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AIBU?

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Original poster

Religious Friend asking me this question....

168 replies

MelbaToast · 05/12/2019 19:03

I met up for a coffee today with a friend who I have known for years. She's really sweet and lovely and also deeply religious. For clarity I also have faith but am liberal in my views.

We were having a really nice chat and I was telling her about my new(ish) partner. Recently, we've been talking about trying to have a baby which I feel so excited about but clearly aren't going to run around telling everyone. Anyway, friend said to me over coffee "Melba, are you having sex with him?" I nearly fell out of my chair.

She then continued to tell me what the Bible said about sex before marriage - I felt really awkward. I'm not sure I want to get married again. I think I would rather cohabit. So I kind of skirted around the issue and spoke about how commitment is more valuable to me than the institute of marriage which I currently view as not being a guarantee of future good behaviour. I'm curious to know what other people would have said. It was one of the most awkward conversations I've ever had.

OP posts:
MutedUser · 05/12/2019 21:47

I would say yes we have sex all the time. It’s mind blowing do you want the details? How naive is she ?

Aethelfleda · 05/12/2019 21:48

“no, we’re not having sex. We’re planning to have baby by an immaculate conception. I asked God about it and He said he’d sort something out for us as He’s managed it before, a few years back”

msmith501 · 05/12/2019 21:50

The Bible is a mish mash of stories that were eventually paired down under King Konstantinos to create one definitive version of the truth (or else die) around 700 bc if memory serves. For example... the young girl Mary was mid-translated to The Virgin Mary and hey Presto we need angels, a virgin birth etc. Given that my nonexistent god is clearly no better than your friends non existent god... the whole thing is beyond ridiculous.

What would Darwin say?

MutedUser · 05/12/2019 21:51

Christians are called to live in a different way to the world around them, and she wants to help you do that

That sounds like a cult to me.

katseyes7 · 05/12/2019 21:51

Has she read the passage that says "judge not, lest ye be judged"?
ln reality l'd have told her to bugger off then cut her off. lt's none of her business. lf she was just a concerned friend, l'd understand it. lt's the 'holier than thou' attitude of it that's offensive.

katseyes7 · 05/12/2019 21:58

l'm very close to my cousin. She's like a sister to me. She's also a practising Christian. Goes to church, teaches Sunday school, teaches at a church school.
l'm a pagan. Not once has she ever pushed her religion/faith at me (or vice versa). When her son was 12, he asked her if he could ask me about paganism. She encouraged him to do it. At her school they visit mosques, synagogues, etc. They teach the children about other faiths.
Never has she judged me or commented on anything personal (l've made some mistakes in my life) - in fact she's been my rock. She's supported me 100%. That's what being a Christian and a friend is. Not judging people. There's a difference in being concerned and implying that you're better than someone else. l'm afraid l couldn't let than one go. Your 'friend' has no right to think she can influence your relationship because she believes in a particular deity. Even if you believe in the same one.

Lizzie0869 · 05/12/2019 22:00

I'm a committed Christian myself, but I can't imagine a situation where I would bring this up in a conversation with a friend who was telling me about their new relationship. I think she was very rude personally.

kateandme · 05/12/2019 22:02

lots of things are said in times that arent now.lots of beleifs.lots of things that a re read and fit a narrative of the time.when actually wehn you read the wider stories.or watch what jesus did and told the world and how god shows his love.then what kind of good god would ever punish or hate someone for who they love,how they love and when they love.he would be here in the now and see that no matter what he love you,and thinks you should be and do you.and he will help you in anyway you need in the now.
we also had men fighting tigers and people put on crosses back then.times change.written word wont fit anymore.but what will it is god is good and will love and believe in you too

FlamingoAndJohn · 05/12/2019 22:02

Did you ask her what the bible says about it?
Because there isn’t really a passage saying ‘no sex before marriage’. The closest is: 1 Corinthians 7:8-9

“To the unmarried and the widows I say that it is good for them to remain single, as I am. But if they cannot exercise self-control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion.”

Interestingly the KJV says this “
8 I say therefore to the unmarried and widows, It is good for them if they abide even as I.
9 But if they cannot contain, let them marry: for it is better to marry than to burn.”

The addition of ‘with passion’ is a slight change. Which rather makes it seem like you can pick the version you like best!

Justaboy · 05/12/2019 22:06

Got a friend like that, its not long in a conversation before the bible gets quoted:(

Mind you she does practice what she preaches, never had a serious relationship and claims to still be a virgin at 32 years old!!

Moonmelodies · 05/12/2019 22:07

Melba your OP implies you have already been married.
Hence you can reassure your friend that you are in fact having sex after marriage.

CJsGoldfish · 05/12/2019 22:08

Weren't you with someone else a year ago? Yet you're telling people you're going to 'try' for a baby after 7mths?

Best to keep that idiocy to yourself, no one is going to respond how you want. Your friend just responded in an unexpected way and you should have just shut down the conversation as soon as she started. Why on earth did you let her continue?

kateandme · 05/12/2019 22:16

FlamingoAndJohn aaaa thats really interesting.

Littlemeadow123 · 05/12/2019 22:16

CJsGoldfish

You sound quite nosy and stalkerish.

Gwenhwyfar · 05/12/2019 22:21

"It's a very intrusive question. Downright rude. "

Come on, it's not between friends is it?

ReanimatedSGB · 05/12/2019 22:22

'Yes. You should try it. Might make you less interested in what other people are getting up to.'

CharlottesPleb · 05/12/2019 22:23

This thing of being very rude and disrespectful about other what other people care about at the deepest level and patting yourself on the back for it seems very odd to me.

I can't imagine the reasoning that makes that seem like something an ok person would do.

Butterfly84 · 05/12/2019 22:24

I don't think it's rude, a friend asking a friend this is not rude. Someone you barely know asking you this would be rude.

Not sure why you had the reaction of nearly falling off you chair. You know your friend is deeply religious as you say. I would have just said 'yes, we are having sex'. Your friend is an adult and I'm sure knows that not everyone lives their lives in the same way as her.

Gwenhwyfar · 05/12/2019 22:27

"Not sure why you had the reaction of nearly falling off you chair. You know your friend is deeply religious as you say. I would have just said 'yes, we are having sex'"

This is what I don't understand. Why were you so shocked by the question OP?

dorisdog · 05/12/2019 22:29

I'd have said 'yes' and described my fave sexual positions.

I feel like this thread has transported me to a different century, which is quite fun.

Queenoftheashes · 05/12/2019 22:32

Surely the point of friends is to talk about cock with them and the point of men is to be able to tell your mates you got some D.

Bluerussian · 05/12/2019 22:34

You handled it right, Melba, said the right things. Don't worry about it. She is your friend and means well but there are Christian people who believe in chastity outside of marriage so it is bound to come up. I doubt she'll say anything again and will be supportive of you if you and your boyfriend have a baby without marriage.

Longfacenow · 05/12/2019 22:40

I also agree with some of the posters wondering how you can have faith and pick and choose?

And I wonder why if she is a close friend you couldn't share the answer you must already have in your min about it, as a person of faith.

Josette77 · 05/12/2019 22:40

How old are you? She was rude but a baby after 8 months???

Longfacenow · 05/12/2019 22:41

Sorry posted too soon,

So what about it would be shocking as she's a close friend and you know and presumably have spoken about faith before?