair especially as you say DH would not do it to you.

In your situation I would call your friend and say ‘DH has come down with tonsillitis and is too unwell to care for DS. Obviously I want to be there with you but I’ll have to bring him as no other options.’

At which point your friend can say No it’s fine if they don’t want you to but she can’t accuse you of not coming through for her.

I know taking an 18 month old on this type of trip will be a right pain but it puts the owness on friend to make the choice.

Yep. And there is family to look after the child. So she can go to support her friend, no?

3 people (4 incl OP) have to put themselves out all because a woman’s sad over a man? It’s absurd. Why doesn’t she put her own family out?

If she’d had a bereavement or a major accident it would be different.

Because friendship?

Aren’t you worried about your little boy and how well he will be cared for if your husband feels so poorly.
Also I don’t think you should rely on the in-laws, they could wake up poorly too!