Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Religious Friend asking me this question....

168 replies

MelbaToast · 05/12/2019 19:03

I met up for a coffee today with a friend who I have known for years. She's really sweet and lovely and also deeply religious. For clarity I also have faith but am liberal in my views.

We were having a really nice chat and I was telling her about my new(ish) partner. Recently, we've been talking about trying to have a baby which I feel so excited about but clearly aren't going to run around telling everyone. Anyway, friend said to me over coffee "Melba, are you having sex with him?" I nearly fell out of my chair.

She then continued to tell me what the Bible said about sex before marriage - I felt really awkward. I'm not sure I want to get married again. I think I would rather cohabit. So I kind of skirted around the issue and spoke about how commitment is more valuable to me than the institute of marriage which I currently view as not being a guarantee of future good behaviour. I'm curious to know what other people would have said. It was one of the most awkward conversations I've ever had.

OP posts:
PineappleDanish · 05/12/2019 20:04

Couldn't you just have said "That's none of your bloody business. Another scone?"

PigletJohn · 05/12/2019 20:05

since you're thinking about havng a baby, I wondered if she was going to recommend you try the Immaculate Conception technique.

I must admit I have some difficulty with the contortions of a human mind hat could have thought it necessary to invent such a tale.

maddiemookins16mum · 05/12/2019 20:08

You’re planning a baby with a new (ish?) partner....

powershowerforanhour · 05/12/2019 20:10

If she mentions it again you could say oh well I suppose we all draw the line at different things- I'm happy to just give mildewed leather a bit of a wipe instead of the whole rigamarole and I don't care if the cloven hooved animals I consume chew the cud or not.
Sex before marriage definitely isn't in the Big Ten anyway.

JolieOBrien · 05/12/2019 20:11

It is none of her business and I would have told her so ... I cannot stand religious people who try to press their beliefs on other people.

Aquamarine1029 · 05/12/2019 20:12

You could say that since you've been shagging so much you haven't had a chance to read the Bible.

RumbleDoll · 05/12/2019 20:12

Bit off track here but
Xmas 10 yrs ago, my eldest son died, sepsis leading to cardiac arrest and brain death.Had to give permission to turn off life support.An ex, very religious friend, told me had we prayed around his bedside, he would have recovered.
All entitled to our own views but ......

dramalessllama · 05/12/2019 20:17

Ugh. I have many evangelical Christian friends that believe sex outside of marriage is a sin - well, I used to, at least. The majority of them cut me off once I became a born again heathen, but I remember being grilled about my (non-existent) sex life until I was in my 30s. Even kissing was frowned upon. Once I hit my 30s and became sexually active (yes, I waited until my 30's... because Guilt), if one of them asked me if I was having sex, I said the same thing as Breasted Boob suggested earlier - "Yes, and it's FABULOUS!" They never asked again.

Merryoldgoat · 05/12/2019 20:17

You could say that since you've been shagging so much you haven't had a chance to read the Bible

This.

Is it just the sex or is she showing concern about having a child with a new partner if you’ve not been together long?

It’s not her business but I do talk to friends about sex and if I felt judged the friendship wouldn’t be worth it really.

eddielizzard · 05/12/2019 20:18

RumbleDoll Shock how incredibly insensitive. So sorry for your loss Flowers That must have been horrific.

sarahjconnor · 05/12/2019 20:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lljkk · 05/12/2019 20:24

tbh, I can't imagine being religious & thinking of sex outside marriage as compatible with the religion. In real world I'm not religious, but I can understand why OP's friend was shocked & felt she should admonish.

Midge75 · 05/12/2019 20:24

I do think most people are being a bit harsh on the friend. It's hard to know for sure, without knowing her personally, but it is possible she just said it from a place of concern - if she sees the OP as being of like mind, she'll have expressed her surprise at her having sex with this partner as she thought the OP was also of the 'no sex before marriage' stance. She wasn't necessarily judging - just querying the friend. In Christian circles, people often ask other Christians to challenge them if they see them straying from the path they themselves want to keep. Maybe she is a busybody, maybe she is generally rude, maybe she is judgy, but we don't know that. I do know that the reason for no sex before marriage for Christians is not because that makes you a bad person - it's because they believe that sex is such a precious, beautiful, intimate gift that it should be something you give to the one person you want to commit your life to. So if someone queries a fellow Christian as to whether they're having sex with someone who may not be that person, maybe it really is coming from a place of concern - wanting to make sure that person doesn't do something they'll regret.

PlanDeRaccordement · 05/12/2019 20:24

I don’t think it’s wise to have a child out of wedlock. Marriage protects a mother more than not. Sex is one thing, but planning a child is another.

purpleme12 · 05/12/2019 20:28

@rumbledoll wow that's awful

WaxOnFeckOff · 05/12/2019 20:31

I'd have said "yes, it's the usual way to have a baby as I'm not expecting a shag from Jesus"

MrsNoMopp · 05/12/2019 20:32

I agree with Midge. The friend is well-meaning, and asking the question doesn't necessarily imply any judgment. However, if it isn't up for discussion, say it's a very personal question and it wouldn't be something you'd want to discuss.

BarbaraStrozzi · 05/12/2019 20:37

@Grumpelstilskin One thing that surprised me with what I heard about some of the virgins till they marry brigade, how many had anal sex...

(NSFW, very sweary, satire in case anyone misses it - in my experience of late you have to actually spell this out on MN Sad).

OP - I hope you told her "fornicating like it's going out of fashion, thanks. Nothing quite like getting to know someone in the biblical fashion. We're making like David and Bathsheba..."

housinghelp101 · 05/12/2019 20:37

I grew up in a church like that, so it wouldn't surprise/shock me in the least if someone questioned me regarding sex before marriage. I think YABVU to plan a baby with a newish partner who you have doubts about.

myohmywhatawonderfulday · 05/12/2019 20:39

Has she got any special needs that might mean she thinks in quite a black and white way?

I don't know what I saying! I am a Christian and hear lots of odd things...the best course is to ignore all of it and put it down to the fact that lots of people are very strange. For people with reasonable and healthy boundaries would never dream of making such comments.

Valanice1989 · 05/12/2019 20:39

It depends. I'm an atheist, but the Bible says that if a woman is found not to have been a virgin on her wedding night - presumably because there's no blood on the sheets, even though the hymen can easily break before consensual sex - her new husband should take her to the doorstep of her father's house and let the men of the town brutally execute her for being a "harlot" (Deuteronomy 22). If you choose to follow such a barbaric, misogynistic religion, I think you have to accept that the other members will hold very archaic views. [shrug]

Original poster
MelbaToast · 05/12/2019 20:40

Newish is 8 months for those who asked. We knew each other beforehand though so it's not like we're having to learn everything about each other. I didn't get round to telling her about the fact we've been talking about trying for a baby as I just found it so awkward, so it really had nothing to do with concern that we were rushing into things.

I know it's early days in our relationship but the way we see it is that neither of us are getting any younger and this might be our last chance.

OP posts:
housinghelp101 · 05/12/2019 20:41

When DS was born with a serious condition someone from the church wanted to do a brainstorming session with me to ascertain which sin I had committed to cause it. Obviously it was caused by 'sins of the father' Hmm

Original poster
MelbaToast · 05/12/2019 20:43

Rumbledoll - so sorry for your loss. That is really judgy

OP posts:
SheOfManyNames · 05/12/2019 20:52

It's absolutely not her business, and she was very rude.
I say that as someone who is a) a Christian and b) doesn't think having children outside of marriage is a good idea (that's my personal belief- I don't care at all what other people choose to do!)