Religious Friend asking me this question....

[MelbaToast]

I met up for a coffee today with a friend who I have known for years. She's really sweet and lovely and also deeply religious. For clarity I also have faith but am liberal in my views.

We were having a really nice chat and I was telling her about my new(ish) partner. Recently, we've been talking about trying to have a baby which I feel so excited about but clearly aren't going to run around telling everyone. Anyway, friend said to me over coffee "Melba, are you having sex with him?" I nearly fell out of my chair.

She then continued to tell me what the Bible said about sex before marriage - I felt really awkward. I'm not sure I want to get married again. I think I would rather cohabit. So I kind of skirted around the issue and spoke about how commitment is more valuable to me than the institute of marriage which I currently view as not being a guarantee of future good behaviour. I'm curious to know what other people would have said. It was one of the most awkward conversations I've ever had.

I'd have laughed and made a joke. Stupid cow

"That's between me, my partner and God", seeing as you have faith. "Mind your own bloody business" would work too.

I would have said yes, I am having sex with him.

Fancy joining in sometime?

She shouldn’t have been so blunt

She's entitled to her beliefs but I hope she doesn't judge you. I'm a Christian but it doesn't impact in my sex life or contraceptive choices. That I be too selective for some but I really don't care.

I would have said, "Why are you asking such a personal question?", or I might tell her the truth either way. It would depend upon how I felt at the time. As for the Bible thing, I would be very clear that she can live according to her beliefs, but I will live according to mine.

She sounds like a preachy, sanctimonious twat, tbh.

Seriously? Just say " No, of course not! He sounds in a jar then i get the turkey baster out"

You don’t have to agree to be friends, I think debate is healthy in any relationship. She doesn’t have to change her opinion and you don’t have to change what you’re doing either :)

"Mind your own business" is what I would have said.

She can't be a very close friend if you felt you had to 'skirt around the issue' instead of talking and being honest, so I wouldn't worry about her opinion on it.

*spunks not sounds

I couldn't care less about the morals/ethics of having a baby outside of marriage but, unless you are financially independent it really isn't a good idea. There are loads of threads on the relationship board from women who have given up work to bring up their families and who have been dumped by their partners. They are really struggling financially.

"That's between me, my partner and God", seeing as you have faith. "Mind your own bloody business" would work too.

Both good choices.

Alternatively 'Yes, and it's bloody fabulous'.

If you have faith you have presumably thought about it yourself and come to a position that makes sense to you.

I would state your position on the matter, thank her for being concerned about your spiritual wellbeing as if it is coming from the best possible place, and say that you don't want it to be a bone of contention in your friendship. Make the decisions that are yours to make.

I think I'd have said yes, of course. But any friend of mine would expect that to be my stance.

It's a very intrusive question. Downright rude. I would be a bit indignant. Quizzing you on your love life wasn't a very Christian thing for her to do, was it?

Memorise this speech for future reference. []

I do think YABU but only because I can't stand the hypocrisy of organised religion and its followers picking and choosing which bits to abide by.

How new is newish partner?

She must be quite evangelical ... my boss is the Vicar and he's been joking about my sex life ... certainly no pretending about waiting until marriage at our place. He's offered to marry me once I get round to sorting out my divorce paperwork (can't really be bothered with the paperwork tbh)

She was rude. You didn’t need to justify your choices!

Here’s another unsolicited opinion: unless you have plenty of money and/or plan to continue to work full time it’s sensible to get married before having a DC.

How new is newish partner?

Why is this question relevant?

I would have just said yes I was. Her views and beliefs are hers, mine are mine. We don't have to agree.

That's rude in any context; unless someone openly begins a conversation about their sex life it's not something others should be confident asking questions about.

@Brakebackcyclebot My guess is because they are planning a baby when they haven’t been together long.

Well, clearly she was being very rude.

I think I would have been too taken aback to say much at the time. If I'd said anything, it might have been, "Well, we have different opinions about that."

If she raises it again then you might say, "Judgyfriend, I know you live according to your beliefs, but you have to let me live according to my beliefs as well." It's not as if you're doing anything harmful. If she can't leave it then she might be an ex-friend.

Does she criticise people about other stuff that the Bible talks about? Arrogance, selfishness, envy, anger, etc? (Not to mention all the Old Testament dietary laws and stuff...) Or is it only sex that she feels the need to comment on?

I would tell her “judge not lest he be judges”

I wouldn't have found it awkward. I would have said I don't have to be married to have sex. Most people think like this so I don't know why it's awkward. What's right for her may not be right for you