Views on ‘starting a new family’?

[irishglaze]

I’m interested in people’s views on this as personally I’ve never experienced it first hand as neither my father or my mother had other children when they separated. My brother has been getting into arguments at work with a guy who has been ‘calling him out’ (DB’s words) on having children with his wife when he has a son from a previous relationship. DB had his son at 18 and he was unplanned. They split when she found out she was pregnant and she got with another man. He wasn’t in his life for the best part of 3 years as his ex claimed the other man was his son’s father. There was a DNA test and DB is now on the birth certificate. He has contact EOW on the weekends with overnights. He’s been married to his wife for 2 years now (together for 7) and they have a 3 year old. They are now expecting another early next year. DB’s colleague obviously had some words to say when he revealed the new arrival at work. He claimed DB shouldn’t have any more children and should concentrate on the one he already has. It’s really upset him, he’s a wonderful father and has always gone above and beyond.

Personally I think that as long as you maintain regular contact with your first child(ren) and include them in your family life then you’re not abandoning them. What are other people’s views? Obviously it’s not just men as the same can be said for women who have more children too

because you're no longer married and its none of your business maybe?

I’m sure you feel it is better for your child, I am allowed to think that its a weird stance to take. It doesn't bother me I just think its weird and unnecessary

You think it’s a weird stance to consider the impact of more children on your existing child before having them?

I would have much preffered it if dp had an amicable relationship with his ex, and include me in that too. I am not sure why anyone wouldn't want that?

Aaaaah suddenly all is clear.

I’m not a fan of blended families personally, and I think the more children and the more parents in the equation, the harder it is. You only have to look at the step parenting boards to see the issues that come up, from women who want to have time with just their children and who resent the DSC, to children who don’t like/get on with the step parents/step siblings and who are resentful of the fact that they don’t have a permanent home while the second families all do. And then there are the fathers who spend more time with the children who aren’t their own and who prioritise those over their own children.

Throw that mix into both sides of the family and it’s unrealistic to suggest that the children will come out unscathed.

You think it’s a weird stance to consider the impact of more children on your existing child before having them?

hahahahahah, that's not what I said is it? i said I think its weird that you made a commitment with your EX husband not to have any more kids when you split. Why are you trying to twist my words?

Aaaaah suddenly all is clear.

sorry but what is that supposed to mean?

I said I think its weird that you made a commitment with your EX husband not to have any more kids when you split

That’s exactly what we did. Considered the impact more children would have on our existing child. It’s called parenting.

sorry but what is that supposed to mean?

Just you’ve made it very obvious why you have a bizarre obsession with this type of thread. I get it, it’s disappointing. But not everyone is incapable of divorcing and co-parenting amicably.

I don't understand blended families at all, it seems like the vast majority of them on MN (I don't know anyone IRL who has one) have been thrown together with no thought for the older children.

If all the adults involved are friendly and in fact friends, then perhaps it could actually work, but then again I know precisely no divorced people who actually like their ex.

That’s exactly what we did. Considered the impact more children would have on our existing child. It’s called parenting

yes, you considered it and both individually decided not to have more children, fine. Whats weird is that you've almost made a pact with your ex to have no more kids, when realistically neither of you knew what would happen in future. I personally find that weird.

There is no need to try and patronise me, I know what parenting is, I am one.

We also considered the impact, and decided that actually it would all be fine, and it has been.

just you’ve made it very obvious why you have a bizarre obsession with this type of thread. I get it, it’s disappointing. But not everyone is incapable of divorcing and co-parenting amicably

bizzare obsession? or just commenting on threads containing things I have experience in? I am not sure why you even mention obsession Jaques since its well known that you frequent the step parenting boards just to stick the boot in....?

i'm not disappointed that they don't co parent amicably (though dss is 15 there is not much need for them to communicate anyway now!) it would have just made life a bit easier in the start I suppose, but again thank you for trying to belittle me.

Whats weird is that you've almost made a pact with your ex to have no more kids, when realistically neither of you knew what would happen in future. I personally find that weird

I absolutely know 100% I will have no more children. It’s ok to know that.

since its well known that you frequent the step parenting boards just to stick the boot in....?

Oh bless you. A quick search will reveal I’ve never posted on the step-parenting board .

I don't get this - the colleague thinks because you had an accident baby at 18 and didn't stay with your partner, you can never have another child?

Still it does show the advantages of not discussing private matters with one's colleagues. Stick to work topics, the weather, and Love Island and nobody gets upset.

because you're no longer married and its none of your business maybe?

Except in many cases it is your business until the child is 18. If he moves miles away it's your business, if he gets a new job and needs to change access arrangements it's your business. He may not be legally obliged to tell you if he's considering these things but if you're both reasonable people it's likely that big decisions which affect the child will be discussed.

It’s hard to know really.

But in general, I think kids from first families often miss out. If the DC1 only sees his dad EOW then that’s far less contact than the every day that DC2 and the due to be born DC3 will have. EOW contact doesn’t really provide the same opportunity to build up a close relationship with a parent as daily contact that resident children have.

