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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To go on this trip even though DH is ill?

276 replies

LisaSimpsonsbff · 06/12/2019 08:12

I'm supposed to be going to see a friend this weekend, across the Irish Sea. Two of us are going - the friend in question called in real distress (relationship breakdown) a couple of weeks ago so we booked this very last minute trip to see her and show our support.

The problem is that DH, who has had a lingering but nasty cold for weeks, has woken up with tonsillitis this morning. He says to still go but I know he's going to struggle to look after DS, who is a very lively and active 18 month old, on his own while ill (he's done it plenty of times when well, this isn't some 'man can't look after his own kid thing'). Last time he had tonsillitis he was very poorly. I don't think he'd go if it were the other way round, and I think both he and DS will have a rubbish weekend if I go.

I just don't know what to do - I'd definitely cancel if it were just a jolly, but it's not. I suspect, realistically, that if I don't go in this moment of need for my friend it'll be the end of the friendship. But on the other hand my other friend will still go, so it's not like I'm leaving devastated friend on her own. Argh, what to do?

To be clear for purposes of voting, the question is: would I be unreasonable to go (ie YABU=don't go, YANBU=go). The flight is at 8pm tonight so I need to make a decision fast and I don't know what to do for the best!

OP posts:
Elvesdontdomagic · 06/12/2019 09:53

I always put my immediate family before my friends so this would be an easy decision for me. I'd spend the weekend worrying about my toddler if I went so I wouldn't go and explain why to my friend and offer telephone/skype support instead.

NoSauce · 06/12/2019 09:56

You should absolutely go, he doesn’t have a serious or life threatening illness, it’s just tonsillitis

You are confusing a sore throat with tonsillitis. There’s no just where tonsillitis is concerned. You feel extremely ill and are not able to look after a small child.

diddl · 06/12/2019 09:56

I think if the friendship would end because your husband is ill & you need to be there for your child, then they don't deserve the thought & effort that you have put in to going in the first place tbh.

BertrandRussell · 06/12/2019 09:57

I would probably ring his parents to make sure they are around and and will definitely help.If the are, then go.

Mama1980 · 06/12/2019 10:00

If his parents are around so that he has help then I'd go.
Friends are important.
If he'd be entirely on his own then I'd cancel, tonsillitis can make you ver unwell.

BarbedBloom · 06/12/2019 10:01

I would only go if his parents were able to help for most of the weekend. I always feel worse on second day with tonsillitis and there was no way I could have looked after a child.

I have to say, I don't think I would have much time for a friend who would ditch me for not coming to help her get over a relationship breakdown when it meant leaving my very ill husband and young child

Oysterbabe · 06/12/2019 10:02

I thought tonsillitis was just a sore throat until DD got it and she was so ill I thought she had sepsis. She had a temp of 40 and barely moved from the sofa for 5 days.

PuppyMonkey · 06/12/2019 10:04

I would think that’s a poor excuse if I was your friend.

I would be rethinking my friendship with you if you thought that.

Stripyhoglets1 · 06/12/2019 10:06

I would go if DH has said to go. And follow all the other advice about calling in help and getting nice food in etc.

Saracen · 06/12/2019 10:06

Your DH reckons he'll cope so unless he has a history of playing martyr by saying "it's okay" when it really isn't... I'd go.

Especially since his parents have offered to help out. And presumably if he takes a major turn for the worse they will leap in with even more help.

dubmumof2 · 06/12/2019 10:07

Honestly I think you would regret not being there for your friend more afterwards. Today will be the worst day for the tonsilitis and tomorrow morning when you realise that your DH could have managed to give your Dc breakfast and plonk them in front of the telly with our ILs coming round to organise lunch you'll regret that you didn't just go to your friend. It won't be the first time that illness (kids or partners) will rear its head and force you to change plans but in this case your DH has said go, there are contingencies in place and you can go....it won't always be that way...

dubmumof2 · 06/12/2019 10:07

*your ILs

TatianaLarina · 06/12/2019 10:08

Why should so many people be put out just because (presumably) this woman got dumped? OP+DH+PILs. 4 adults? All running around this woman.

Who needs the kind of friend who would dump you for this?

It’s fine for the one friend to go on her own. How can the friend need more than that? Surely she has family and other friends around her in Ireland?

Stand by your DH and PIL and find better friends.

TatianaLarina · 06/12/2019 10:09

Personally I would not want a friend of mine to put herself and her entire family out for me.

FraglesRock · 06/12/2019 10:09

Has he started on antibiotics, hopefully he'll feel better soon if so. See if you can rope in some help.
If not I'd cancel.

MustardScreams · 06/12/2019 10:11

Go! Your friend needs you. Caring for a toddler whilst ill is shit, but his parents are around and he’s an adult. He can call people if it’s too difficult.

Single parents cope with small children and worse illnesses all the time, it’s really not that difficult. You just have to suck it up.

Infinityandbeyondthestars · 06/12/2019 10:11

I'm not sure i'd go, ive had tonsillitis many times and not only is it agony but you feel dreadful and high temps etc. I would stay and help out DH, if it was the other way round, i would appreciate my DH staying so i could recover.

Marmitepasta · 06/12/2019 10:11

Tonsillitis can be really bad. I would only go if his parents can properly help all weekend.
The other friend is going so she'll still have someone coming.

81Byerley · 06/12/2019 10:12

Go, if his parents can help, that should be fine.

drivingtofrance · 06/12/2019 10:15

DH is telling you to go. So I think you should. He knows how he feels more than anyone else.

His parents will be able to help out somewhat - so that DH can get some rest

Is it two nights away? You'll be home on Sunday? It's not so long away from home.

However don't be so sure that your friends will think too badly of you if you HAVE to cancel. You might be overthinking that side of things.

Ultimately it's your choice. but I think you should go

Span1elsRock · 06/12/2019 10:20

I used to get tonisilitis regularly, and I couldn't even look after myself let alone an 18 month old.

And if DH had gone on a weekend away, I'd have been furious!

I think your family should come first.

Quartz2208 · 06/12/2019 10:21

It all depends on what tonsillitis it is and whether there is a chance it could worsen and then he wouldn’t be able to cope. I have had it and literally be in bed unable to move

Can his parents help all weekend as well

The bit I think though is most striking is that if you put your son first over her then you think your friendship would be over.

diddl · 06/12/2019 10:21

"Who needs the kind of friend who would dump you for this?"

That's what I think.

Not much of a friend, is she?

CottonSock · 06/12/2019 10:22

I'd tell friend you can only come if you bring ds, although that might not be possible. He doesn't need a seat on flight at that age though. Maybe you can add him.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 06/12/2019 10:26

Call your in-laws. Will they have toddler tomorrow, so DH can rest? Or come round and spend the day at yours?

If he has real, organised help - not just "we'll come over if he calls us half dead" - then I'd consider going. If there's no definite, concrete support, I wouldn't.

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