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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Religious Friend asking me this question....

168 replies

MelbaToast · 05/12/2019 19:03

I met up for a coffee today with a friend who I have known for years. She's really sweet and lovely and also deeply religious. For clarity I also have faith but am liberal in my views.

We were having a really nice chat and I was telling her about my new(ish) partner. Recently, we've been talking about trying to have a baby which I feel so excited about but clearly aren't going to run around telling everyone. Anyway, friend said to me over coffee "Melba, are you having sex with him?" I nearly fell out of my chair.

She then continued to tell me what the Bible said about sex before marriage - I felt really awkward. I'm not sure I want to get married again. I think I would rather cohabit. So I kind of skirted around the issue and spoke about how commitment is more valuable to me than the institute of marriage which I currently view as not being a guarantee of future good behaviour. I'm curious to know what other people would have said. It was one of the most awkward conversations I've ever had.

OP posts:

reallyrandomwords · 05/12/2019 20:57

Yousawtheplans it's a fairly common view in my denomination

Giraffey1 · 05/12/2019 20:57

I’d have said ... whaaaaaaat [friend’s name] , I can’t believe you asked me such a personal question! It’s not the sort of thing I talk about because it’s private stuff. And then immediately change the the subject.

CharlottesPleb · 05/12/2019 21:00

I think OP will know better than any of us for this specific instance, but I should point out that this sort of thing doesn't necessarily come from a bad place from friends who believe the person they are speaking to, to be following broadly the same faith-based set of rules based on the same beliefs. It is not definitely the case that a person mentioning such a thing is doing it from a bad or judgemental place.

I only mention it because I think it's something might find unrelatable and so not realise.

Watsername · 05/12/2019 21:00

@Melba
I have re-read your post and see that you say you have faith too. If this is the case I am surprised you are surprised by her question.

A Christian is concerned for her fellow believer. She is trying to protect you and keep you living in a Godly way. She is looking out for your best interests. In a church setting it's called being accountable.

Christians are called to live in a different way to the world around them, and she wants to help you do that.

I would hope that she would speak to you about ALL matters of living, not just sex.

managedmis · 05/12/2019 21:01

Fuck that for a game of soldiers

Lovely? She sounds awful

managedmis · 05/12/2019 21:03

Christians are called to live in a different way to the world around them, and she wants to help you do that.

Roflmao

CharlottesPleb · 05/12/2019 21:03

Yeh, Watsername. Almost but not quite a cross-post.

In the right context I would be grateful to someone raising the things that should be raised, who had my best interests at heart.

SickNotes · 05/12/2019 21:03

Look at her in a puzzled way, ask ‘What is this ‘sex’ thing you mention?’ and tell her you were under the impression you had to be chastely impregnated by the Holy Spirit.

SickNotes · 05/12/2019 21:06

@Watsername I imagine it’s perfectly possible to have some form of religious faith without buying into organised religion’s obsession with controlling women’s sexuality and reproductive choices. Sex is not a moral issue any more than eating or exercising is.

Pixxie7 · 05/12/2019 21:07

My daughter is a devote Christian and didn’t have sex before she got married. When she told me I just said that whilst I admired her conviction everyone needs to make that decision for themselves has mentioned it since.

Watsername · 05/12/2019 21:12

True Christianity is not a religious matter, but a deeply personal one. One's opinions and choices and transformed as your understanding deepens.

These issues are not moral or imposed. The desire (within) to do certain things changes.

KidLorneRoll · 05/12/2019 21:13

"She is trying to protect you and keep you living in a Godly way"

She's being a nosy twat.

LondonJax · 05/12/2019 21:16

Well, if it does say sex before marriage is wrong in the Bible, then the people who work on Sundays (or Saturdays as the Old Testament is based on the Jewish faith) are in trouble. Because it says in Exodus that anyone working on the sabbath shall be put to death. And that 'work' includes lighting a fire in your hearth. I'd have just given her a look. Absolutely none of her business.