Plus, the more DCs that a parent has, its inevitable that their time and attention will have to be split in more directions.

Sorry to sound negative.

I think that the 2 child limit on benefits should extend to a man who already has children with another woman. This should the children the next girlfriend/wife already has.

Yeah, but that would only be possible if the first children were included in both benefit claims wouldn’t it? But as only one parent can claim for a child then your little theory will not fly. 💩 soz hun.

I think the only time I feel the parent starting a new family is unreasonable is when there is a hierarchy between the children from previous partners and those with the current partner. For example if his older child wanted to live with his dad rather than his mum would that be accommodated, does he make the same effort to go see school plays, sports days etc. I do judge non residential parents who think their dad/mum of the year for seeing their kid 4 days a month, pay child support and buy Christmas pressies but don't make the effort to actually get invested in decisions, know exactly what's going on in their life etc. That said I judge those parents whether they have new kids or not.

I think it’s miserable that there are so many comments about money. We’ve been a low income family, a high income family then low income again and now heading back towards being high income, a single parent family, a blended family and now have more children. The bond between all of our children is positively delightful. Stressful, with 7 kids, but there is so much more to life, love and family than money.

Should everyone with a dc have no more chidden and just concentrate on the one they already have?

I absolutely know 100% I will have no more children. It’s ok to know that

I never said it wasn't, in fact I am 100% certain I wont have any more kids either. Would I promise my ex that? No.

Jaques pretty sure ive seen several nasty comments from you before... but whatever, you're clearly holier than thou!

Except in many cases it is your business until the child is 18. If he moves miles away it's your business, if he gets a new job and needs to change access arrangements it's your business. He may not be legally obliged to tell you if he's considering these things but if you're both reasonable people it's likely that big decisions which affect the child will be discussed

whether your ex plans on having further children really isn't any of your business, moving yes, changing access yes, but planning further babies? no because it shouldn't / wont affect you as an ex.

also a discussion is different than informing you. Would I discuss whether I should have a baby with my new husband with my ex? fuck, no. Would I tell my ex I was pregnant with another baby with new husband? of course! v different.

Should everyone with a dc have no more chidden and just concentrate on the one they already have?

I think anyone with a child should always consider the impact of more children on their existing child. That absolutely doesn’t automatically equal only having one child (although environmentally that’s no bad thing!)

pretty sure ive seen several nasty comments from you before... but whatever, you're clearly holier than thou!

No. I just don’t “go on the step-parenting board to stick the boot in”. Im not sure anyone is well-known for that, but it’s certainly not me. I think step-parents on the whole get unfairly treated on MN.

yes, you considered it and both individually decided not to have more children, fine. Whats weird is that you've almost made a pact with your ex to have no more kids, when realistically neither of you knew what would happen in future. I personally find that weird.

Not weird at all. I think what people in blended families don't realise is that a lot of people would strive to avoid blended families at all costs.

Jaques of course you do.

entropy

I don't think anyone strives to create a blended family do you?

is it my ideal? no, I don't think its anyones but its a reality for a lot of people.

I know I don't want any more children (not for any reason re blended families I just don't want any more children ever with anyone!) but I wouldn't feel the need to confirm that with my ex, to be honest.

I think a lot of people on this thread are very small minded and rude.

I think a lot of people on this thread are very small minded and rude.

I can't see how it's rude to say, I would never want to have kids with another man should my marriage fail because I can see how it would be an absolute nightmare for my older kids.

Like I said, if it's an amicable setup and there's been a good long period of adjustment (years) and all the parents are friends, it might work . But you can see how unusual this is just by the reaction to discussing future children with the ex. It's not as 'friends', although that would be good, but rather about the older kids that you share with them i.e. how do you think they would cope? and so on.

entropy I didn't say YOU were being rude did I?

What a brilliant attitude you have Jacques 😊.

It’s great when people actively choose to put the needs of existing kids first. Too many people are too “me, me, me” in today’s society to do that.

I wonder how the mental health of many kids is negatively impacted by feeling second rate or less important to their parents. I know I saw some sad situations in my years as a teacher, especially when I subsequently taught half siblings and observed how they were treated differently as well as sad remarks kids made.

When I was sterilised after my DCs several people asked if I’d change my mind if something happened to DH and I met a new man who wanted biological kids. I always replied that I wouldn’t want kids with another man so never hesitated.

Entropy

And what people who avoid blended families like the plague don't realise is that not everyone views a child having half siblings as the devil or tantamount to abandoning the first child, nor do they think how a child might misinterpret the situation if not properly nurtured to be an appropriate guiding force for a decision as key to a person's life as this. 🤷‍♀️

I understand not wanting a blended family for myself. If I split with my partner I would avoid men with children because frankly I wouldn't want the headache. But that doesn't mean I have the authority to say those with the patience shouldn't do it.