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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Religious Friend asking me this question....

168 replies

MelbaToast · 05/12/2019 19:03

I met up for a coffee today with a friend who I have known for years. She's really sweet and lovely and also deeply religious. For clarity I also have faith but am liberal in my views.

We were having a really nice chat and I was telling her about my new(ish) partner. Recently, we've been talking about trying to have a baby which I feel so excited about but clearly aren't going to run around telling everyone. Anyway, friend said to me over coffee "Melba, are you having sex with him?" I nearly fell out of my chair.

She then continued to tell me what the Bible said about sex before marriage - I felt really awkward. I'm not sure I want to get married again. I think I would rather cohabit. So I kind of skirted around the issue and spoke about how commitment is more valuable to me than the institute of marriage which I currently view as not being a guarantee of future good behaviour. I'm curious to know what other people would have said. It was one of the most awkward conversations I've ever had.

OP posts:
BuildBuildings · 05/12/2019 19:28

I would have said obviously I am. Do you mean she doesn't believe in sex before marriage? I don't think I could be friends with someone with such redic views.

iklboodolphrednosedreindeer · 05/12/2019 19:30

Does she adhere to every part of the bible? Or is she a Woolworths Christian who 'picks and mixes' passages she prefers?

00100001 · 05/12/2019 19:34

Sounds like she's a twat.
Hiding behind her religion to judge others.

Judge not,lest ye be judged and all that.

00100001 · 05/12/2019 19:35

I'll bet she practically ignores the old testament...

Grumpelstilskin · 05/12/2019 19:36

One thing that surprised me with what I heard about some of the virgins till they marry brigade, how many had anal sex... Wink

Drum2018 · 05/12/2019 19:40

I'd have told her it was none of her business. I wouldn't have encouraged the discussion as her views would have seriously annoyed me. You are not answerable to her so next time she brings up religion in conversation tell her it's not a subject you wish to discuss.

OutwiththeOutCrowd · 05/12/2019 19:42

Is she married and experiencing a dearth of Bible-approved sex?

CJsGoldfish · 05/12/2019 19:42

I'm curious to know what other people would have said. It was one of the most awkward conversations I've ever had

I would never have admitted that I was going to be trying for a baby with a new(ish) partner. Surely, those situations are 'accidents' Grin

But if something came up that we disagreed about or had wildly different views I'd most likely just say "we are not going to agree so let's not go there, hey?" and refuse to discuss.

Camomila · 05/12/2019 19:44

I'm Catholic, I would have probably said 'Yes, I don't think God minds.'
I think God has more important things to think about!

SlightlyBonkersQFA · 05/12/2019 19:45

That's nosiness dressed up as morality.

TheLightGetsIn · 05/12/2019 19:46

In your position I would probably just have laughed and said "that's quite a personal question! It's not something I would feel is appropriate to discuss with anyone other than MelbaPartner". If she is a good friend, why not just be polite but direct about what you are and aren't up for chatting about?

SlightlyBonkersQFA · 05/12/2019 19:47

I know @Camomila!

The God that I don't really believe in, that God would be happier and less judgemental than the God that does seem to exist for a lot of religious people.

Half the time it's the person's own inner voice. Because funnily enough, my God, like yours, has bigger fish to fry.

Pinkblueberry · 05/12/2019 19:47

I know people who are religious and wouldn’t have sex before marriage themselves - but that doesn’t stop them from being aware that this is the 21st century and perfectly normal for the majority of people. You’re friend sounds ridiculous. I would have just said ‘yes of course I’m having sex with him, he’s my partner and as you know I’m not at religions as you. Is that all, or do you want to know more about my sex life?’

PavlovaTescobar · 05/12/2019 19:51

As someone who has read all of the Bible a couple of times (including the "begat" sections) I don't think there is actually anything in it that says you have to be a virgin when you marry. There's the sections about lust, Sodom and Gomorrah, sin etc but I am convinced that there aren't any specific writings about sex before marriage. Happy to be corrected though.
The Bible is open to various interpretation, like most religious texts. It doesn't mean that if you interpret parts of it in a sensible way you are a "Woolworths" Christian picking and mixing what you want to believe as one poster suggests.

Jellybeansincognito · 05/12/2019 19:52

None of this would have bothered me tbh.

I’m not religious and don’t go around asking these questions though.

I’m surprised no one has commented that you’re with a fairly new partner and already planning a pregnancy?

YouSawThePlans · 05/12/2019 19:52

So she's ok with divorce (because you say you were married before) but not ok with sex before marriage? I've never met a religious person with those views. Usually they're against both or ok with both.

MilkTrayLimeBarrel · 05/12/2019 19:54

YANBU but I do agree with her. How much trouble does sex before marriage cause with illegitimate children being born all over the place.

Jellybeansincognito · 05/12/2019 19:54

Ok off one of your threads you’ve been together 7 months and have already had issues where you think he’s with you for the wrong reasons.

I know it’s off topic but I guess relevant because why on earth would someone ask you after all this time if you’re having sex?

It would be a natural assumption surely?

ActualHornist · 05/12/2019 19:57

A friend I would have just said “of course we’re having sex” and if she pushed her religious stuff on me I would have told her I’m not interested, I’m not religious and I don’t believe it.

Because...well don’t friends just talk about these things?

@Jellybeansincognito ‘newish’ could be 3 years Confused not relevant to the question and OP didn’t share the timeline.

HostaFireAndIce · 05/12/2019 19:57

It depends a bit on your normal relationship with her. Do you often talk about religion? Do you discuss your attitudes to these things and have interesting debates when you disagree? Or do you normally just discuss the weather and then suddenly she started lecturing you about how you were angering God?

UnaCorda · 05/12/2019 19:59

I don't think it's very "sweet and lovely" to ask such personal and obviously judgmental questions.

And I agree with a previous comment about picking and choosing. I'm a vegan, but I don't let that curtail my tendency to eat Philly cheesesteak. Hmm

andpancakesforbreakfast · 05/12/2019 19:59

well, if you are sharing a detail as private as "trying for a baby", she is entitled to express her opinion. Which has no effect whatsoever on you.

I disagree with you both anyway!

ItsNovemberNotChristmas · 05/12/2019 20:03

It's relevant because if new is a month then OP is off her cake talking about having babies

purpleme12 · 05/12/2019 20:04

@ActualHornist yes exactly I kind of thought don't friends talk about these things without awkwardness
But it seems not from all the replies!

Littlemeadow123 · 05/12/2019 20:04

In my church we have a live and let live policy. Basically we are all different and all have different interpretations of scripture but we dont judge, criticize or preach to anyone who has different opinions to us.