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Original poster

Views on ‘starting a new family’?

235 replies

irishglaze · 05/12/2019 19:15

I’m interested in people’s views on this as personally I’ve never experienced it first hand as neither my father or my mother had other children when they separated. My brother has been getting into arguments at work with a guy who has been ‘calling him out’ (DB’s words) on having children with his wife when he has a son from a previous relationship. DB had his son at 18 and he was unplanned. They split when she found out she was pregnant and she got with another man. He wasn’t in his life for the best part of 3 years as his ex claimed the other man was his son’s father. There was a DNA test and DB is now on the birth certificate. He has contact EOW on the weekends with overnights. He’s been married to his wife for 2 years now (together for 7) and they have a 3 year old. They are now expecting another early next year. DB’s colleague obviously had some words to say when he revealed the new arrival at work. He claimed DB shouldn’t have any more children and should concentrate on the one he already has. It’s really upset him, he’s a wonderful father and has always gone above and beyond.

Personally I think that as long as you maintain regular contact with your first child(ren) and include them in your family life then you’re not abandoning them. What are other people’s views? Obviously it’s not just men as the same can be said for women who have more children too

OP posts:
MyCatHatesEverybody · 06/12/2019 12:12

notnowmaybelater children need a stable, loving family environment. My own DSCs are grown up now and I still have an excellent relationship with them. I've brought a lot of positives to their lives as has their mother's DP. We had access just shy of 50/50. I don't have children but if DH and I had made that decision then we would have applied the same care and consideration to that decision as we did in all our other dealings with my DSC.

A shit parent is a shit parent whether they stay together as a nuclear family or get together with someone else and go on to have more children. Likewise a good parent will continue to be a good parent. It's not blended families that are the issue, it's people making bad decisions. There are plenty of people who are capable of deciding whether starting a new family will be a positive or negative thing and can act accordingly according to their family's best interest.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 06/12/2019 12:13

I think unless years have passed and the first family are adult, then yes, the parents should focus on their steady existing children.

By that logic, nobody should ever have more than one child..

It says the first FAMILY (i.e. a single exclusive household unit headed by two parents) - not every member of that family. The stability is provided and protected by the parents both remaining present rather than being threatened by new children arriving into that same family.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 06/12/2019 12:15

It says the first FAMILY (i.e. a single exclusive household unit headed by two parents)

Just to add, I am absolutely NOT saying that a family without two adults is not a proper family at all - I was just clarifying for the purposes of the scenario being discussed here.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 06/12/2019 12:17

MyCatHatesEverybody

We may not see eye to eye on every aspect, but you speak a lot of good sense.

hsegfiugseskufh · 06/12/2019 12:17

The stability is provided and protected by the parents both remaining present rather than being threatened by new children arriving into that same family

but earlier in the thread we had all the "he is leaving his children too" bullshit, so clearly even without extra children, men are not seen as being "present" are they?

I mean what do you want from people?

JacquesHammer · 06/12/2019 12:24

I'm divorced and I will not be having a new relationship or any more DC. My ex has a long term partner but she is childfree and neither of them want children together

Absolutely this for us too. It was something we discussed at length as part of our separation.

hsegfiugseskufh · 06/12/2019 12:28

It was something we discussed at length as part of our separation

what if your ex husband changes his mind?

I think its crazy to commit to this with someone you're divorcing!

JacquesHammer · 06/12/2019 12:31

what if your ex husband changes his mind?

He hasn’t. His wife doesn’t want children either.

I think its crazy to commit to this with someone you're divorcing!

Why? We’ve committed to a lot of things as amicable co-parents. Not having a relationship is the easiest thing in the world for me. It was part of the reason we split so hardly a hardship

hsegfiugseskufh · 06/12/2019 12:34

Jacques still possible that either one of them could change their mind! they might fall accidentally pregnant and go ahead with it. he might even re marry again. I mean what could you or would you realistically do?

committing to things as co parents is one thing, and what you should be doing, but agreeing on whether either one of you will ever move on? weird imo and none of your business!

MyCatHatesEverybody · 06/12/2019 12:35

Thank you WeBuiltThisBuffet.

Of course my own experiences will colour my view on things. My DH, though a genuinely excellent hands-on father (as in doing the shitwork, not just the fun bits) has absolutely no imagination. So when I came along my DSCs had more imaginative birthday and Christmas presents, activities that were more fun, more varied meals (they often compliment me on my cooking and say I should go on Masterchef, I'm not that good really Grin). Likewise their mum's DP is a gamer and goes to festivals and brought a lot of fun and interaction to my DSC's time with their mum.

My own parents stayed together despite us all hating my dad, I was desperate for my mum to leave him and I would been thrilled to have a loving stepparent instead. Of course if I'd had the opposite experience then my view would be influenced accordingly.

