Religious Friend asking me this question....

[MelbaToast]

I met up for a coffee today with a friend who I have known for years. She's really sweet and lovely and also deeply religious. For clarity I also have faith but am liberal in my views.

We were having a really nice chat and I was telling her about my new(ish) partner. Recently, we've been talking about trying to have a baby which I feel so excited about but clearly aren't going to run around telling everyone. Anyway, friend said to me over coffee "Melba, are you having sex with him?" I nearly fell out of my chair.

She then continued to tell me what the Bible said about sex before marriage - I felt really awkward. I'm not sure I want to get married again. I think I would rather cohabit. So I kind of skirted around the issue and spoke about how commitment is more valuable to me than the institute of marriage which I currently view as not being a guarantee of future good behaviour. I'm curious to know what other people would have said. It was one of the most awkward conversations I've ever had.

The thing is, she is the one who made it awkward.

Blanket rule is that if someone makes a situation awkward, they can't then complain if other people then make it more awkward with their responses. If they don't want drama, they can start with not inciting it.

I would have answered "yes I am", and how the conversation went from there would determine how I subsequently thought of them!

@redexpat I just typed a lengthy posts stating pretty much all that but accidentally deleted. That scene says it all and is my go to response to ridiculous questions by so called religious people who are actually just cherry picking the bits of their chosen organised religion that allows them to be judgemental and feel superior.

A close relative of mine has become a "born again Christian'. They now regret having sex a million times before marriage. I get on well with them but have been told I'm a sinner.

It's awkward sometimes. I just try and change the subject.

@Instagrump
Exactly . Cherry picking .

@PavlovaTescobar I agree with you there. And unfortunately there are a lot of supposedly devout church leaders who are involved with those things and it's swept under the carpet. Then they lecture the rest of us about sex before marriage. Total hypocrisy.

I'm afraid I'm very disillusioned as a result of being an SA survivor, and recently discovering that this is STILL being covered up by church leaders, who don't want to bring shame on the church.

My DP is a Christian, I am an atheist, in fact I probably started out as agnostic but have progressed to being an atheist.

When we first got together another devout Christian friend of his said he would need to choose. Either to leave me and go back to God, or to stay with me and forego the everlasting life.

While I know that there are some Christians who are non judgemental, but IME Christians are the most judgemental, non accepting people I have ever come across and this only strengthens my view that the whole thing is toxic

That being said, if a friend told me she was planning to try for a baby with a partner she’d only been with for eight months I would tell her that I thought she was out of her mind.

Lizzie0869: That's really horrible. I do consider myself a religious person and have a strong belief in God, but sadly have had some very unplesant working experiences with so called bigoted religious people. And of course, there is the well known Scottish religious organisation which regularly pays off staff (using donations given in good faith by devout members of the congregation) to keep them legally quiet about the bullying, misuse of funds and general nastiness of the organisation. I seem to have gone off on a tangent here from the original topic of the post and will leave this thread before I say anything more outing.

When she asked you, you should just have said yes and we are at it like rabbits.

Each to their own, but these deeply religious people who ram it down everyone's throat really piss me off.

PhilCornwall1: Yes these deeply intolerant atheists who ram their intolerant insensitive views down everyone's throat - especially online when they are anonymous - really piss me off too.

'Yes we are having sex, but not before we sacrifice the goat'

This is a tricky one.

As a Christian I keep “Judge not lest be be judged” as the starting point on most issues.

If you read the gospels, there are many things that some Christians get very hung up on (such as homosexuality) that Jesus is not recorded as ever having pronounced upon.

There are also things that he was pretty clear about that many “Christians” choose to ignore.

He did say that anyone who divorces and remarries, except where they have been the victim of marital unfaithfulness, commits adultery.

And yet I have met divorced and remarried Churchgoers who are quite happy to condemn gays.

Religion is ultimately a personal thing.

DD has Muslim friends from school. She “gets” that she has her truth and her friend has another, but that they have more in common than sets them apart.

As such, you have your interpretation of Christian morals and she has hers. Both are equally valid points of view.

@PavlovaTescobar

In the OPs case, she was faced with, as you call it, intolerance from a religious person. If I'm confronted with that and I have been, they get back what the dish out.

It wouldn't bother me if anyone of my friends knew if I was having sex with my partner. I wouldn't mind a friend telling me their views on sex before marriage, but if they went on and on about it I'd tell them I didn't appreciate it.

When I was 18, I had a deeply devout "friend" tell me that her religion made her superior because she would never lose her "flower" to anyone but her husband, unlike atheists like me who have no moral code or values and that I had probably slept with any boy who smiled my way because my shirt was slightly more lower cut than she deemed acceptable. Funny thing though, I was a virgin at the time, so told her to shove her moral code up her flower. Also, guess which of us had a hasty wedding 2 years later, gave birth 4 months after the wedding, and then filed for a divorce before the first anniversary?

You do you OP, stick to your own moral code.

When I was 18, I had a deeply devout "friend" tell me that her religion made her superior because she would never lose her "flower" to anyone but her husband, unlike atheists like me who have no moral code or values and that I had probably slept with any boy who smiled my way because my shirt was slightly more lower cut than she deemed acceptable. Funny thing though, I was a virgin at the time, so told her to shove her moral code up her flower.

I like to think that people who use twee euphemisms for their genitals gets a special circle of hell all to themselves, where they are repeatedly crushed to pulp by a giant spiky flower roaring 'It's a VAGINA!'

You mentioned youve been married already so this IS technically after marriage...

Also the bible says a hell of a lot of things, too many people cherry pick the bits they fancy following and call themselves 'deeply religious'. It's been through so many iterations, translations over the centuries as well so taking any of it so incredibly literally is in my opinion - daft. The important bit is learning the overarching moral lessons it intended to pass on, not the often bad interpretations. If you need a book to tell you how to be a decent human you're doing it wrong. You are harming no-one she is being judgemental and trying to shame you. Try to be be content with your choices for your life and if she broaches the subject again tell her firmly she is overstepping.

I always knew she held this view but as a grown woman I actually didn't ever think it would be something I would be questioned about. I also think it's an issue between me, my maker and my partner - who has an equally liberal view of Christianity. Maybe to some people I'm not a proper Christian and maybe I am rushing into things with him but we're both in the right place financially and whether or not our relationship lasts I know I want a baby.