Armadillostoes · 05/12/2019 21:17

YANBU--Your friend is massively judgemental and theologically ignorant. There is no, one Biblical view of marriage, like most institutions marriage has evolved and changed over time. How does she explain King Saul being allowed to have 700 wives and 300 concubines?

But even putting that aside, does she ask about how you spend your money, whether you give to the charity etc? If so, she is incredibly intrusive and needs to be dumped from your circles, if not, she seems to consider sex more important than anything else in the world, including feeding the hungry. That is downright weird, and a LONG way from Christ's teaching.

eaglejulesk · 05/12/2019 21:17

Good grief! I had a very good friend who was a vicar, an Archdeacon in fact, and my parents' age - he didn't blink twice at people living together before marriage. She is obviously part of a very narrow religious group.

CalleighDoodle · 05/12/2019 21:22

Ive voted yabu because it is ridiculous you are considering a baby so bloody soon.

shitpark · 05/12/2019 21:24

I'd have said "Sometimes he just eats me out instead"

cdtaylornats · 05/12/2019 21:27

What was she wearing

"Do not wear clothing woven of two kinds of material", sternly warns Leviticus 19:19. This is by far one of God's most important rules, and it is hard to see how anyone can make fun of it, although very few Christians are aware of it, and even fewer abide by it. Deuteronomy 22:11 says the same, but is less generic: "Do not wear clothes of wool and linen woven together". Although that's how the KJV wrongly translates Leviticus 19:19 too so don't be fooled into thinking both verses say the same thing - they don't. Some have tried to explain this verse as having something to do with a theorised superstition amongst magicians. But to use that argument is to admit that the Bible is so poorly written that even direct and clear commandments might actually be unclear and disposable.

Was he coat legal
Make tassels on the four corners of your coat. Deuteronomy 22:12 cannot be ignored, for those godless heathens who fail to have tassled cloaks are clearly immoral monsters. You are to place one set on the front, one on the back, and one on each side.

CountFosco · 05/12/2019 21:28

Anyway, friend said to me over coffee "Melba, are you having sex with him?"

To which the only answer is 'yes, that is the usual way to try and get pregnant'.

Don't give two hoots about the morality of having sex before marriage but agree with PPs, don't rush into having a child with a new partner and don't have a child outside a marriage, you have far more security within a marriage which is, above anything else, a legal contract.

managedmis · 05/12/2019 21:37

shitpark

Concestor · 05/12/2019 21:37

Alternative viewpoint: if she knows you're a Christian wasn't she just trying to gently guide you? Offer you spiritual guidance?

If you're open to her about your faith then I don't think this was rude. I've had similar conversations from both sides with other Christian friends. I wouldn't have asked that question outright perhaps, but maybe she just couldn't think how to phrase her concern.

Watsername · 05/12/2019 21:38

@cdtaylor

Those who follow Christ are not bound my the Law as found in the Old Testament. The purpose of the Law was to highlight our inability to keep it and to point to our need for a Saviour from the consequences of not keeping it.

Anybody who tries to keep the Law in its absolute entirety places themselves under it, and is doomed to fail.

Jesus came to fulfil the Law for us (no human is able to keep it fully). Christians are not trying to fulfil every single item in Leviticus. Your point is moot.

AcrossthePond55 · 05/12/2019 21:39

Your 'morality' is between you and God, not between you and Melba.

As far as marriage, the priest/vicar only serves as a witness to the marriage, the couple make their promises to each other, not to the officiant. If you don't want to legally marry, then just make vows to each other to be faithful and loving to each other. God will hear those vows as clearly as in a mighty cathedral.

BlackSwan · 05/12/2019 21:41

You really shouldn't have let that kind of ignorant comment go. I'd have told her she should realise it's rude and presumptuous to pry and impose her outdated religious fanaticism on other people. Disappointing when you see people for who they really are isn't it.

xJodiex · 05/12/2019 21:44

I'd have told her it was none of her business. I don't think Christians are supposed to be judgemental? Neither are so-called friends.

I had a friend like her way back in high school. Never again.

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