JacquesHammer · 06/12/2019 12:36

still possible that either one of them could change their mind! they might fall accidentally pregnant and go ahead with it. he might even re marry again. I mean what could you or would you realistically do?

Well it’s really not possible so.....don’t need to consider it!

but agreeing on whether either one of you will ever move on?

Isn’t it fortunate that isn’t what we’ve done then.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 06/12/2019 12:47

Jacques you sound like you have a similar relationship with your ex to me.

Both he and his partner have told me they do not want to have children together or even get married. She loves to spend time with DS but is quite a free spirit and I don't think she wants the responsibility of her own DC. She loves to go on long haul holidays and spontaneous weekends away, she actually goes away on her own a lot without my ex as he obviously has commitments to be there for DS. Can't see her wanting to give that up!

hsegfiugseskufh · 06/12/2019 12:59

ok Jaques if you say so..... Hmm

hsegfiugseskufh · 06/12/2019 12:59

I also cant imagine being that interested in the reproductive health or wants of my ex and his new wife! weird!

aSofaNearYou · 06/12/2019 13:02

This thread is so depressing and completely lacking in empathy. So many people saying they "don't see the need" to have another child - well that's fine then, if YOU don't feel the need to have a child with your life partner, see your lineage combined and know your love together has created a legacy that will continue throughout generations, as well as experience parenting without pain, constant conflict or separation and rarely being allowed to see your first child, then there can't possibly be people who feel that way. Or you know, people who's maternal/paternal instincts extend further than just wanting one child, as happens frequently in all families.

You can argue until you're blue in the face about whether it is ideal for the oldest child but "what's the need" is a very weak and blinkered argument.

emilybrontescorsett · 06/12/2019 13:03

Lots of excuses being made here.
I only have children with one man. I know my children and I know they would feel, albeit slight, resentment if I had had a child with my dh.
My children and dh children were older when we split from our first husband/wife, both incidentally down to our spouses cheating.

My ex h does not have any other children but did meet a woman who had children.
They were delighted to reduce maintenance down to as low as they could due to her having children.
My ex h did put both the ow and her kids first. He may regret that now but the damage is done.
I don’t put anyone above my dcs and have a fabulous relationship with them.
Lots of times blended families do work but I’ll say it again, I know lots of instances were they don’t.
I know adults who have had endless therapy and it all boils down to abandonment by a parent. Always when that parent ‘ left’ and shacked up with another family.

hsegfiugseskufh · 06/12/2019 13:05

emilybronte you cant KNOW how your children would feel. You can assume based on their personality but you cant possibly KNOW unless you have a crystal ball.

I know adults who have had endless therapy and it all boils down to abandonment by a parent

that's very nice dear, but abandonment is not the same as "parents divorcing and one or both having more children" is it now?

Wildthyme · 06/12/2019 13:08

I think that the 2 child limit on benefits should extend to a man who already has children with another woman. This should the children the next girlfriend/wife already has.

Wildthyme · 06/12/2019 13:09

Should include the children the next girlfriend /wife already has.

JacquesHammer · 06/12/2019 13:10

I also cant imagine being that interested in the reproductive health or wants of my ex and his new wife!

You’ve got major projection issues.....I’m not interested in his reproductive health now, however I know what procedures he undertook with regards his reproductive health when we were married.

With regards to knowing she doesn’t want children? She and I are friends. We socialise regularly- we discuss many things as friends do when supporting each other.

hsegfiugseskufh · 06/12/2019 13:10

wild why? its based on household, not children in total.

just another way to punish second families I suppose, how refreshing Hmm

hsegfiugseskufh · 06/12/2019 13:11

Jaques how am I projecting? I don't have an ex husband lol.

you do know that procedures are reversible don't you?

JacquesHammer · 06/12/2019 13:13

you do know that procedures are reversible don't you?

Arf Grin you’re really scraping the barrel here.

I take it you’re one of those tiresome people who can’t bear amicably separated couples who are still friends actually doing things together, well.

Why does it bother you what agreements people have made because they feel it’s better for their child. If you take that as a wider judgement, more fool you.

hsegfiugseskufh · 06/12/2019 13:19

its not really scraping the barrel telling you something is medically possible is it?

I take it you’re one of those tiresome people who can’t bear amicably separated couples who are still friends actually doing things together, well not at all, I would have much preffered it if dp had an amicable relationship with his ex, and include me in that too. I am not sure why anyone wouldn't want that? Even if we were all good mates I cant imagine her caring about dps reproductive health or vice versa.

Equally I wouldn't invest any thought into his if we split, not my issue anymore!

im sure you feel it is better for your child, I am allowed to think that its a weird stance to take. It doesn't bother me I just think its weird and unnecessary.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 06/12/2019 13:21

I don't think it's weird knowing about my ex's wants. I was married to him, we share a child together. Whatever major life decisions he makes will affect our DS. Why would he not discuss it with me, the mother of his child?